Quote from the episode Bureau
Jake: Wait a minute. He's got a pulse. No, wait. That's my pulse. No. It's his pulse. Nope, it's both our pulses. He's alive! I'm alive! We're all alive! This case just got busted wide open.
Quote from the episode Bureau
Sergeant Jeffords: Come on, man. Use your muscles.
Jake: Use my muscles? Oh, great. Why didn't I think about that? Great advice, Terry.
Quote from the episode Maximum Security
Jake: You're right. I'm 100% in the wrong. The truth is, I'm the one that's not tough enough to be in here. I mean, watching the woman I love, unarmed, locked up with all these murderers. It's just too much for me.
Quote from the episode The Slaughterhouse
Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: You tank the operation, and you put one of my men out of commission. I am this close to suspending the both of you.
Jake: Almost looked like your fingers were actually touching.
Quote from the episode Crime & Punishment
Samuel Miller: Prosecution claims you stole $26 million, but they can't trace that money to you in any way.
Jake: Yeah, I have negative $73 in my bank account. Ba-boom!
Amy: I'm somehow embarrassed and proud of you at the same time.
Jake: Yeah, that's my sweet spot.
Quote from the episode Maximum Security
Sergeant Jeffords: Guys, if those two aren't here, I'm thinking we must be in the wrong place.
Jake: No, trust me, we're definitely in the right place. I'm 100% sure about this.
Scully: Well, guess who solved the puzzle?
Hitchcock: Who?
Scully: We did.
Hitchcock: Oh, we did?
Jake: Yeah, we're in the wrong place.
Quote from the episode Maximum Security
Rosa: Wait. Where's Captain Holt? Where's Amy?
Gina: Yeah, she should be the first one here. Doesn't she go to, like, an adult puzzle camp every summer?
Jake: Yes, but please don't bring that up. I've been throwing out her mailers.
Quote from the episode A Tale of Two Bandits
Sergeant Jeffords: Someone's using his signature move to steal cars, plugging in to the OBD port and reprogramming the immobilizer module.
Jake: That's Doug Judy's MO, but it's not him. He told me he went legit.
Sergeant Jeffords: That's what he told you last time too, before he screwed you over.
Jake: Yeah, but he returned the diamonds to me eventually, and it turned out that was the only way to get Giggle Pig off the streets. Wait, I may be confusing our adventures. What year was the cruise?
Quote from the episode The 9-8
Jake: You know, I wish I was like Charles. He's a good cop and an honest person, and when we go on stakeouts, we do listen to Toni Braxton and it's super sad and it's awesome.
Quote from the episode The Crime Scene
Jake: Hey, Rosa. Check it out. Triple digies! There's so much evidence, we hit triple digies.
Quote from the episode The Negotiation
Sergeant Jeffords: Peralta, there was a botched B & E at a jewelry store on Atlantic that just turned into a hostage situation. They want you to be the negotiator.
Jake: Oh, my God, my prayers have finally been answered.
Rosa: You prayed for a hostage situation?
Jake: Yes, I did. Every single day.
Quote from the episode The Crime Scene
Jake: But you know what's not cool? Our Vic ordered his dinner from House of Lettuce. There's no way this guy knew he was gonna die. No one would want lettuce as their last meal. For example, my last meal is gon'st to be Sour Straws.
Rosa: You just keep those in your pocket?
Jake: We face death every day. I gotta be prepared to go out on my own terms.
Quote from the episode Maximum Security
Jake: Yeah, and guys, this isn't one of those women's prisons that we've all seen being all sexy on late-night cable. You know, with the ladies touching each other's bits, and there's kind of some lame jazz playing. When these chicks fight, it's for real. So be mature.
Captain Holt: Peralta is gross, but correct.
Quote from the episode The Jimmy Jab Games II
Amy: Jake!
Jake: What is that?
Amy: Grab the top one and yank the bottom one!
Jake: Oh, thank God that's what you meant. Although, I'm open to whatever you wanna try.
Quote from the episode Maximum Security
Jake: We need a new plan.
Amy: And I've got one. I need to step to her.
Jake: Step to her? Amy, this isn't "High School Musical".
Charles: Yeah, Amy, this isn't "High School Musical 2".
Jake: Yeah, and it isn't "High School Musical 3: Senior Year".
Amy: All right.
Jake: Point is, it's not a high school musical.
Charles: That's right.
Amy: I got it.
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