Jake: Hey, I should've said this last night, but your first casual relationship nice work!
Charles: I know! I didn't even propose to her once.

Charles: Jake, I'm so sorry I lied to you. I mean, I wanted to tell you so badly. But I promised Gina I wouldn't tell anyone.
Jake: You kept a promise to a friend. That sounds like the Charles I know. Just like I know everyone here.
Captain Holt: Yes, you do. Although, there is something you didn't know about me. My middle name... is Jacob.
Jake: What..?

Sophia: Oh, a cop's attempt to be clever. It's like watching a horse try to eat with a fork.

Gina: Mmm, maybe she fell into another dimension where she's interesting.

Jake: Not to over state it, but I'm definitely gonna die alone, and work is all I have.

Charles: The luxury sex romp we had planned this weekend. The hotel says the "bubbles and bathrobes" package is non-refundable.
Gina: See, that's why I didn't want to pre-pay, Charles.
Charles: Yeah, but that's why we got such a good deal. One hour of free Wi-Fi!

Amy: Hey, did you send that from your personal or work account?
Jake: Personal. It's a personal matter involving a personal friend and his personal uncle.
Amy: So you remembered to turn off your signature, right?
Jake: Oh, no.

Gina: Boyle, this is bad. I thought our parents were just having a casual fling, but presents is like old people third base.
Charles: No, that's rubbing butts together.

Jake: Ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas! Whoa, thank you, good sir! The elves will not starve this night.

Jake: Ho, ho, ho, and a bottle of rum. Presents!
Rosa: God, you're bad at being Santa.

Rosa: Jake, holy crap, 9:00.
Jake: The Pontiac bandit, aka Doug Judy. Okay, Santa, stay calm, just like we practiced. Merry Judy, Mr. Doug Judy- Christmas. Damn it!
Doug Judy: Peralta?
Jake: No!
Doug Judy: Onion ring attack!
Jake: Ah! Greasy!

Jake: NYPD! Stop where you are! Come on, Santa. Why are you so fat?

Jake: Doug Judy, you're under arrest. Put your hands in the air.
Doug Judy: Hey, Rosa. Merry Christmas, girl.

Jake: Take a good look, kids. This is what happens when you're naughty!

Jake: Good people of the nine-nine, I present to you the seventh wonder of the world, Doug Judy, aka the Pontiac bandit, foiled at last!