Amy: Captain Holt? This can't be real. Someone please see him before I punch myself in the face.

Sergeant Jeffords: Fine! I'm not better. These nibs are just too damn delicious.
Charles: I don't think the nibs being too yummy is the problem.
I think right now, there's too much on your plate - metaphor intended.

Jake: Okay, slayer. Prepare to go to jail for oolong time.
Captain Holt: Now say "punk."
Jake: Punk.
Captain Holt: Punk!
Jake: I said it.

Captain Holt: Thank you, Peralta.
Jake: What are you thanking me for? You're the one who showed up and stopped him from shooting me in my beautiful face.
Captain Holt: No, for giving me one last chance to be a real cop before going back to a lifetime of PR drivel.
Jake: Sir, we just caught a serial killer.
I've wanted this since I was four years old.
Captain Holt: That's troubling.

Rosa: Hiring him to play his own party is straight-up brilliant.
Amy: Yep, because everything he does is a prank on himself.
Rosa: Wow, you're an evil genius. Next time I want to hurt someone, I'm coming straight to you.
Amy: Aw, that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.

Charles: Sarge, I know you have every right to be stressed out.
A new kid on the way, Sharon's on bed rest, global warming-
Sergeant Jeffords: This preamble is making me nibby. Get to the point.

Sergeant Jeffords: I'm Terry Jeffords, and when I put my mind to something, I do it. My resting heart rate is six. Six!

Jake: Wait a minute, I think I just figured something out. I got to go.
Gina: Aren't you forgetting something?
*Jake gives Gina a kiss on the forehead*
Gina: Uh no, pay your bill! Damn, who raised you?

Rosa: Your hard work just paid off.
Amy: The vulture is in a band? "Fantastic Jack and the Junkyard Rats."
Rosa: Just when I thought he couldn't be any more the worst, he out the worsts himself.

Jake: Pardon me. Did one of you order the hot plate of justice
Captain Holt: Peralta, what are you doing here?
Jake: Saving New York City from a maniacal-
Customer: Um, excuse me? Are those my eggs?
Jake: You kind of interrupted an incredible moment, but here, take that.

Captain Holt: Gina, did you know about this?
Gina: Uh, tricking you was the only way I could get you to talk to him. Plus, you know I heart intrigue.

The Vulture: You were working a case. I freaking knew it. You're a liar.
Madeline Wuntch: And you. You can't do anything except disobey orders and screw up.
Bob: I'm disappointed, too.
Madeline Wuntch: No one cares, Bob.

Madeline Wuntch: And after all your so-called detective work, you didn't even get the right guy.
Raymond, Raymond, Raymond-
Captain Holt: It was an error, but-
Madeline Wuntch: Do not interrupt me.
Raymond, Raymond, Raymond, Raymond.
Seven times, once for every day your juicy, insubordinate ass is suspended.
The Vulture: Same goes for you, Peralta. Except for the juicy ass part, because your ass is stupid.

Jake: I am straight-up depressed. Amy's been doing her best to cheer me up. She gave me this sticker this morning just for waking up.
Gina: Ew, it's like you're dating your teacher.
Jake: I know, it's so hot.

Jake: Meanwhile, Holt won't even talk to me.
How is he, by the way?
Gina: Honestly, terrible. I've only heard from him once this week, and that was to tell me he'd finally come up with a new, non-threatening term for task forces.
Ya'll ready for this? "Do groups".
Jake: Wow, that sucks tremendously.