Jake: Wait a minute. He's got a pulse. No, wait. That's my pulse. No. It's his pulse. Nope, it's both our pulses. He's alive! I'm alive! We're all alive! This case just got busted wide open.

Sergeant Jeffords: Come on, man. Use your muscles.
Jake: Use my muscles? Oh, great. Why didn't I think about that? Great advice, Terry.

Jake: You're right. I'm 100% in the wrong. The truth is, I'm the one that's not tough enough to be in here. I mean, watching the woman I love, unarmed, locked up with all these murderers. It's just too much for me.

Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: You tank the operation, and you put one of my men out of commission. I am this close to suspending the both of you.
Jake: Almost looked like your fingers were actually touching.

Samuel Miller: Prosecution claims you stole $26 million, but they can't trace that money to you in any way.
Jake: Yeah, I have negative $73 in my bank account. Ba-boom!
Amy: I'm somehow embarrassed and proud of you at the same time.
Jake: Yeah, that's my sweet spot.

Sergeant Jeffords: Guys, if those two aren't here, I'm thinking we must be in the wrong place.
Jake: No, trust me, we're definitely in the right place. I'm 100% sure about this.
Scully: Well, guess who solved the puzzle?
Hitchcock: Who?
Scully: We did.
Hitchcock: Oh, we did?
Jake: Yeah, we're in the wrong place.

Rosa: Wait. Where's Captain Holt? Where's Amy?
Gina: Yeah, she should be the first one here. Doesn't she go to, like, an adult puzzle camp every summer?
Jake: Yes, but please don't bring that up. I've been throwing out her mailers.

Sergeant Jeffords: Someone's using his signature move to steal cars, plugging in to the OBD port and reprogramming the immobilizer module.
Jake: That's Doug Judy's MO, but it's not him. He told me he went legit.
Sergeant Jeffords: That's what he told you last time too, before he screwed you over.
Jake: Yeah, but he returned the diamonds to me eventually, and it turned out that was the only way to get Giggle Pig off the streets. Wait, I may be confusing our adventures. What year was the cruise?

Jake: You know, I wish I was like Charles. He's a good cop and an honest person, and when we go on stakeouts, we do listen to Toni Braxton and it's super sad and it's awesome.

Jake: Hey, Rosa. Check it out. Triple digies! There's so much evidence, we hit triple digies.

Sergeant Jeffords: Peralta, there was a botched B & E at a jewelry store on Atlantic that just turned into a hostage situation. They want you to be the negotiator.
Jake: Oh, my God, my prayers have finally been answered.
Rosa: You prayed for a hostage situation?
Jake: Yes, I did. Every single day.

Jake: But you know what's not cool? Our Vic ordered his dinner from House of Lettuce. There's no way this guy knew he was gonna die. No one would want lettuce as their last meal. For example, my last meal is gon'st to be Sour Straws.
Rosa: You just keep those in your pocket?
Jake: We face death every day. I gotta be prepared to go out on my own terms.

Jake: Yeah, and guys, this isn't one of those women's prisons that we've all seen being all sexy on late-night cable. You know, with the ladies touching each other's bits, and there's kind of some lame jazz playing. When these chicks fight, it's for real. So be mature.
Captain Holt: Peralta is gross, but correct.

Amy: Jake!
Jake: What is that?
Amy: Grab the top one and yank the bottom one!
Jake: Oh, thank God that's what you meant. Although, I'm open to whatever you wanna try.

Jake: We need a new plan.
Amy: And I've got one. I need to step to her.
Jake: Step to her? Amy, this isn't "High School Musical".
Charles: Yeah, Amy, this isn't "High School Musical 2".
Jake: Yeah, and it isn't "High School Musical 3: Senior Year".
Amy: All right.
Jake: Point is, it's not a high school musical.
Charles: That's right.
Amy: I got it.