Sergeant Jeffords: I should've known there was no talking to a guy like that. I don't see any other option. I'm submitting an official complaint with Holt.
Amy: I know it might feel weird to report another officer, but it's the right move.
Charles: Holt's gonna eat him for breakfast.
Rosa: Maldack has no idea what's about to hit him.

Jake: Yeah, we didn't really know what to say. At one point, I'm pretty sure I sang all of En Vogue's "Free Your Mind."
Sergeant Jeffords: Well, they had fun, and you made 'em feel safe. You did good. Oh, they made you a "thank you" card.
Jake: Aww. Pretty sure my nose isn't quite this big, especially with all the racial sensitivity talk, but I appreciate the effort.

Jake: Whew. I am so glad we don't have to do any more babysitting for a while.
Amy: I know. It was so stressful.
Jake: So stressful. But, like, actually kind of rewarding too.
Amy: Shaping young minds like that felt so powerful.
Jake: Yeah.
Amy: But, like, so exhausting.
Jake: Oh, yeah. Can you imagine doing that every night? Forget it. But also, their little shoes are so cute. They're like little circles.
Amy: I know, and everything they hold looks so big because their hands are so tiny.
Jake: Yeah, and they have to hold a cup of water with both hands 'cause they're so weak.
Amy: I know!
Charles: Whoo-whee! That's what I'm talking about!
Both: Boyle!

Charles: Jake, what's going on? Why is Amy's hair like that?
Jake: Oh, she obsessively braids her hair when she's nervous, and she's super nervous 'cause she's taking the sergeant's exam today.
Charles: But Amy loves tests.
Jake: Not this one. It's always been her plan to be the youngest captain in the history of the NYPD, but if she doesn't pass this exam, she's gonna have to wait another three years to take it again, and that'll disrupt her entire life calendar.
Charles: Is that a real thing?
Jake: It hangs over our bed.

Jake: Yes, and hold onto your crazy-ass hair because I'm about to prove to you that you have nothing to worry about. Follow me. Practice test. You ace it, you relax, you nail the real one, you become a sergeant, you make grateful love to me for 14 hours straight.
Amy: Jake-
Jake: Fine, one hour. 15 minutes. Eight. Three but they're mind-blowing.
Amy: I told you a million times-
Jake: You don't really want more than three.

Sergeant Jeffords: All we have in there are toys from the movie "Kazaam," and none of 'em are even Kazaam.

Sergeant Jeffords: I've been going at him for six hours. He won't say a word. The guy's a brick wall.
Jake: Not to worry, sarge. I'll take it from here. Hope you boys brought popcorn, 'cause I'm about to put on a show.

Laverne Holt: Hello. I'm Judge Holt.
Captain Holt: It's nice to meet you. I'm Tyrone Beverton, a Bordeaux enthusiast who sometimes dabbles in the Burgundies, if forced.
Jake: And I'm Tank Hendricks. Moms love me.
Laverne Holt: Oh, strange detail. But believable.

Jake: Look, in my experience the best thing to do in these types of situations is just talk about it.
Captain Holt: That's not the relationship my mother and I have. We're not open like that.
Jake: Really? Because you're open with me.
Captain Holt: Only because you ask me annoying, intrusive, personal questions all the time.
Jake: Exactly. You need to do that. Be the Jake in the conversation.
Captain Holt: You want me to just say, "Cowabunga, mom"?
Jake: Oh, yes, that would be awesome.
Captain Holt: Well, it's not gonna happen. Alas, we are not cowabunga people.
Dismissed.

Rosa: Ugh, where is this guy? Deal was supposed to go down ten minutes ago. Stupid criminals have no respect for the people trying to bust them.

Samuel Miller: We have airtight alibis for the other three bank robberies you all are accused of.
Amy: Yes, I pulled time sheets, witness statements, and security footage. We can show that both of you weren't present at any of the other robberies, except March 12th. Still not sure where Rosa was.
Rosa: And you never will be.

Jake: Okay, reminder: privacy is cool, but if you don't tell us, we're gonna go to jail for a long time.
Rosa: Fine. I was at a "La La Land" sing-along.

Charles: [on the phone] If he isn't taking his medicine, you could mix it in with his food.
Jake: [hanging up the phone with his walking stick] Sorry, you can deal with your sick dog later, Boyle.
Charles: Well, actually, that was about my son, Nikolaj. He's got allergies. I think we may have to go with a nasal douche.
Jake: Ah, nasal douche. Cool, cool, cool, cool. Very gross.

Amy: You really think you can lie to me?
Rosa: No.
Amy: A-ha! You're lying to me right now. You do think you can lie to me.
Rosa: Yep.
Amy: Wait. Hang on. Was that a lie?
Rosa: I don't know, maybe. All right, see ya.

Captain Holt: This isn't working out as well as I'd hoped. Time for the next level: Forced laughing.