Jake: So, pretty crazy how you took out that Latvian mob guy back there.
Charles: I know, I felt like a superhero, like the Hulk's mom.
Jake: Why the mom?

Sergeant Jeffords: I hate that we lose to those pasty-assed mole people every year.
Captain Holt: Oh, there's no point in mincing your words. They're knaves!
Gina: Captain, you kiss Kevin with that mouth?
Captain Holt: You bet I do. And tonight, I'm gonna sing with it. We're taking down the MTA.

Charles: Hey there, jokers. I got a joke for you: What did one Estonian farmer say to the other? Our crop yields are so much smaller than that of mighty Latvia.

Charles: Come on, focus, Jake.My boy's happiness is at stake. I mean, read the email Genevieve just sent me. Skip the part about her bra.
Jake: Impossible, it's in all caps, bolded. Oh, here we go: "Nik-Nik is so excited you're getting him Captain Latvia." And then there's a photo of him karate chopping a cat.
Charles: Oh, yeah, that's Captain Latvia's move, the Riga Hammer. You hit a guy here, he goes down instantly.
Jake: Sounds a little far-fetched.
Charles: Okay, well, tell that to Captain Latvia's enemies. Oh, wait, you can't ... because they're unconscious.

Nikolaj Boyle: It's a police man, just like you, Papa. This is the coolest present ever. "I'm Detective Papa, and I'm going to go to the Farmers Market.
I hope they have aged Gouda."

Charles: See, all Boyle men are blessed with a flat ass, which is perfect for scooching.

Jake: Charles, stop scooching.
Charles: I am going to scooch. You don't tell me when to scooch.
Jake: I can't get by. Curse my beautiful bubble butt.

Jake: Did you unbutton another button?
Charles: Eyes up here, Jake. So, did you learn anything, or were you just staring at my body the whole time?

Jake: Hey there, Nikolaj, my man. How you doing?
Nikolaj Boyle: Hi, Jake, we made Daddy Latvian Christmas cookies. Want one?
Jake: You bet I do.
Genevieve: The potato really brings out the vinegar.
Jake: Neither of those are cookie things. I'm just gonna put that back.

Captain Holt: I assumed you've climbed out of your rat tunnels to taunt us about tonight's charity caroling competition.

Jake: Trust me, it's gonna be fine.
Charles: Really? 'Cause you said that about Die Hard 5, Jake.
Jake: Oh. It's not gonna be fine.

Charles: And I'm sorry I said you'll never be a dad. You will be, and you can make it happen tonight. Just go to Amy and make sure afterwards that she holds her knees to her chest for at least-
Jake: All right, I think I'm good on this.

Rosa: I'm out too. I mean, if we're just gonna be humiliated, I don't s- Wait, shut up.
Amy: Did you just tell yourself to shut up?
Rosa: Yeah, now you shut up too. Listen.

Melvin: Look, there's a Latvian gang, okay, the Gals Skepu. They smuggle guns in containers that come from Latvia. Sometimes there's other packages that get lost in the process, okay? If you want to find yours, you gotta find them.
Jake: Gun-running gangsters, huh?
Charles: Well, looks like we're gonna take down the Latvian mob.
Jake: Hell yeah, we are. [Jake smashes a mug, then screams] Is it bleeding?
Charles: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Jake: Charles, is it bleeding?
Charles: Thanks, Melvin.
Jake: [whimpering] I want a Band-Aid.

Scully: Come on, guys. Getting back at people isn't what Christmas is all about. It's about being together, as a family. So you can plot your petty revenge, but I, for one, am gonna carol my heart out.
Rosa: I'm sorry, I didn't hear a word you just said. That stain on your pants looks exactly like Bryan Cranston.
Amy: That's who it is.
Captain Holt: Ooh, that's right.
Rosa: Yeah, been staring at it for an hour.
Sergeant Jeffords: That's it.

Gina: "Hamilton" was amazing! How is no one talking about this musical? It's so good. Wow, you guys look more upset than Aaron Burr, sir. That's from the musical "Hamilton," which I just discovered, basically.

Jake: Thank you for joining me for what promises to be the diggity-dopest tree lighting in the history of the Nine-Nine.
Captain Holt: I don't understand. Where's the tree?
Charles: It was inside us all along. Brilliant, Jake.
Jake: No, Charles, not everything was inside of us all along.

