Charles: Here it is. The original Boyle family sourdough starter, the mother of the mother dough. It's still good, but the lid on the jar has been stuck for over a hundred years.
Sam Boyle: There's an old family legend that it can only be opened by The One True Boyle.
Lyndon Boyle: I wanted to show my dad that I was not a disgrace to the family. But I couldn't budge it. Maybe he was right.
Jake: Oh, Lyndon. What a tale. But I don't think that's why you came in this barn at all. I think you came in here for this.
Sergeant Jeffords: Is that nutria poison?
Charles: It's rat poison. Nutria are pets. You psychopath.
Jake: Ah. Nitrobenzene. That causes the exact type of ulcers we found in Pappy Boyle's mouth. And look what we have here. A single brown hair, belonging to the murderer. Terry, please send this off to the local police station for a DNA test. Now all we need is one of your hairs, Lyndon.
Lyndon Boyle: I didn't kill my father. Why am I being singled out?
Sam Boyle: Why not take a hair from every Boyle so Cousin Lyndon doesn't feel that way?
Charles: Sure, great idea. I'll go first.
Jake: I mean it's more work for the lab, but it's fine with me. Are you okay with that, Lyndon? [Lyndon plucks a hair] Oh, wow. Went with a nose hair. Didn't see that coming. But it's definitely long enough.
Sergeant Jeffords: [chuckles] No.

Sergeant Jeffords: DNA results are in.
Jake: Ooh, and? Who did it? It was Lyndon, right?
Sergeant Jeffords: Hair is... "rodent in origin."
Captain Holt: What? Doesn't make any sense. Here, forward it to me.
Sergeant Jeffords: Must've been a nutria hair. Those things are everywhere.
Jake: Ugh. Wait a minute. This is weird. According to the DNA results, everyone in the Boyle family is related except one.
Sergeant Jeffords: Lyndon?
Jake: No. Charles. Charles Boyle isn't a Boyle.

Amy: Oh, no, Rosa. They're leaving together. What are we gonna do?
Rosa: We stop them. Even if it means we have to kill Todd.
Amy: Smart. Let's go.

Jake: The person who killed Pappy wasn't a person at all. It was Muffin. [all gasp] I checked her mouth, and Muffin had the same ulcers that Pappy had.
Muffin ate the poison, and then Pappy drank her milk.
Sergeant Jeffords: Charles, you said nutria could open doors. Muffin must've let herself into the barn.
Jake: Which explains why we found her hair on the box.
Charles: So Lyndon was innocent.
Sam Boyle: Wait, how did you know it was Muffin's hair? Did you get the DNA report back?
Jake: Exactly.
Charles: Wait, but I thought the report was gonna take a week because of the lab tech's allergies.
Jake: Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. But then they decided to use a subcontractor who was allergy-free, so let's just move on and talk about something else immediately.
Charles: Three "uh-huh's"? Clearly you're lying about something.
Jake: Why you being a jerk to me?
Charles: Show me the report, Jake.
Jake: Okay, fine. But just look at the top result 'cause that's all that matters. "Specimen hair was rodent in nature." And that's that.
Charles: Oh, my God. I'm not a Boyle. [all gasp]

Charles: Look, let's go home.
Sergeant Jeffords: We're leaving? What about the funeral? What about the eulogy?
Charles: I don't feel right giving it now. Sam offered to step in. I'll have him do it.
Jake: No, no, no. Wait. Assemble the cousins.

Charles: Okay, I'm packed. Let's go home.
Jake: Charles, I'm sorry. I feel like this was all my fault.
Charles: Why? Did you inseminate my mother?
Jake: What? Ew, no.
Charles: Don't say ew. She's my one blood relation. Remember, I'm not a real Boyle.
Jake: Okay, fine. Maybe you're not a real Boyle. But what if you're a true Boyle? What if you're The One True Boyle?
Charles: No, no. You want me to open the Grandmother Dough. That jar is stuck shut. Nobody's ever been able to do it.
Jake: But you have to try. Terry, go grab it. All right, now let's reassemble those cousins.

Charles: Pappy's hugs were long and firm.
Jake: Okay, here's what I think might've happened. You loosened the jar, but you didn't realize it because you're a Godzilla man, and you don't know your own strength.
Sergeant Jeffords: First of all, thank you for calling me a Godzilla man.
Jake: Yeah.
Sergeant Jeffords: Secondly, that's not it. The jar was too slippery.
Jake: All right, how about this? Charles was so freaked out about not being a Boyle that he got an adrenaline rush, and that made him stronger.
Sergeant Jeffords: Or maybe Charles is the One True Boyle.
Charles: And I know that Pappy's up there shopping for beige slacks at that Mervyn's in the sky.
All: Ah, Mervyn's!
Jake: Yeah, he's the One True Boyle.

