Jake: It doesn't matter what you do, Ames, you're not gonna ruin this for me.
Amy: Sorry, Jake, but I'm afraid I have to. You'll thank me later.
Jake: Wait, what does that mean?
Charles: [sits up] I know what it means! [both gasp] I heard you talking to Teddy outside the supply closet you locked me in.
Amy: Damn it! How did you get out? [soft chirping]
Jake: [gasps] Mlepnos.
Charles: Amy's throwing you the perfect goodbye.
Jake: Over my dead butt crack, she is. Although, thank you, that was a very nice thought. Now drive!

Amy: Hey, can I talk to you for a sec? I just want you to know that I don't care if you end up with anyone or get married or whatever. I just want you to be happy.
Rosa: I am happy. I'm making a difference, I've got great friends. Also, I'm moving in with my girlfriend, Debra. She is amazing. She makes me feel whole.
Amy: Oh, really?
Rosa: Oh, my God, this is too easy. No, I don't want to settle down.
Amy: Right. I'm sorry, sorry.
Rosa: It's fine. I'm just messing with you. It's crazy you're leaving. We spent a lot of time here.
Amy: Yeah, we did. I'm really happy it was with you.
Rosa: Same here. I love you.
Amy: I love you too. [glasses clink]

Sergeant Jeffords: Wait, wait, wait, did you say your goodbye to the Nine-Nine? Where you going?
Jake: Uh, well, I was hoping that this would be a more dramatic moment accompanied by fireworks but... I'm leaving the NYPD.
Captain Holt: You are?
Rosa: What?
Gina: Theriouthly?
Sergeant Jeffords: For real?
Jake: Yeah. Today was my last day. And now it looks like it's gonna end with all of us locked in a storage facility.

Jake: Amy, Amy, we've got a problem. Charles found out I was leaving somehow and he got so upset that he ran away. I don't know where he went and he's not answering his phone.
Amy: Don't you have a tracker implanted in his brain or something?
Jake: Amy, I would never do that. It's a serious medical procedure. Which is why I had a doctor do it eight years ago when they were operating on the bullet wounds in Charles' butt.
Amy: Smart, stick it in his butt holes.
Jake: Oh, I was expecting more judgment from you. And definitely a different phrasing.

Rosa: All right, who has the real tube?
Bill: I do. [shutters close] [all shouting at once]
Charles: What are you doing, Bill?
Bill: [o.s.] I'm sorry, but this is your fault for ending the heists.They're my only source of income. You're still my best friends. Goodbye!
Jake: Bill!

[about a year later:]
Sergeant Jeffords: Now that that's been sorted, are there any questions?
Jake: Yes! I have a question! Captain Jeffords, are you ready for the Halloween Heist?
Sergeant Jeffords: What are you doing, Peralta? Last year was the final heist. We all agreed it was over.
Jake: Ah, Terry, you jolly simpleton. That was obviously a ruse. I mean, did you really think I was gonna let Hitchcock win the last heist? I mean, that would be crazy! Hitchcock? It would've been unforgiveable.
Hitchcock: That's true, it felt wrong.
Captain Holt: I know someone who's in. The old janitor, which is actually me! Deputy Commissioner Raymond Holt.
Amy: And he's not the only one. I'm in too.
Rosa: Me too.
Gina: As am I. Gina Linetti.
Jake: That's right, Terry, this is happening every year. We're in each other's lives forever, whether you like it or not. So, what do you say, Captain? Are we doing this?
Sergeant Jeffords: What I say is... Nine-Nine!
All: Nine-Nine!

Jake: The plan was lure everyone to the Brooklyn Bridge and give you all gifts. So, here's yours.
Charles: Oh!
Jake: The dummy tubes just unscrew.
Charles: Okay. The most recent issue of Fancy Brudgom magazine?
Jake: You know how you always wanted them to do a Fancy Bedste Venner feature on us?
Charles: Yeah, but that's just for the fanciest best friends.
Jake: Turn to page 63.
Charles: Oh, my God, you didn't. You did! We're Fancy Bedste Venners!
Jake: We're Fancy Bedste Venners!
Both: We're Fancy Bedste Venners!

