Doug Judy: What is my least favorite thing?
Jake: Meringue because it looks so much better than it tastes.
Doug Judy: It's a trick food!

Doug Judy: I guess I know you better after all.
Jake: Or do you?
Doug Judy: Wait, why are you smiling?
Jake: Because we played you! If you actually knew me, you would have known that I only agreed to do "Who Knows Mo', Friend Or Foe, Are You Fo' Real Or Just Fo' Show?" In order to stall.
Charles: I was in on it. "Estelle Minderman" is the code word we use for when there's a twist, because when Estelle hosts game night at the Senior Center, she always makes sure one of the games has a sexy twist.
Jake: And when I was writing my answers into my phone, I was secretly texting Captain Holt our vehicle description and location. Backup is already on the way. Wait, why are you smiling now?
Doug Judy: Because I played you. I knew you would text for backup. So I changed your contacts while I was DJ-ing.
[flashback:]
Doug Judy: Kendrick Lamar, Meek Mill, really a lot of Taylor Swift.
[present:]
Doug Judy: So when you were texting Captain Holt, you were actually texting Trudy Judy.
[flashback:]
Trudy Judy: "State troopers are on their way. Sincerely, Raymond Holt."
[present:]
Doug Judy: Now my crew knows exactly where we are and exactly what we're driving. Because I know you mo'. Slurp, slurp.

Doug Judy: What is the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to me?
Jake: Oh, when you were cut out of that season of Real Housewives where you were dating Ramona.
Doug Judy: I wasn't embarrassed. I was just disappointed at the way it was handled.
Jake: Yeah.

Charles: Doug's up by one. Jake, you need to answer the final question correctly. Otherwise, he wins. Doug, lay it on him.
Doug Judy: Hmm. [covers ear] Jake Peralta, do I have an earring?
Jake: Um. What?
Doug Judy: You heard me. We've been in the car for three hours. You've known me for seven years. Do I have an earring?
Jake: Oh, no. I'm drawing a blank. I can kind of picture a diamond stud.
Doug Judy: That'd be a good look.
Jake: Or maybe a gold cross or a little hoop.
Doug Judy: I do have versatile ears.
Jake: Now I'm just seeing it pretty clearly with no earring. Ah, this is hard. But I'm gonna go with my gut and say... yes, you do have an earring. [Doug removes his hand] Nothing but lobe? This whole time?
Doug Judy: Since the day we met. [Jake groans]

Doug Judy: What is the name of the alter ego I use for fancy crimes?
Jake: Lord Poncy Cumbershire.
Doug Judy: 'Tis correct.
Charles: Point for Jake.

Doug Judy: How did you find cheeseburger cracker Combos? Weren't they discontinued? Tell me the whole story.
Jake: A bodega in Queens had an old box.
Doug Judy: Wow.
Jake: Yeah.
Doug Judy: Kind of makes me sad, though.
Jake: How come?
Doug Judy: One day, it's out in the world thriving, and then poof, gets pulled off the streets.
Jake: Ah. Well, I mean, it's not like it's gone forever. You know, it'll be back in circulation soon.
Doug Judy: Maybe, but sometimes when a product is taken off the shelves, it never returns.
Jake: It's gonna be okay. I promise I'll visit the Combos every month.
Doug Judy: The Combos will be very grateful for that. They're lucky to have a friend like you.

Jake: I get all that, but that's not what this is about. I mean, you could have escaped from anyone, but you chose to set me up. And now my job and my name are all on the line. You used me, Doug. You're a bad friend.
Doug Judy: You're the bad friend.
Jake: I got you a tracksuit. Tigers and toucs.
Doug Judy: Might as well be a jumpsuit. A prison jumpsuit. You're taking me to prison. The fact that you thought I'd go willingly means you don't know me at all.
Jake: Oh, please. I know everything about you.
Doug Judy: You didn't know my catchphrase.
Jake: You have never once said "slurp, slurp" before today.
Doug Judy: That you believe that is so hurtful.

