Jake: Because I know these guys. I know everything about them.
Captain Holt: Well, you're a poor police officer if you don't think people can surprise you.
Jake: Not these people. Here, watch this. I know what everyone's gonna do tonight. It's Thursday, so Gina's gonna leave early to rehearse with her new dance group, Dancy Reagan. They're the first ladies of movement. Amy's gonna be going over her weekly budget. And Charles will be attending a "pizza for one" cooking class.
Charles: Tonight's menu: Pepper-alone-I.
Jake: And if I run and leap at Terry, he will most certainly catch me in his arms. Coming in!
Sergeant Jeffords: No! I'm holding coffee!

Jake: Hey there. Jake Peralta.
Lieutenant Miller: I'm sorry, handshakes are the greatest avenues of germ transmission. I generally prefer simple nods.
Jake: Okay.
Lieutenant Miller: Would you, uh, pass me that hand sanitizer, please?
Jake: Yeah.
Lieutenant Miller: No, no, no! Use your elbows. And keep your nostrils closed. Don't breathe on it. [Jake drops it] Forget it, I'll just use a wipe.
Jake: Smort. Get off dem germs.

Madeline Wuntch: Very visual. When, oh when, will you quit police work and pursue your dream of poetry?

Rosa: The task force has made some busts. But we still haven't found any high-level dealers or major drug stashes.
Sergeant Jeffords: But we will soon.
Captain Holt: Is that a promise? Or just another lollipop that no one's ever gonna lick?

Amy: This is a new car. I won't have you Jake it up with donut powder.

Jake: Wow, there's so many fancy buttons on your steering wheel. It's like a spy car, that's cool. Here, let me call her. Yeah. [deep voice] Car, call Gina Linetti.
Amy: What is that voice?
Jake: It's my spy voice. Car, initiate ghost mode.
Amy: That's a seat warmer.
Jake: Oh, that's even better than rockets. My butt gets very cold.

Jake: We should go there anyways. Her phone's probably off 'cause of dance rehearsal. God, this I.A.B. guy is ruining my life. But I do have some good news in three, two- Pocket donut!
Amy: No! [slaps the donut out of Jake's hand] It's everywhere.
Jake: Backup.

Jake: Wait a minute. You lied to me? There was no "pizza for one" cooking class tonight. You've been lying to me for weeks!
[cut to:]
Charles: Oh, I can't tonight. I'm teaching inner city kids to make candles.
[cut]
Charles: Oh, sorry. I'm going to a prenatal yoga class.
[cut]
Charles: No can do, going to my adult tumbling class.
[present:]
Charles: Yes, Jake, those were lies. But the way you looked at me when you thought I was a gymnast made me wish it were true.
Jake: You came into work with chalk on your hands, Boyle.

Kevin: Raymond, your work life is here. [to Jake] Please, come in. Take off your shoes.
Jake: Neither of us want that.

Jake: You wanna do me? I'll do you right back. Tit for toot.
Captain Holt: I've been on the force for 30 years, and I've never been accused of impropriety.
Jake: Oh, is that a fact? Because I heard you call Deputy Chief Wuntch by her first name and after that, you told her you hoped she got carried off by crows. That is gross insubordination.
Captain Holt: Madeline is irrelevant. Our battles extend beyond the confines of NYPD rules. You're being ridiculous.

Jake: If you're such a great cop, how come you didn't know there was a mole in your precinct? That's right, because you did. Because you are the mole, you mole!
Captain Holt: I've heard enough! Please return your guest pajamas, guest toothbrush, and guest slippers, and get out of here. It's time for you to be suspended.

Jake: But more importantly, what does the "J" stand for? James? John? Jo-Jo?
Captain Holt: My middle name is more important to you than being suspended?
Jake: If it's Jo-Jo? Yes.

Captain Holt: Unfortunately, we don't have any hard proof that they're working together.
Jake: Well, lucky for you, proof is my middle name. And yours is Jared. Juice box. Jellyfish. Jamiroquai!

Captain Holt: Miller may be in Internal Affairs, but he wasn't here on official business. You sent him to spy on us. That's a flagrant ethics violation, Madeline. And it could sink you.
Madeline Wuntch: Fine, you're right. But you can't prove that. It's just your word against mine.
Jake: Ooh, actually, it's your word against you. Pardon me. I put a recording device in this dope drive, so I got your whole conversation.
Captain Holt: You're going to leave my precinct and my task force alone. Or else... You're Wuntch meat.
Jake: You sure you wanna go with that one?
Captain Holt: Absolutely. It's hilarious.

Rosa: And hey, you should never worry about your kids. You're the best dad I know. Cagney and Lacey are gonna grow up great.
Sergeant Jeffords: You think so?
Rosa: 100%.
Sergeant Jeffords: You're right. They're gonna be twin presidents. They'll either run as one person and trick everyone, or they'll run as two and they'll serve for sixteen consecutive years. It's a damned dynasty.