Jake: Hey, great news, the perfect goodbye is back on and we have a new teammate.
Amy: Really? What even is "our team?" Because I know you gave me a dummy tube.
Jake: Ah, and did you find what was inside of it?
Amy: Yeah, an egg.
Jake: And do you know why I gave you an egg?
Amy: 'Cause eggs suck and you're still mad about that one time I beat you at Mario Kart?
Jake: It was beginner's luck! Just... open it.
Amy: A necklace with a little binder on it?
Jake: It has three tiny tabs. One for me, one for you, and one for Mac.
Amy: Aw! It really bothers me that they're not alphabetical but I assume that it's functional and I can correct them?
Jake: It is and you can.
Amy: Then I love it and I'll treasure it forever. Now tell me where the real tube is, you bastard!

Charles: Oh, Jake, I can't believe you're leaving. I mean, it's not the Nine-Nine without you.
Jake: I know, but Rosa's already gone and Holt and Amy are moving on too.
Charles: Is that why you're doing this? To fit in with that crowd?

Jake: Wait, no. No, no, no. This... this isn't really happening. I'm dreaming. And because this is a dream, I'm in control. You know who's gonna walk through that door right now? Bruce Willis.
Teddy: [enters] Jake, you woke up!
Jake: No! Teddy? Amy, why is your ex-boyfriend here?
Teddy: Oh, you haven't told him yet, babe?
Amy: Uh.
Jake: Babe? He called you babe. What's going on?
Amy: I'm sorry, I know this is a lot.
Jake: No.
Amy: But the last seven years have been really hard. Raising Mac on my own, never knowing if you would wake up, and Teddy was a great friend to me. And a couple years ago, we went on a trip.
Teddy: It's not her fault. We were both seduced by the city of Tampa.
Jake: I can't believe this. You replaced me with Teddy?
Teddy: I could never replace you, Jake. I just wanted Mac to have a father figure in his life. I come over and we watch sports. We are obsessed with college swimming.
Jake: Hey, doc, can you put me back in the coma?
Dr. Midj: You're agitated, that's normal. Tell me how you're feeling. Pain?
Jake: I mean, just the pain of learning that my wife is married to another man.
Teddy: Oh, we're not married. I'm just here for Amy physically.
Jake: That's worse!

Captain Holt: So, you're leaving. That must've been a hard decision.
Jake: Honestly... [looks at Amy] It wasn't.
Captain Holt: It's funny. On my first day here, I asked Jeffords to tell me about everyone. He told me you were a great detective, but the one thing you couldn't figure out was how to grow up. Well... I think you've finally figured it out.
Jake: Well, thank you, sir. I couldn't have done it without you.
Captain Holt: Over the years, you've sometimes referred to me as something of a father figure.
Jake: Did I? I didn't realize that.
Captain Holt: But I want you to know if I had had a son and, uh, he had turned out like you, I would be very proud of him.
Jake: Thank you, sir. Wow. Wasn't expecting to get this emotional.
Captain Holt: It's not bad for an old robot, huh? Beep-borp. Zeep.
Jake: [chuckles] Sir, did you just make a joke?
Captain Holt: I believe I did, yes. I guess in the end, we rubbed off on each other quite a bit. Title of your sex movie. Did I do that right?
Jake: It was perfect. [both chuckle softly]

[about a year later:]
Sergeant Jeffords: Shaheen and Dunn, you're on the Prospect Park tagger. Gates, Nahar, remember to check in with Forensics. Boyle, Larkin, I want you working the J Street Axe murder.
Detective Larkin: Ooh, we're the butcher bimbos.
Charles: No.
Detective Larkin: The butcher babes.
Charles: Nope.
Detective Larkin: Detective Boyle and his little butcher buddy.
Charles: Oh, I like that.

Captain Holt: But if I don't have the winning tube, who does?
Rosa: [shutters open] I do.
Gina: Yet another surprise reveal again.

Hitchcock: I missed you, bud.
Scully: I missed you too. [they hug]
Hitchcock: [sniffs] Mmm. You got wing sauce on your collar.
Scully: I left it there for you.

Amy: That worked so well. On to phase two. Thanks for doing that, Teddy. I'm really glad that we could be friends again.
Teddy: Of course. I'll always be here for you. Which is why I have a question to ask.
Amy: Oh, no.
Teddy: Amy Santiago, will you marry...
Amy: No! I am married to Jake.
Teddy: And I'm married to Elizabeth. It's perfect. Plus, you just betrayed him. You guys are obviously having issues.
Amy: No, I only betrayed him to pull off my secret plan. I am throwing him the perfect goodbye and it has to be a surprise.
Teddy: Fine. But if you think I'm just gonna sit around and wait for you change your mind... you're right. I will be parked outside for two more hours.