Captain Holt: (After Jake completes a pull-up) Good job. Can you do it without screaming?
Jake: Pro-bab-ly.

Jake: Look, Raymond. A yellow crested warbler.
Captain Holt: Yes! That's the right level of excitement for such a bird. You captured the essence of Kevin. You've done it.
Jake: Correction, I've accomplished it.
Captain Holt: Indeed.
Kevin: Indeed.
Jake: Indeed, indeed, indeed...
All: Indeed, indeed, indeed, indeed, indeed.
Jake: It's growing on me.

Charles: Did you see those tears? No way he did it.
Jake: Are you serious? Anyone can fake cry. You just have to think of something sad. Like that episode of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles when Leonardo was in a coma.
Charles: And that works?
Jake: Yeah. Yeah, it does.

Scully: Found it. Here.
Charles: "Don't tell me where the next clue is hidden, tell me why."
Amy: "Tell me why." From that time Jake made the perp sing that song.
Jake: Wait a minute, you guys know about that? Were any of you actually there?
Rosa: You've told us the story many times.
Captain Holt: And tried to recreate the moment on several occasions.
[flashback:]
All: ♪ Working at the car wash ♪
Jake: No, number two and five, you're off key. Number three, you're coming in way too early. I mean, what are we even doing here, guys? [to the witness] So which one do you think killed your family?
[present:]
Jake: Yeah, I got to stop trying to recapture the magic of the original and move on. Anyways, back to the eighth annual heist.

Jake: And my mom thinks she knows all the worst things that my dad did, but she has no idea. She doesn't even know that he cheated on her with her best friend, Sheila Bodden.
Amy: Oh, my God.
Jake: Yeah, I saw them. They were in our car in the garage having sex. It's the whole reason I can't have sex in cars in garages.
Amy: That's a very specific sexual hang-up. I mean, has it really held you back?
Jake: Well, are we having sex in car in a garage right now?
Amy: No.
Jake: So, yeah, big time it's held me back.

Amy: Oh, look, the guards are leaving their post.
Jake: Looks like they're coming here to help you.
David Santiago: Jake, you should go now.
Jake: Are you sure?
Amy: Yes, I'm "fone."
Jake: Oh, well, as long as you're "fone."

Jake: Yeah, try and spread the word that you've got a connect on the outside that gives you access to contrabands: cigarettes, burner phones-
Amy: Pornography.
Jake: Amy, women don't watch-They do?
Charles: Mm. Oh, yeah.
Jake: Oh, wow. Mm-hmm. Huh. Well, that's an exciting revelation for me.

Jake: Yeah, and guys, this isn't one of those women's prisons that we've all seen being all sexy on late-night cable. You know, with the ladies touching each other's bits, and there's kind of some lame jazz playing. When these chicks fight, it's for real. So be mature.
Captain Holt: Peralta is gross, but correct.

Caleb: You know what? There was some weird guy on the forum recently.
Charles: The forum?
Caleb: Yeah, it's a chat room for people who like to talk about eating human beings but definitely won't act on it. Wink. Yeah, it's hosted on-
All: Reddit.

Amy: Let's go back to New York. You can choose the music.
Jake: Just put on anything by Enya. No, not anything. "Orinoco Flow." On repeat.

Captain Holt: Look, I wanted to say I'm sorry.
Amy: Yeah? Maybe find someone who gives a hoot. Try an owl cage.
Jake: Oh, honey, I love you, but not your best.

Captain Holt: So, [sighs] after you and Robert fought-
Philip Davidson: Talked.
Captain Holt: You left the office, but you didn't take your car?
Philip Davidson: I went to a bar, The Scotchman. I didn't want to drive drunk, so I took a cab.
Captain Holt: And you didn't have your phone?
Philip Davidson: I left it charging in my office and I didn't realize till I was already out of the building.
Jake: Oh, man, if I go ten minutes without looking at my phone, my pumpkin crop dies on my little farm.
Captain Holt: This is not the time for stories about your digital squash, Peralta.

Jake: All right, gents, Pimento's bachelor party is tomorrow night. I've gotten us a party bus, reservations at a delightful steakhouse, and a DVD copy of "American Beauty" to watch at midnight. That last thing was his only request. I'm not sure if it's his favorite movie or if he's just never seen it.

Rosa: He thinks we're rushing into things, but we're not. I love Adrian. Every time I see him, my heart just explodes.
Jake: Wow, that's, like, some Lionel Ritchie-grade love stuff.

Scully: Jake, a word, please.
Jake: What?
Scully: I don't know. Everybody else got to go outside.
Jake: Get back on the bus!