Sergeant Jeffords: What the hell happened out there, Patrick?
Patrick: I'm really sorry. There were so many people. I-I got stage fright.
Amy: I don't get it. You had no problem singing in front of the entire precinct.
Patrick: I was drunk. Alcohol gives me the courage to sing.
Rosa: And the courage to pee on snow people.

Charles: Now find me something I could use.
Jake: Never thought I'd have to say "a please would be nice," but okay. Oh, here we go. There are a bunch of messages about a warehouse in Crown Heights.
Charles: Crown Heights, that's where we're going.
Jake: Hey, Charles, that was a yellow light!
Charles: I proceeded with caution.

Amy: Maybe we just need to practice more. I, for one, felt like I was a teeny bit off.
Captain Holt: Don't fool yourself, Santiago. You were the most off of everyone.

Amy: It's getting really big. What size tree did you get?
Jake: It's a jumbo.
Sergeant Jeffords: It says it's ten meters tall.
Captain Holt: That's roughly 32.81 feet.

Jake: Melvin's import is in Queens. Let's just go there right now.
Charles: Oh, so they could just walk all over me in person instead of on the phone? Face it, Jake, I'm weak.
Jake: What? Don't talk like that. You're very strong, all right? And you're a parent now, which makes you even stronger. I mean, think about all those moms who literally lift buses off their kids every day.
Charles: Oh, so you're saying I should tap into my mommy strength.
Jake: Yeah, or daddy strength, but whatever.
Charles: Right, time to put some daddy into my mommy.
Jake: Gotta be a better way to phrase that, let's go.

Jake: Well, Terry's trapped in the break room forever. Only thing we can do now is move on with our lives. It's what Terry would've wanted.

Jake: What? No, Charles, you're driving.
Charles: Ugh. 1234? Nope. 5555? Damn it.
Jake: Stop. If you keep getting it wrong, we're gonna get locked out forever.
Charles: That's a risk I have to take. Boom, did it, 5683. Fifth most common pass code this year. It spells-
Jake: Fart.
Charles: Love.
Jake: Yep, love.

Charles: Oh, my God, I'm melting. I'm literally turning into a puddle. Genevieve, hold me.
Genevieve: I got you, babe. Oh, honey, that flat ass is perched right on top of my ute.
Jake: I'm gonna pretend none of that was said for the sake of the child.

Nikolaj Boyle: Papa promised me the best present ever, a Captain Latvia action figure!
Jake: Whoa, Captain Latvia? What's his superpower? Can he talk to moose?
Genevieve: No, possums.
Jake: Worse.

Jake: Ah, the Boyles are here. Good tidings. Genevieve, hello, you're looking-
Charles: Sexy as a minx.
Jake: I was gonna say "festive," due to the scarf.
Charles: The bra underneath is insane.
Genevieve: It is.
Jake: Okay. Parenthood has not changed you two.

Charles: Flattery will get you everywhere, Jake. Follow me. I figure we got 15 minutes before the pheromones wear off, and she realizes I took the key. I was spraying 'em like a skunk out there.
Jake: Ugh.

Jake: Weird, but I did find out who the manager is, and I'm almost positive she's got a key to the back office on her right now. Her name is Svetlana.
Charles: Thanks. I'll take it from here.
Jake: Wait, Charles, she doesn't speak any English, and we don't wanna blow our cover. Do you speak any Latvian?
Charles: Well, I learned a few phrases for Nikolaj, but I'm not gonna use words with Svetlana.
Jake: Don't say you're gonna use your musk.
Charles: I'm gonna use my musk.
Jake: Okay.

Sergeant Jeffords: I can't believe you're even considering this, Captain. The guy's a criminal.
Rosa: Barely. It was public intoxication. All he did was pee on a couple snowmen. And one regular man.
Captain Holt: Plus, it'll count toward his community service. In a certain way, we'll be furthering the cause of justice.
Sergeant Jeffords: Santiago, breaking the rules makes you all sweaty. You can't be okay with this.
Amy: These pits are bone-dry. The drunk sings.
Captain Holt: The drunk sings.

Genevieve: It's a very difficult toy to get in America, so I was worried when Charles told Nikolaj he would get him one. I said, keep it a surprise, so you don't build up his expectations, but Charles said, "No way, I want to build expectations-"
Charles: Well, we all remember the conversation. Well, work time for Daddy. I'll see you guys later.

