Jake: Wait a minute. He's got a pulse. No, wait. That's my pulse. No. It's his pulse. Nope, it's both our pulses. He's alive! I'm alive! We're all alive! This case just got busted wide open.

Amy: It was the coldest night of the year, and you put socks on my feet while I slept. You never even took credit for it.
[present:]
Jake: But now I'm getting credit for that and for not taking credit. That's double credit, you fool.

Sergeant Jeffords: Come on, man. Use your muscles.
Jake: Use my muscles? Oh, great. Why didn't I think about that? Great advice, Terry.

Jake: You're right. I'm 100% in the wrong. The truth is, I'm the one that's not tough enough to be in here. I mean, watching the woman I love, unarmed, locked up with all these murderers. It's just too much for me.

Amy: Should we talk about what happens if they somehow find you guilty?
Jake: That's not happening. But what we should talk about is how we're gonna celebrate when I win. I'm thinking we take a trip to Paris or London, Rome, anywhere Jason Bourne has driven a car down some stairs.
Amy: Paris sounds fun. Or we could just go somewhere we could actually afford.
Jake: Oh, we can afford it. Don't forget I robbed a bank. I'm sitting on $26 million, baby!
Judge Marinovich: Excuse me?
Amy: Oh! He's just kidding.
Jake: Yeah, I'm innocent. You'll see when we get in there. Nice talking to you, Judge.

Sergeant Jeffords: Guys, if those two aren't here, I'm thinking we must be in the wrong place.
Jake: No, trust me, we're definitely in the right place. I'm 100% sure about this.
Scully: Well, guess who solved the puzzle?
Hitchcock: Who?
Scully: We did.
Hitchcock: Oh, we did?
Jake: Yeah, we're in the wrong place.

Rosa: Wait. Where's Captain Holt? Where's Amy?
Gina: Yeah, she should be the first one here. Doesn't she go to, like, an adult puzzle camp every summer?
Jake: Yes, but please don't bring that up. I've been throwing out her mailers.

Sergeant Jeffords: Dude's a criminal. People don't change.
Jake: Ever heard of Bruce Banner, the Incredible Hulk? You might want to talk to his shirts and pants about people not changing.

Jake: You know, I wish I was like Charles. He's a good cop and an honest person, and when we go on stakeouts, we do listen to Toni Braxton and it's super sad and it's awesome.

Jake: But you know what's not cool? Our Vic ordered his dinner from House of Lettuce. There's no way this guy knew he was gonna die. No one would want lettuce as their last meal. For example, my last meal is gon'st to be Sour Straws.
Rosa: You just keep those in your pocket?
Jake: We face death every day. I gotta be prepared to go out on my own terms.

Sergeant Jeffords: Peralta, there was a botched B & E at a jewelry store on Atlantic that just turned into a hostage situation. They want you to be the negotiator.
Jake: Oh, my God, my prayers have finally been answered.
Rosa: You prayed for a hostage situation?
Jake: Yes, I did. Every single day.

Charles: Did you see those tears? No way he did it.
Jake: Are you serious? Anyone can fake cry. You just have to think of something sad. Like that episode of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles when Leonardo was in a coma.
Charles: And that works?
Jake: Yeah. Yeah, it does.

Jake: Yeah, and guys, this isn't one of those women's prisons that we've all seen being all sexy on late-night cable. You know, with the ladies touching each other's bits, and there's kind of some lame jazz playing. When these chicks fight, it's for real. So be mature.
Captain Holt: Peralta is gross, but correct.

Jake: Okay so the women's gym and the cocaine have given Debbie super powers. Cool. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.

Jake: We need a new plan.
Amy: And I've got one. I need to step to her.
Jake: Step to her? Amy, this isn't "High School Musical".
Charles: Yeah, Amy, this isn't "High School Musical 2".
Jake: Yeah, and it isn't "High School Musical 3: Senior Year".
Amy: All right.
Jake: Point is, it's not a high school musical.
Charles: That's right.
Amy: I got it.