Jake: Fortunately, I know how to find his personal computer thanks to his YouTube rants about the NHL.
Frank O'Sullivan: [video] This is Islanders Talk, and today's topic: can hockey have female fans?
Jake: Yeah, he's not a good person. Anyway, those videos are taken in the "man cave" in O'Sullivan's basement, so that's gotta be where his laptop is. Holt and I will be infiltrating his house and retrieving it.
Sergeant Jeffords: How are you gonna get past him?
Jake: He won't be home. We're gonna lure him out using his one weakness.
[flash-forward:]
Frank O'Sullivan: Rare Billy Joel memorabilia sale?
Carol: Oh, that's nice, hear.
Frank O'Sullivan: Ah.
[present:]
Jake: O'Sullivan will meet with an ex-roadie named Geronimo Rodriguez, who will actually be an undercover Terry Jeffords, our resident Billy Joel superfan.
Sergeant Jeffords: It was one time. You caught me lip-synching to "Uptown Girl" one time.
Jake: Nope, he's your favorite singer; everybody knows it.
Captain Holt: And you're the only one O'Sullivan hasn't interacted with. If he stumps you, Santiago will be nearby, feeding you Billy Joel facts into your ear.
Jake: You guys need to keep him busy and then use a piece of fake memorabilia to get a fingerprint we can use to unlock his laptop.

Jake: Okay, everything is all... What am I looking at?
Carol: Your friend here was very clumsy and he spilled on himself.
Jake: Well, we got everything we needed, but I can wait if Maxwell needs a little more time to dry off.
Captain Holt: No, no, no, I'm all dry now. We can leave.
Carol: Oh, wait, let me give you my number. I only have the landline, so if my son, Frankie, answers, hang up. He gets a little jealous.
Captain Holt: Not to worry, Mrs. O'Sullivan. Maxwell Maxwell is nothing if not discreet.
Carol: [pulls out gun] Not discreet enough.
Jake: Okay, look, I don't know what kind of freaky stuff you guys are into, but I want no part of it.

Jake: Let's just try to stay calm. I think you're making a big mistake here.
Carol: No, I'm not. He called me Mrs. O'Sullivan. That was my name three marriages ago. I'm Carol Shaughnessy now. If he's calling me Mrs. O'Sullivan, it's 'cause he knows who my son is and you're up to something.
Captain Holt: Carol, baby.
Carol: Don't "baby" me. Get down in the basement.
Captain Holt: Well, I always like going down.
Carol: I said move. I'm calling my son.
Jake: Feel like she considered it.

Captain Holt: We're locked in. If she gets in touch with O'Sullivan, it's over.
Jake: Wait. She said she doesn't have a cell phone. That means if we can tie up her landline, she can't call anyone. [picks up phone handset]
Carol: Hey, what did you do with the phone?
Captain Holt: Smart, but we're still trapped down here. [Jake smiles] Does that smile mean you know a way out?
Jake: Hmm? Oh, no, I was just... thinking about how you were about to hook up with that old lady. [laughs] [clears throat] But no, yeah, we're totally screwed.

Charles: See? Cheddar almost blew our cover. I told you not to mess with him.
Rosa: Charles, he smelled food and he wanted to eat it. He's a dog, not a super villain.
Charles: I don't know, he's really staring you down right now.
Rosa: Oh, yeah?
Charles: Yeah.
Rosa: Watch this. [stares at Cheddar] [Cheddar whines] Sucker.

Sergeant Jeffords: Wait, wait! I want that back. I was only selling the lyrics. If I knew about the gum, I would've charged you more.
Frank O'Sullivan: Ah, a bunch of bunk. You set a price, I hit the bid. End of story.
Amy: [in ear piece] Terry, if we don't get that fingerprint, we won't be able to open his laptop and they'll kill our reform program.
Sergeant Jeffords: Please! I really need that gum.
Frank O'Sullivan: You can beg all you want. A deal is a deal.
Amy: Oh, God, it's all falling apart. Everything good in my life...
Frank O'Sullivan: Look, you don't understand how special this is, so you don't deserve to have it.
Amy: Happened when he showed up. I mean, Jake is only...
Frank O'Sullivan: I can't even believe you worked for William Martin Joel...
Amy: The mostly mature man that he is because of Holt...
Frank O'Sullivan: And rummaged through his trash.
Amy: So he'll backslide, and then our marriage will fall apart.
Frank O'Sullivan: So no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Amy: And our son will grow up in a broken home.
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, my God, enough! You need to move on!
Amy: Are you talking to me?
Frank O'Sullivan: You talking to me?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, I'm talking to you. You need to move on.
Amy: From Captain Holt?
Frank O'Sullivan: From Billy Joel?
Sergeant Jeffords: It's not healthy to have your entire identity wrapped up in another person.
Amy: I know, but Raymond Holt...
Frank O'Sullivan: I know, but Billy Joel...
Both: Taught me everything.
Sergeant Jeffords: But look what it's doing to you. Just look at yourself right now.
Amy: I guess I am kind of messing up this mission.
Frank O'Sullivan: I guess I could use the money for the bank so they don't take my ma's house.
Amy: Thank you, Terry.
Frank O'Sullivan: Thank you, Geronimo Rodriguez.

Sergeant Jeffords: Okay, here's your resin. Do your magic.
Amy: You're not gonna scold me for almost ruining the mission?
Sergeant Jeffords: No, Amy, I get it. But look, you don't need Holt to succeed. You are the most capable person I know.
Amy: Thanks, Terry. Now, let's go get this mold to Jake and Holt. [raises arms]
Sergeant Jeffords: What are you doing?
Amy: I thought you could carry me again. It was very comforting.
Sergeant Jeffords: Okay.
Amy: Thank you, Terry. I love you.

Charles: Oh, no.
Kevin: Cheddar.
Charles: Oh, hi, Kevin. Found Cheddar.
Kevin: Oh, my God, Raymond is on a case.
Rosa: [to Cheddar] You sick son of a bitch.