Captain Holt: That was horrible.
Hitchcock: Because I didn't get a chance to rap. Pop, pop, droppin' bodies It's a stickup you punk a-
Captain Holt: No, Hitchcock, there's no rapping. You've grossly misread the situation.

Charles: Doesn't matter. I'm going in there, and no one can stop me.
*Jake sneaks up behind Boyle and karate chops the back of his neck*
Jake: The Riga Hammer. It works.

Jake: Wow, Boyle, you got more moves than Bobby Fischer who I saw a documentary about last week.

Jake: We should go. We've been here too long. This is getting dangerous.
Charles: Well, danger is my maiden name.
Jake: Middle name.

Charles: Ugh, where am I? [WINCES] Why the hell am I wearing pants?
Jake: Oh, I put 'em back on you after I Riga Hammered you.
Charles: [GASPS]
Jake: Yeah, it works. Insane.

Captain Holt: Thank you for allowing us to return. Turns out there wasn't a bomb.
It was a clock made by an over-achieving minority student. What a world we live in.

Jake: Why are you acting this way?
Charles: 'Cause I made a promise to my son. You can't understand 'cause you're not a father. You never will be.
Jake: Hey, yes, I will!
Charles: When, Jake? We're all waiting.
Jake: What are we even arguing about now?
Charles: It's about me saving Christmas, duh. Oh, damn it, my pants are snagged.
Jake: Ha-hah! Now you have to wait for backup.
Charles: No, I don't. I'm gonna shimmy them off.
Jake: Oh, God, the eye contact is the worst part.
Charles: Ah. I told you, Jake. I'll do anything to perk up my little man.
Jake: You gotta know how gross that sounds in your underwear.

Jake: Also, great chest hair.
Charles: Ah, Genevieve calls it "the plume of Boyle".
Jake: Aww, that's so yucky.

Gina: That's enough. Sure, we're untrained. Yes, our voices sound like garbage, and, yes, the MTA has a huge head start on us, and it's embarrassing. But you know what? We're the Nine-Nine. And nothing can stand in our way.
Sergeant Jeffords: She's right. We're gonna beat their butts tonight.
Gina: Oh, tonight? Tonight, tonight? Yeah, I can't. I have "Hamilton" tickets.

Charles: Now wrap me in your arms, I need body heat.
Jake: All right. [sighs] And you're nestling.

Gina: Who are these golden-throated dorks?

Charles: Christmas is gonna suck. I don't have the present.
Jake: What? But you promised Nikolaj.
Charles: I ordered it a month ago from a Latvian toy store, and it still hasn't arrived yet. The shipping company is giving me the runaround.
Jake: All right, so just get him a different present, like a Jet Ski or a hammer. I don't know what kids are into.

Jake: So, you excited for Christmas, bud?
Nikolaj Boyle: Yeah, I'm so excited.
Genevieve: This is Nikolaj's first Christmas because the orphanage kept cancelling it. Once it was blizzards, one it was fires, and once it was-
Nikolaj Boyle: Famine.
Genevieve: That's right, famine.

*After Sarge breaks through the glass window of the break room to escape the inflatable Christmas tree*
Jake: God bless us, every one?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah!
All: Yeah!

Captain Holt: It's a pretty juicy crowd out there. Okay, everyone, remember your role. Patrick, solos. Scully, mouth percussion. Rosa, mouth percussion. Amy, silent mouth percussion-
Amy: I can't even mouth percuss?
Captain Holt: No. Terry, mouth percussion. Hitchcock stay backstage.

Sergeant Jeffords: Are you serious, Santiago? That is ethically questionable.
[phone chimes] Ugh. It's a bus pooping on a police car. Let's beat those bastards.

Jake: Oh look, I couldn't let you go in there solo. I'm sorry, I feel terrible for saving your life.
Charles: Enough of your dumb apologies, Jake.

Jake: No, Charles, you know what I realized when I saw you standing over there in your underwear?
Charles: That my butt is like a sexy piece of drywall?
Jake: What? No, eww.

Charles: Jake, what happened?
Jake: Well, we arrested 12 guys, confiscated 35 automatic weapons, and I found Captain Latvia.
Charles: You did? Oh, my God!
Jake: Uh, melted. I found him extremely melted. And grotesque. Probably should've strung that together faster.

