Jake: Although, you know what, since I'm here, why don't I grab, like, eight handguns, couple of shotguns, and, I don't know, three more handguns.
Wax Eagan: Can I see some ID?
Jake: Yes, of course, of course. Oh. Would you look at that? I forgot my license, but I do happen to have this big old wad-
Wax Eagan: No problem.
Jake: Hmm?
Wax Eagan: I don't need your ID. Federal database is down anyway. Wink wink.
Jake: Ah.
Wax Eagan: So how do you like your ammo? By the box or by the bucket?
Jake: Cool, cool, cool, cool. Our country is broken.

Amy: Guys, guys, the marshal gave me good news about Jake.
Charles: Jake's back. Jake's back! Oh, we're not ready. We need gummy worms. We need them now!

Amy: Is there anything you guys want me to write?
Charles: You have to tell Jake about my new son, Nikolaj. That he's four years old, he's from Latvia, he calls me "comrade," and I love him so much.
Amy: Will do.

Amy: Rosa, anything you want to tell Jake?
Rosa: Yeah. Tell him I said- [raises head a little]
Amy: You want me to write that you nodded slightly?
Rosa: He'll know what it means.

Gina: I would like you to tell Jacob that I'm thinking about him and hoping that he's safe. What? Meet the new Gina, who always puts others before herself.
Can you make the whole letter about me doing that?
Amy: Yeah, I'll just tell him that everything's exactly the same.

Jake: Any idea why Marshal Haas called this special meeting?
Captain Holt: I don't know. Do you think she saw the video we put on the Internet to lure Jimmy Figgis down here? "Corn Dog pewwwnd by Go Kart."
Jake: It's "pwned," but that was really adorable.

Captain Holt: Is something off with you, Marshal Haas?
U.S. Marshal Karen Haas: I don't know. I mean, I met someone, okay, and, um I mean, it's not my husband, I mean, nothing's happened yet, but my entire body is on fire. He's Cuban.
Jake: Is this still official business?
U.S. Marshal Karen Haas: Of course it is. Shut up and watch the movie.

Jake: What is this all about? I've been staying away from you; I got a job.
I'm trying to make the best of it, just like you said.
Captain Holt: Well, don't bother. Making the best of it sucks. I want to go home. This town is a crap circus.

Jake: What has gotten into you? You clearly got the promotion like you wanted. Congratulations, by the way. The blue looks great on you.

Captain Holt: Can I take this for a test drive?
Jake: Yeah, sure. The ignition is here.
Captain Holt: I've ridden ATVs before antiquing in the Berkshires.

Captain Holt: What if we don't find Figgis? What if Figgis finds us? [holds up a smart phone]
Jake: But I thought you deleted the file.
Captain Holt: I was going to, but this camera phone camera is not the same kind of camera phone camera as I have, so I couldn't figure out how.

Captain Holt: I say we post this video and use it to lure Figgis down here, making ourselves into bait.
Jake: And once Figgis is here, we take him down, climb out of America's steaming orifice, and go home. I like the way you're thinking, Greg.
Captain Holt: It's Holt. Captain Raymond Holt. Now come and get us, Figgis.

Captain Holt: Have you posted that video to the Internet?
Jordan Carfton: Not yet. Ran out of data on my phone because of all the porn I watched.
Jake: We don't know each other. You could've just said you were out of data.

Jordan Carfton: I'm uploading the video tomorrow at my cousin's wedding. Dog track has free Wi-Fi.
Jake: Would you ever consider not uploading it and deleting it instead? If our boss sees that video, we could be fired.
Jordan Carfton: I don't care about you. A great viral video like that could fetch me ten grand. And do you know what type of tanning bed I could get for that kind of money? A mid-range one.
Captain Holt: Not necessary. Your tan is great as-is. You look like an evenly-stained deck.

Captain Holt: We don't have that kind of money.
Jake: Don't worry. I still have a few tricks up my sleeve. The only thing I need you to do is-
Captain Holt: I'm not gonna show you my tattoo.
Jake: Come on, just give me a hint. Is it an antique boat? Is it a musket? Is it me on a dragon? ... Sir, is it me on a dragon?!