Charles: Hey, hey dum-dum. What are you thinking? Introducing Amy to her celebrity crush? Are you insane?
Jake: Relax, Charles. It's not a crush, it's her nerdy crossword puzzling hero. I mean, the guy's got to be a massive dork. His name is Melvin Stermley, for God's sake.
Amy: Jake, he's here. Come meet Melvin.
Vin Stermley: Hey, you can call me Vin.
Jake: But, where is nerd?

Sergeant Jeffords: Fine. We'll do a drawing for it. But until then, no one touches it.
Hitchcock: Oops, too late. I left a ranch handprint on the windshield.

Rosa: Wait, who are you assigning this car to, Sarge?
Sergeant Jeffords: Um, I was actually thinking I'd get this one.
Hitchcock: Seriously?
Rosa: You suck.
Sergeant Jeffords: Whoa, the heater in my detective car hasn't worked in two years. I don't have enough body fat to keep warm. Terry's sick of shivering.

Rosa: Okay, just seems a little selfish to keep it for yourself when your detectives, who you took an oath to protect, are stuck driving their crappy old cars.
Sergeant Jeffords: Mine's the oldest.
Scully: I've never felt so abandoned. And I was actually abandoned. They found me in a swamp.

Captain Holt: Fine, fine, tell me everything.
Gina: All right, have a seat. It's Gina time. Say hello to your compe-tish. Bryan McCann, John Kelly, and John Kelly. Yes, that's right, there are two John Kellys.
Captain Holt: How are these not the same man?
Gina: You should see their wives. Or should I say, wife.
Captain Holt: Good God!

Gina: Anyhoobs, I wanted to remind you about the commissioner candidate meet and greet, and your presentation to the selection committee. Being that I am your campaign manager-
Captain Holt: You are not.

Amy: What's going on, Jake?
Jake: In one week, you will officially become a sergeant. Which means this case will be the last one we ever work together as detectives, so it has to be perfect. I present to you a serial arson case.
Amy: Mm-hmm.
Jake: And the fires seem to be connected to the Saturday crossword puzzle.
Amy: Mama like.
Jake: Two different buildings, two consecutive Saturdays, and a puzzle left at each crime scene, and a note was sent to the puzzle's author, Mr.
Melvin Stermley.
Amy: Melvin Stermley? He's the best in the game! He made a puzzle once where all the answers were just the word "puzzle" in different languages. In Estonian, it was moistatus.
Jake: Yeah, well, your moistatus is about to be hecka moist - Don't call HR, we are getting married - because Melvin Stermley is coming in to help us with the case!
Amy: Sha-wing!

Jake: Amy Santiago, put down that melon, for you are about to feast your eyes on one of the most delicious cases in the NYPD. I don't like the personality I've chosen here.
Charles: I do. You sound like Caesar Flickerman welcoming new "Hunger Games" tributes to the Quarter Quell.

Captain Holt: Do you know what their speeches are about?
Gina: I do. "Staying the course". "Maintaining the course", and "Blazing a path to a new future". I'm kidding, it's "Remaining on the course".
Captain Holt: Unbelievable, none of these men have any interest in advancing the NYPD.
Gina: That's right, because they're dinosaurs. But do you know what kills dinosaurs?
Captain Holt: Asteroids?
Gina: No. You-steroids. You are going to kill these dinosaurs.

Gina: I did a little sleuthing on your rivals. You want me to spill the beans?
Captain Holt: Why would you ever intentionally spill beans? They're one of nature's most densely packed protein sources, and they remain unsullied by flavor.

Gina: Hey, I was going through your calendar for some reason.
Captain Holt: It's your job.
Gina: Right.

Amy: I don't know if there's going to be a dork dance. I mean, look how small that envelope is. That's not a big, good news envelope. That's a little, bad news envelope.
Jake: What? That's nuts. Sarge, tell her envelope size doesn't matter.
Sergeant Jeffords: If I'm being honest, I got a much bigger envelope.
Amy: Oh, God.
Jake: Unhelpful, Terry. Very unhelpful.
Captain Holt: Mine was bigger, too.

Amy: Okay. I just won't ever open it. That way, I'll never get rejected.
Jake: Fine, I'll open it.
Amy: No! [grabs Jake's hand]
Jake: [bone cracking sound] Oh, whoa! Do it harder!

Captain Holt: Santiago, your test results from the sergeant's exam have arrived.
Jake: Ooh, everybody make room. Amy needs adequate space to do her signature dork dance.

Rosa: I opened it. You passed.
Amy: [gasps] Oh, my God. I'm going to be a sergeant.
Jake: You're going to be a sergeant!
Captain Holt: Yes!
Amy: [doing her "dork dance"] Oh, no, it's happening. Whoo! Yeah!
Jake: That's my future wife! So...