Charles: Santiago, I know that you hate Halloween, but stick with me, and I promise you, you will love it.
Amy: Can you magically make everyone kind, sober, and fully dressed?
Jake: "Kind, sober and fully dressed." Good news, everyone. We found the name of Santiago's sex tape!

Jake: "Uh-oh, hope it doesn't get too sexual." Title of your sex tape. But seriously, what is taking so long. Also the title of your sex tape.

Charles: What is all this?
Amy: You know how I think Halloween is for jerks? Well, this Halloween, I was the jerk. I'm sorry about tonight.
Jake: "I'm sorry about tonight." We found the title for Santiago's follow-up sex tape!

Charles: This is happening. Jake and Amy are getting married tonight. Title of my sex tape!
Jake: What?

Jake: My friends, I have a proclamation to bestow upon ye.
Sergeant Jeffords: Why are you talking like that?
Charles: And why'd you have us come in here? Is this about the tickets?
Jake: It is indeed about said tickets, and said proclamation about said tickets is in fact...
Sergeant Jeffords: Jake, just tell us. No one is liking this.
Charles: I'm loving it. You sound so smart.
Jake: Oh, thank you, my loyal subject Charles. Now, as you know, this decision has been quite hard upon me... title of mine sex tape... but I have made it at long last, and it is my decree that the recipient shall be... Both of you.
Charles: What? Did you talk to Mikey J. and get more tickets?
Jake: Indeed I did not, but it is my decision that I will cut all of said tickets in twain.

Captain Julie Kim: [o.s.] Hello?
Captain Holt: She's coming. Hide.
Jake: Title of your sex tape? In here.

Jake: Can you please give me a ride?
Amy: Fine. I'll get my stuff, but this better not bite me in the ass.
Jake: "Better not bite me in the ass" is the name of your sex tape. But seriously, thank you so much for your help.

Seamus Murphy: So, Peralta, what do you have to say for yourself?
Jake: The whole NYPD knows where you are, and they're coming for you right now.
Seamus Murphy: Okay, thanks for the tip. Let's kill them both, get out of here before the cops come.
Jake: Wait, no, no, no, I was lying about the back-up. I came alone - title of my sex tape.

Jake: Come on, Terry. Let's just see what the plan is. Charles, what are we doing?
Charles: I don't know anything about it. But why don't we take this map and this sextant and chart a course to the restaurant?
Captain Holt: Title of your sex-tant tape.
Jake: Ah, did not work at all, but I love that you attempted it. Title of your sex-tant tape.

Jake: Hey, so listen, the thing I said to you before I went undercover, about how I wished something had happened between us romantically, that wasn't nothing. That was real.
Amy: What are you saying?
Jake: I know that you're with Teddy. I'm not trying to change that. And I get there's stuff I can't control. But this morning I told you that I didn't mean any of it, and that was a lie. I just don't want to hold anything back.
Amy: Well, thank you for saying that. Just as long as we're clear I'm with someone and nothing is going to happen.
Jake: "I'm with someone and nothing is going to happen." Name of your sex tape!
Amy: He's back.

Amy: I'm horrible at this. When can we stop?
Jake: I'm horrible at this-
Amy: I know, I know. Title of my sex tape.
Jake: Huh. Well done. Title of my sex tape.

Jake: So, we broke a rule.
Amy: Yeah. Hope it wasn't a mistake.
Jake: "Hope it wasn't a mistake." Title of your sex tape. Oh! Title of our sex tape!

Sergeant Jeffords: Look, we all miss Jake and Rosa, which is why we have to keep working the case. There has to be some way to exonerate them.
Amy: I've been looking, but I can't find anything, and I don't know what to do.
Jake: "I can't find anything and I don't know what to do": title of your sex tape.

Charles: I can't. I'm in so much debt. I took out a loan for the truck. I got Amy to invest. No, the only way out of this hole is to keep digging.
Jake: That's not how holes work. Title of your sex tape.

Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: Oh, and one more thing. They're guilty.
Jake: No, we are not.
Judge Marinovich: Please don't address the jury, Mr. Peralta.
Jake: But, but, but-
Judge Marinovich: One more "but," and you will be in contempt.
Jake: [quietly] "One more 'but' and you're in contempt," name of your sex tape.

Dillman: So now I'd like to move on to a real suspect. I wanna see detective Diaz in the box.
Charles: [gasps]
Jake: What... don't gasp for him. What are you doing?
Charles: I'm sorry. It just slipped out.
Rosa: Title of your sex tape.
Jake: Yeah, it's... obviously it's the title of his sex tape. Everyone's taking my stuff.

Charles: So you think he killed her and dumped her body in the park?
Jake: Sounds like couples counseling is going really great for them.
Charles: Sorry, my partner doesn't believe in therapy.
Dr. Frederick Tate: Oh, that's fine. It's hard for some people.
Jake: Title of your sex tape.

Dr. Oliver Cox: Okay, so whoever did this, they weren't careful with the organs. They just sorta grabbed whatever and yanked.
Charles: Title of your sex tape. Oh, that's just something we say back at the Nine-Nine.
Dr. Oliver Cox: Interesting, 'cause around here sex tape is what we call the adhesive you use to reattach a severed penis.
Charles: Oh, I'll have to pick some of that up.
Jake: Why?

Captain Holt: Show me the tip.
Jake: [whispers] Title of your sex tape.

Rosa: Wait, what is going on? We have the plaque.
Amy: Yeah, I just got it out of the vent to rub it in your faces.
Jake: "I Just Got It Out of the Vent to Rub It in Your Faces" Name of your sex tape. What?

Jake: Oh, my God. Okay, so yes, fine, there's a bit of a trend. But we're not cursed. You and I are good. I bet you could even fix things up with your dad.
Roger Peralta: The Admiral? I always hoped that I could reconcile things with him one day, but he's not going to let that happen. What can I tell you? We're not meant to have sons. There's a demon in our genes.
Jake: Title of your sex tape.
Roger Peralta: No, the title of my sex tape is "Cockpit Larry and the Mile High Stewardae."
Jake: What?
Roger Peralta: "Stewardae." It's plural for stewardess.

Amy: I'm so confused I don't know what's happening right now.
Jake: "I'm so confused I don't know what's happening right now," title of your sex tape.
Amy: Oh, my God, I'm shaking. I'm definitely gonna cry. Title of your sex tape.

Amy: Why doesn't your mouth work?
Jake: "Why doesn't your mouth work" - title of our sex tape.
Amy: What?
Jake: Your sex tape. What? No!

Scully: Look at this bread. It's completely inedible. There's not even any soft parts in the middle we can pull out.
Jake: Title of your sex tape?

Amy: Hey, what's up? I came as fast as I could.
Jake: Title of your sex tape. Nailed it.

Jake: Ah, good morning, Captain Holt. You're looking refreshed.
Captain Holt: Interesting. I didn't sleep a wink. Let's just say Kevin no longer has me in the guest room.
Jake: Nice. My two dads, straight smashin' it. Sorry, that came out weird. Title of your sex tape.

Captain Holt: And, Jake, before we go, I need to admit one more thing.
Jake: Of course, anything.
Captain Holt: When I made you tell that table that you were living in your mother's basement, it wasn't for the case. I was just messing with you.
Jake: Oh, well played, sir. But the joke's on you. My mother has a fantastic basement. Title of your sex tape. Too soon? All right, let's go.