Jake: Wait a minute. He's got a pulse. No, wait. That's my pulse. No. It's his pulse. Nope, it's both our pulses. He's alive! I'm alive! We're all alive! This case just got busted wide open.

Captain Holt: We don't have that kind of money.
Jake: Don't worry. I still have a few tricks up my sleeve. The only thing I need you to do is-
Captain Holt: I'm not gonna show you my tattoo.
Jake: Come on, just give me a hint. Is it an antique boat? Is it a musket? Is it me on a dragon? ... Sir, is it me on a dragon?!

Captain Holt: (After Jake completes a pull-up) Good job. Can you do it without screaming?
Jake: Pro-bab-ly.

Jake: Okay so the women's gym and the cocaine have given Debbie super powers. Cool. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.

Charles: Did you see those tears? No way he did it.
Jake: Are you serious? Anyone can fake cry. You just have to think of something sad. Like that episode of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles when Leonardo was in a coma.
Charles: And that works?
Jake: Yeah. Yeah, it does.

Jake: And my mom thinks she knows all the worst things that my dad did, but she has no idea. She doesn't even know that he cheated on her with her best friend, Sheila Bodden.
Amy: Oh, my God.
Jake: Yeah, I saw them. They were in our car in the garage having sex. It's the whole reason I can't have sex in cars in garages.
Amy: That's a very specific sexual hang-up. I mean, has it really held you back?
Jake: Well, are we having sex in car in a garage right now?
Amy: No.
Jake: So, yeah, big time it's held me back.

Jake: Okay, fine, I'll be Amy. Just know everything I'm about to say, I say with love. [exhales sharply] Okay. I'm outside. It's 78 degrees and yet somehow I'm still cold. Better walk on the sunny side of the street. Wait, did I remember to put on sunscreen? Pause to think, pause to think. Yes, I did put on sunscreen, and I bragged about it all morning. Amy's on the move. And I'm walking, I'm walking.

Jake: Yeah, try and spread the word that you've got a connect on the outside that gives you access to contrabands: cigarettes, burner phones-
Amy: Pornography.
Jake: Amy, women don't watch-They do?
Charles: Mm. Oh, yeah.
Jake: Oh, wow. Mm-hmm. Huh. Well, that's an exciting revelation for me.

Jake: Yeah, and guys, this isn't one of those women's prisons that we've all seen being all sexy on late-night cable. You know, with the ladies touching each other's bits, and there's kind of some lame jazz playing. When these chicks fight, it's for real. So be mature.
Captain Holt: Peralta is gross, but correct.

Captain Holt: We're just listening from afar. Do we really need to be in disguise?
Jake: Yes, Carmine. Yes, we do. Oh, I forgot to tell you. Your cover is Carmine Frunch. You have emphysema, and your best friend is your pet bird.
Captain Holt: I'm not sure I like this persona.
Jake: Well, if you make it too cool, it's not believable. By the way, my name is Jackson Fox. I'm an NBA player, and LeBron James is my best friend.

Jake: See? When the Nine-Nine puts our brains together, we can achieve anything.
Hey, we should team up and rob banks for real!
Judge Marinovich: You should stop talking in the hallway.
Jake: Yep, copy that. Nice to see you.

Captain Holt: So, [sighs] after you and Robert fought-
Philip Davidson: Talked.
Captain Holt: You left the office, but you didn't take your car?
Philip Davidson: I went to a bar, The Scotchman. I didn't want to drive drunk, so I took a cab.
Captain Holt: And you didn't have your phone?
Philip Davidson: I left it charging in my office and I didn't realize till I was already out of the building.
Jake: Oh, man, if I go ten minutes without looking at my phone, my pumpkin crop dies on my little farm.
Captain Holt: This is not the time for stories about your digital squash, Peralta.

Jake: All right, gents, Pimento's bachelor party is tomorrow night. I've gotten us a party bus, reservations at a delightful steakhouse, and a DVD copy of "American Beauty" to watch at midnight. That last thing was his only request. I'm not sure if it's his favorite movie or if he's just never seen it.

Rosa: He thinks we're rushing into things, but we're not. I love Adrian. Every time I see him, my heart just explodes.
Jake: Wow, that's, like, some Lionel Ritchie-grade love stuff.

Scully: Jake, a word, please.
Jake: What?
Scully: I don't know. Everybody else got to go outside.
Jake: Get back on the bus!