Nikolaj Boyle: They're really bad singers, Papa.
Charles: Yes, they are. They're horrible.

Scully: Guys, personally, I think we should go out there and just sing our best. Caroling isn't about competing. It's about having fun together.
Captain Holt: Well, now that you put it that way, Scully, it makes me realize Rosa and Terry are right. I say we quit the competition and hurl projectiles at the MTA.

Sergeant Jeffords: I hate to say this, but I think we should withdraw from the competition.
Rosa: Smart, then we can sit in the audience and throw batteries at those MTA-holes.

Charles: Genevieve and I worked so hard to get Nikolaj to trust us when we brought him home. That's gonna be destroyed, the way dry rot destroyed his orphanage.

Captain Holt: The question on the table is, do we add a velvet-voiced drunkard to our caroling group, or do we lose miserably like a bunch of miserable losers? I say we do it, and I'm the boss. Therefore, meeting adjourned.

Amy: Sir, say something.
Captain Holt: I'm sorry, but there's been a police emergency. There's a bomb.
[crowd murmurs] Not here, far away, but they still need us. So Merry Christmas. And don't think about the bomb. Bye.
Hitchcock: That sounded great.
Sergeant Jeffords: Not now, Hitchcock.

Charles: Hey, is there anything on that tablet that will lead us to his toy?
Jake: I don't know, it's locked, but don't worry. Our tech guys will get it open in no time.
Charles: Pssh, I don't have time for those dorks.
Jake: What? But you love Ted and Craig. You fly kites with them every weekend.
Charles: They're good guys. Give me the damn tablet!

Captain Holt: We cannot let this stand. But there's no way we can beat them. What do we do?
Hitchcock: My rapping's still on the table.
Captain Holt: It's not even in the dining room.

Charles: Hey, you Melvin?
Melvin: I am, who are you?
Charles: I'm Charles, from being on hold, and I want my package.
Melvin: Yeah, I already told you, that package isn't here.
Charles: Well, I made a sacred promise to my son, and you're not gonna make a liar out of me, so why don't you take another look? We'll wait. 'Cause we've got all night long. [Charles picks up Melvin's mug and smashes it in his hand]
Jake: Damn.
Charles: Oh, I don't know if you knew this, but I'm a cop. So maybe this time, don't lie to me.
Melvin: Hey, I didn't know you guys were police.
Charles: Well, now you do, genius. [Charles smashes another mug]
Jake: How do you keep doing that?
Charles: I don't know.

Jake: I got nothing. No shipping records, no addresses, nothing about illegal guns, and nothing about Captain Latvia.
Charles: Well, they're obviously not gonna broadcast what they did with Captain Latvia. They're not fools.

Amy: Yeah, well, it looks like the only train in here, is the train.
Sergeant Jeffords: Tell him, Amy.
Amy: Train, training, training wheels.
Sergeant Jeffords: You're circling, find it, find it.
Amy: Wheels! You are wheels.
Sergeant Jeffords: Nope.

Sergeant Jeffords: Those MTA jerks just texted us a GIF of a cartoon subway train mooning a cop. They sent it from the stage.

Amy: What's up, y'all? Guess who just saved your asses? That's right. Miss Not Good Enough To Audibly Percuss.
Rosa: Who?
Amy: Me! I saved the flipping day. Got Patrick drunk, listen.
Patrick: (bellowing) I can sing!

Captain Holt: Once again, the MTA has bested us. We should never have trusted a Hoboken drunk.

Jake: Okay, the door is guarded by the mob. You wanna figure out our plan?
Charles: Already did. Mommy's gonna talk her way in.

Amy: We lost the caroling competition.
Sergeant Jeffords: And now we hate singing.
Rosa: Almost as much as we hate the MTA.
Captain Holt: Yeah, so we should prank call their tip line with a series of well-crafted insults.
Sergeant Jeffords: We should toilet paper their houses.
Rosa: With rocks.

Jake: Hey, do you think this shirt is offensive? I'm just not sure how it fits into my ensemble.

Rosa: Our angel's a criminal.
Captain Holt: And our angel is drunk.
Hitchcock: Ha, ha, ha. The angel puked.

Jake: Behold, the greatest inflatable tree that 'Murica has to offer. And now, in the immortal words of Saint Nick, turn on the compressor.