Jake: Guilty. Very cool. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool..... Cool.

Jake: Okay, update on our trial prep. This is our lawyer, Samuel Miller, who, in many ways, is in charge of our defense.
Samuel Miller: In every way.
Jake: Well, "many" is part of "every." I'm facing 15 years in prison. Just let me have this.

Charles: The daddy's a Property Brother, isn't he? It's a Property Baby.

Jake: Speaking of which, Captain, any luck getting coke out of evidence?
Captain Holt: One bag of primo blow, as is the parlance.

Sergeant Jeffords: We don't think you're pregnant. Sharon's pregnant. Uh, that's not true. God, I hope it's not true. What if Sharon's pregnant?

Gina: How many times have I smacked you in your face?
Charles: Lost count.
Gina: And you still have no fear of me.
Charles: I'm trying to read your womb vibe.
Gina: Exactly. Knock it off.

Charles: The father is Milton.
Amy: Who's Milton? We're not a part of your family.
Charles: He's a total loser. I mean, of all the Boyle's to bang, why bang Milton Boyle?
Sergeant Jeffords: He's that bad?
Charles: "He's that bad?" Wow, Terry, you are a rube.

Rosa: Everybody down! [guns cocking]
Jake: I called that. Everybody down! It's not as good. They're already down.
Rosa: Palms on the floor! I wanna see your hands!
Jake: I also wanna see your hands! You're taking all the good lines.

Captain Holt: So what kind of dirt did you dig up on Hawkins?
Jake: Nothing concrete, but we think we know their next target: Capital Trust Bank, Fort Greene Branch.
Rosa: As part of our investigation into the Golden Gang, she managed to get alarm schematics and blueprints. It's the perfect cover. She's so smooth.
Jake: Oh, yeah, she's a smooth criminal. MJ, RIP.

Captain Holt: What was wrong with the step class?
Jake: Too public. Couldn't take the risk.
Rosa: Also, one of us yarfed all over himself after the class.
Jake: Yeah, and it doesn't matter which one of us he was.

Jake: Morning, Lieutenant Hawkins. Hey, have you ever considered going by Lady Hawk? Pretty sweet flick. Matty Broderick, Shelly Pfeiffer, Alf Molina. Not to be confused with Alf, Alf. We all love him.

Charles: You guys, I found out why Gina lied about the non-disclosure agreement.
Sergeant Jeffords: Because of how invasive and crazy you are?
Charles: Oh, Terry, you gullible little rube.It's because of which cousin it is. That's right. I found out which Boyle seed did the deed.

Captain Holt: I still have reservations about this plan. Perhaps you could say your dealer ran out or he's summering in Nantucket.

Adrian Pimento: Okay, here are the ground rules: You can punch me, kick me, pull my hair, I am a-ok being stabbed, biting and scratching are on the table, you can use fire.
Jake: These are the ground rules? Is there anything off limits?
Adrian Pimento: Damn, man. You got something really sick you wanna do, huh? Oh, you little pervert. All right, I like it. Don't tell me. Surprise me. Ooh, this is gonna be fun.

Paxton: Lieutenant, the manager of the Capital Trust Bank in Fort Greene is here.
Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: Oh, yeah.
Rosa: Was that bank even hit?
Paxton: We brought him in because we think it might be the next target.
Rosa: Is that standard procedure?
Paxton: You ask a lot of questions.
Jake: She really doesn't. One time I broke my arm, and she didn't even ask me what happened, and it was a really funny story. [chuckles] Wow, now nobody's asking what happened? This is insane.