Captain Holt: But if I don't have the winning tube, who does?
Rosa: [shutters open] I do.
Gina: Yet another surprise reveal again.

Jake: It doesn't matter what you do, Ames, you're not gonna ruin this for me.
Amy: Sorry, Jake, but I'm afraid I have to. You'll thank me later.
Jake: Wait, what does that mean?
Charles: [sits up] I know what it means! [both gasp] I heard you talking to Teddy outside the supply closet you locked me in.
Amy: Damn it! How did you get out? [soft chirping]
Jake: [gasps] Mlepnos.
Charles: Amy's throwing you the perfect goodbye.
Jake: Over my dead butt crack, she is. Although, thank you, that was a very nice thought. Now drive!

Captain Holt: You want to know if it's real? Open your gift and find out.
Sergeant Jeffords: A bag of fish?
Captain Holt: What? No. It's supposed to be your captain's bars.
Jake: The fish are my present to Scully. They're the kind that eat the dead skin off your feet.
Scully: Ooh, they're gonna have a feast tonight.

Rosa: Anyway, with nobody watching me, I was able to figure out what Holt was up to and then I had my other partner intercept Cheddar.
Sergeant Jeffords: Who was that?
Bill: It's me, Bill.
Gina: Thurprithe reveal.

Captain Holt: You see, the whole heist was a ruse for the perfect goodbye I planned.
Jake: I mean, it wasn't that perfect. A real perfect goodbye would've had...
Captain Holt: Sentimental gifts for everyone?
Jake: Damn it! Just tell us how you did it.
Captain Holt: Everything hinged on Jeffords. I needed him to drop out of the heist so he'd have access to everyone's secrets, which is why I set up a fake interview for him.
Sergeant Jeffords: You were working with Williams? But he locked us in his office.
Captain Holt: Which was critical to me gaining your trust so you'd tell me where the tube was hidden.
Sergeant Jeffords: Terry's reeling.
Captain Holt: Armed with that information, I texted Kevin who retrieved the tube and handed it off to a person who lured you all here and that person was a dog and that dog was Cheddar.
Sergeant Jeffords: Hold up. That big speech about how I'd make a great captain, that was all a lie?
Captain Holt: No, no, I meant every word of it. In fact, it's exactly what I said to the real Williams two weeks ago. It's part of the reason he decided to make you... the new captain of the Nine-Nine.
Sergeant Jeffords: Wait, what? Is this fake too? Y'all need to cut the [bleep] and be honest with me. This is my life we're talking about.

Rosa: So, my plan was simple. The best way to win is to sit back, watch everyone else, and then choose your moment. But to do that, I needed people to think I was gone.
Gina: It's a trick she learned from me. [lisping] During the fourth heist, universally considered the best heist.
Rosa: You were so eager to think I'd drop everything and chase after Adrian.
Amy: So you don't want to end up with Pimento?
Rosa: No, but you believed it because you all think for someone to be happy, their story has to end with marriage and kids.
Amy: I mean, I believed it because you told me and I trust you.
Rosa: Whatever, breeder.

Rosa: So, let's crown me. The Grand Champion of the Nine-Nine. [opens tube] A six-month subscription to the Rosetta Stone?
Captain Holt: That's my present for Peralta.
Jake: Your present to me is school? I'm glad you're leaving.

Jake: There you are, my cheating my wife! Give me the tube.
Amy: I don't have it. The baby's empty. You lied to me!
Jake: I'm not the liar, you're the liar. I put a tracker in the tube so I know you've hidden it somewhere in this... nope, you were telling the truth, it's on the move. Someone else has it.

Captain Holt: But wait, if that's not Terry's bars, what's in the real tube? Wireless headphones?
Amy: They're AirPods. They're my gift for everyone.
Jake: What? But you told me not to get people AirPods! You said everyone already has headphones!
Amy: Yeah, so you wouldn't buy them and I would get all the glory.
Scully: Wow. Great gift, Amy.
Jake: Come on!

Jake: Okay, according to the tracker it's close. Let's just agree that we're gonna pick it up and head to the Brooklyn Bridge.
Amy: Yeah, I agree. That you can suck it! We will end up at Shaw's, which is actually a meaningful final location. [tires screech, horn honks]
Sergeant Jeffords: Are we too late? Did you get the tube?
Jake: No, it's somewhere in this building. Brooklyn Storage Solutions.
Amy: Wait a second.
Charles: I know this place.
Jake: Yes, this is where we worked our first case with Captain Holt.
Captain Holt: That's right, it's a meaningful location. Tonight is my victory lap. I planned the perfect goodbye.
Jake: You have gotta be kidding me.

Jake: When did you have time to build all this?
Amy: Oh, I had it prefabbed months ago, and I set it up while you were looking for Charles.
Jake: You planted the resignation letter in my locker so Charles would find it.
Amy: Yep. And then I knew you'd wanna show off the fireworks. The fireworks that I sold you.
Jake: You're Kristaps?
Amy: [Ukrainian: "Of course I'm Kristaps."]
Jake: Gah, I got to stop falling for that.

Jake: But wait, if everything was fake, what knocked me out?
[flashback:]
Jake: [timer beeping rapidly] Oh, no. [Jake passes out when Amy holds a rag over his mouth]
Charles: What are you doing?
Amy: I know, Charles, but there's something I have to tell you, okay? [holds rag over Charles' mouth]
[present:]
Amy: I locked Charles in a supply closet.
Jake: I have but two things to say to you. One: thank you. I've always wanted to be chloroformed. And, two: how dare you?
Amy: Sorry, babe. But I play to win. [drops key]
Jake: Gah! That was super cool. I hate how attracted I am to you right now!

Amy: Oh, my God. You're awake. I can't believe it, you're actually awake.
Jake: Hey. Wait a minute. What's going on? I gotta get back to the heist.
Amy: No, the heist? Jake, you've been in a coma for seven years.
Jake: What?

Amy: That worked so well. On to phase two. Thanks for doing that, Teddy. I'm really glad that we could be friends again.
Teddy: Of course. I'll always be here for you. Which is why I have a question to ask.
Amy: Oh, no.
Teddy: Amy Santiago, will you marry...
Amy: No! I am married to Jake.
Teddy: And I'm married to Elizabeth. It's perfect. Plus, you just betrayed him. You guys are obviously having issues.
Amy: No, I only betrayed him to pull off my secret plan. I am throwing him the perfect goodbye and it has to be a surprise.
Teddy: Fine. But if you think I'm just gonna sit around and wait for you change your mind... you're right. I will be parked outside for two more hours.

Amy: You're cutting me out? This is about you wanting fireworks, isn't it?
Jake: Oh, Amy, it's about so much more than that.
[later:]
Jake: It's one million percent just about the fireworks.
Charles: Those look very dangerous.
Jake: No, it'll be fine. We're not gonna be anywhere near when it goes off. You control the whole thing from your phone.
Charles: How do you know when it's armed?
Jake: The red light starts blinking.
Charles: Like that one?
Jake: Uh-oh, uh, uh... you know what? This is okay, this is okay. I can just turn it off using the app. "Set up your profile first?" Why? How many times am I gonna use a fireworks app?
Charles: It started counting down!
Jake: Name, email. "Select the squares with stop signs in them?"
Charles: Okay, Jake, we gotta go!
Jake: Is a stop light a stop sign? Charles, is a stop light a stop sign?
Charles: I don't know, they both require full stops! Jake, come on!
Jake: All right, I'm in. No, "username already taken?" Who would want to use "Jake?" [countdown beeping] Oh, no.