Charles: Welcome to the Boyle bus.
Doug Judy: Why we getting in this wack ride?
Jake: Charles refuses to accept what close friends we are. He thinks you're trying to escape and that your crew's on the lookout for the Trans Am, so he insisted we switch into his weird family bus.
Doug Judy: That's ridiculous.
Jake: Isn't it?
Doug Judy: It doesn't matter what vehicle we're in.
Jake: That's what I said.
Doug Judy: I'm gonna escape from you either way.
Jake: Exactly. Wait, what was that?

Doug Judy: Is that a '79 Pontiac Trans Am?
Jake: Sexy-ass surprise number one. We're riding in style.
Doug Judy: I can't believe the Department of Corrections was cool with you taking your friend to prison.
Jake: Well, I can be very persuasive. I got the guy and his family a six-day pass to Pirate's Cove Waterpark.
Doug Judy: So many days in the water. The family's gonna be pruney.
Jake: Yeah, it wasn't a good bribe.

Doug Judy: Sup, Peralta?
Jake: Hey, what's going on? Why didn't you tell me you're in jail? Did you not want me to find out who arrested you? Is there another cop in your life?
Doug Judy: No, none of these pigs mean jack to me. No offense to Evan. You've been great this week.

Doug Judy: And on the way over there, a guy rear-ended me and the cops showed up. Turns out I had a warrant out for my arrest.
Jake: But we wiped your criminal record.
Doug Judy: You wiped my New York record. I stole a car in Trenton five years ago.
Jake: Well, you still should have called me. I could've helped you out.
Doug Judy: It wouldn't have mattered. There's a lot of evidence against me. I left a picture of me at the scene of the crime with a note bragging about how I did it.
Jake: Ah, well, yes, that would make it difficult.
Doug Judy: Impossible.

Doug Judy: You know, you should actually use him while he's there. He'll give you a dope fade.
Jake: I get dope enough fades from my current barber, thank you. So you dragged us over here, went in there, pretended to talk, and then snuck out the basement. Am I right?
Doug Judy: The basement connected to another basement! Which connected to a garage, which is where my boy picked me up.
Jake: Your boy? Oh, that guy from the meet-up. He works for you. He pretended to be spooked by me and Diaz in the parking lot to make sure that we let you go to the next meeting by yourself.
Doug Judy: Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding! You win a Teddy bear!
Jake: You lied to me, Doug Judy. Gotta be honest, I'm pretty disappointed right now. I mean, was that even really your mom?
Doug Judy: Hell yeah, that's my real mom. I wanted to see her one last time before I disappeared. I told you I was sensitive, Rosa.
Rosa: Yeah, you did. Why don't you come back here and take me out to dinner?
Doug Judy: Ah, ha ha. I know you're trying to trap me. But crazy thing is I'm tempted! That's how hot I find you.

Captain Holt: Grand theft auto. Grand theft auto. Grand theft auto. Dog fraud.
Doug Judy: I sold a guy a fake Pekinese. 'Twas a cat.
Captain Holt: You will not win me over with your use of 'twas.
Doug Judy: 'Twasn't trying to.
Jake: [snorts]

Jake: All right, look, Judy, I know you're getting married.
Doug Judy: Damn it, I didn't think you'd find out about that. Who told you, Ronnie? Bobby? Ricky? Mike?
Jake: Don't try and change the subject by tricking me into singing New Edition with you.
Doug Judy: I don't know what you're talking about. Ronnie, Bobby, Ricky and Mike...
Both: [singing] If I like the girl who cares who you like
Doug Judy: Whoo!

Doug Judy: But, there is one detail you missed. You never saw what I was painting on the inside of my mug at the pottery place.
Jake: "Will you be my best man"? Judy, is this for real?
Doug Judy: It ain't fiction.... [singing] Just a natural fact
Jake: What!
Both: [singing] We come together 'cause opposites attract
Jake: I'll do it! [both shout]
Both: [rapping] Awww... I'm MC Kat on the rap, so Mic it Here's a little story and you're sure to like it
Jake: The worst rap!