Jake: Three hours with no Holt or Terry. Do you know what this means?
Charles: Makeovers?
Jake: No, Charles.

Jake: - Morning, Captain.
Captain Holt: Peralta.
Jake: I'd like to introduce you to someone. His name is Simon, and I hate him.
Captain Holt: Hello, Simon. This is Balthazar. He's an evil demon who spits fire in my throat.
Jake: Goiters, huh?

Amy: Jake, you need to drop this case.
Jake: What are you talking about? The plan is working perfectly. Holt hasn't been lonely all week.
Amy: Yeah, because he's too busy almost dying. Look at him.
Jake: What? He's just "Beautiful Mind"-ing it. Because he's a genius.
Amy: He's writing the word "case" over and over again. Oh, now he's spelling it with a K.
Jake: Is that not how you spell it? Again, I have a mouth, neck, and testicle-melting fever.

Jake: Hey. Have you seen Terry? I lost him. His children could be orphans already. Father-less mother-having orphans.

Charles: The Ebony Falcon.
Jake: No, the Ebony Falcon had no fear. He's the Ebony Antelope now. Brave enough to drink at the lake, but wise enough to run from the lions.

Party guest: There's no one funnier than Ray Holt.
Amy: Amen.
Jake: There isn't?!

Jake: Hey, there you are, and oh, my God what is happening?
Captain Holt: I've gotten mad, and now I'm getting even.
Jake: Okay, look, Sir, I know you're upset, but you need to stay calm and treat this like any other case. I mean, I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but now is not the time to go all John Wick.
Captain Holt: Who's that? A friend of yours?
Jake: [sighs] I wish, but he's not a real person. He's a movie assassin that goes nuts when someone messes with his dog.
Captain Holt: Then call me "John Wicks," 'cause I'm about to go nuts.
Jake: It's "Wick," singular, and you already did go nuts.

Jake: I don't have a problem. I'm just trying to solve this case, and everyone's making a huge deal because I have a few minor injuries to my ribs, ankle, hand, toes and jaw.
Charles: Jaw?
Jake: Yeah, that just happened. I got hit in the face with a box.

Jake: What's the best moment of your life?
Sergeant Jeffords: My wedding day, tied with the day my babies were born.
Jake: Compared to this, those memories will be garbage.
Sergeant Jeffords: You don't know what you're saying.
Jake: Because I'm not married and I don't have kids, right?

Jake: Sir, you're the perfect candidate: smart, well-respected, you smell great. That has nothing to do with the job. It's just something I've been meaning to tell you. Is it sandalwood?
Captain Holt: Please calm down.
Jake: Right, totally. Don't wanna jinx it.
Captain Holt: I don't believe in jinxes.
Jake: Great, then you won't mind me saying it's a lock. You're definitely gonna get it, and you're gonna smell even better with that Lord High Commander of all Justice stank on you.

Jake: I will stop at nothing to get that trophy. I will shoot you all in the face if I have to.
Go team!

Amy: Rosa, I'm working this case with you. Jake, I know we have a ton of wedding stuff to do, but-
Jake: No, no, no. You absolutely have to do this. He's your white whale. He's your Johnny Franzia.
Amy: Who?
Jake: My archnemesis? Johnny Franzia? The guy who's been tormenting me with a deck of cards for years? "Looks like deuces are wild, Peralta"? Seriously? I feel like I talk about him constantly, but it doesn't matter.

Jake: Sorry, dude, but this new guy's just gonna be another washed up pencil pusher who's only concerned with following every rule in the patrol guide. Meep. Morp. Zeep. Robot Captain engage.

Jake: I don't know what's gonna happen on this assignment, and if something bad goes down, I think I'd be pissed at myself if I didn't say this. I kinda wish something could happen, between us, romantic styles.

Jake: Okay. This is everyone I could think of who'd want to mess with my life. Perps, people I've testified against, the old guy who lived underneath me when I was learning the Gangnam style dance.