Amy: Right, but the only thing I don't get is why they would handcuff you for vaping.
Kate Peralta: Because they're the worst!
Jake: Yeah, Amy, 'cause they're the worst.
Kate Peralta: Also, I slapped a stewardess, real hard. With my fist.
Jake: Oh. So they were not the worst.

Jake: It's so crazy that we're finally meeting each other. So just forget about the plane. That's ancient history.
Kate Peralta: Really?
Jake: Yes. This trip was about us getting to know each other, so let's do that.
Kate Peralta: Okay.
Jake: What's your favorite scene in "Die Hard"?
Kate Peralta: Die what?
Jake: It's okay.
Amy: It's okay.

Jake: Okay, that is nothing. The one parent-teacher conference my dad went to, he had sex with my teacher on top of the diorama I made of the first Thanksgiving.
Amy: Oh, no, he ruined all your hard work.
Jake: Oh, not really, it was just a bunch of Smurfs on a plate.

Kate Peralta: He came to visit once, and hooked up with my mom's entire book club. She can't see a copy of "A Prayer For Owen Meany" without fully weeping.

Kate Peralta: Anyway, that's my boring life in Dallas. But I'm here now, and I want to see the real New York. Let's like-
Amy: Walk across the Brooklyn Bridge?
Kate Peralta: Get tanked at the Times Square Olive Garden. And get our pictures taken with a human statue.
Amy: Right. The real New York.

Rosa: What do you want?
Gina: To find you love.
Rosa: Ugh.
Gina: Come on! Check it out: Dannika, 34. The only female trader-
Rosa: Pass. Finance people are the worst.

Jake: Look, she's a survivor. She's had a really hard life. And I thought it bad 'cause I would only see my dad for like an afternoon once a year, but compared to her, I was a real DJ Tanner. "Full House". Her dad was always around.
Amy: Yeah, I've seen "Full House".

Sergeant Jeffords: Time to go home. Oh, no. Terry can't move. Terry needs help.

Kate Peralta: Well, 55 minutes in the shower and that silver paint - will not come off.
Jake: Gross.

Jake: Right. Wait, I've got it. The only reason Kate wants to move here is because Kurt dumped her, but what if we can get him to take her back? Then she would definitely want to stay in Dallas!
Amy: Ooh, that's smart, but what if he's a rational person and he doesn't want to be with her anymore?
Jake: Not a problem. I found his Facebook page. He just posted a black and white photo of a dead flower with the hashtags "my heart," "Kate forever" and "love is dead.
Amy: He misses her for some reason.

Jake: Amy, this is it. He clearly already wants to get back together. All we have to do is convince him to fly here.
Amy: Jake, this might work.
Jake: Yes! But are we actually gonna do this? Are we really going to fly a man to New York City just to ensure that my new sister doesn't move here?
Kate Peralta: Hey, Amy, do you have a morning-after pill I could bomb? I will get you back.
Amy: Use. My. Miles.

Kate Peralta: Why are we going home? We haven't even done the "Sex and the City" tour. Oh, my gosh, I am such a "that one who fell through the sidewalk hole".
Jake: Yeah, you totally are.

Jake: Kate, you didn't tell us how handsome Kurt is. I love your ... jean shorts.

Jake: You're not good enough for my sister. I didn't realize you were this tall. Kurt. She's not going anywhere with you. Take your jean shorts and the butt that's in them and get out of my apartment.

Kate Peralta: So you were trying to get rid of me?
Jake: I mean, yeah, kinda. But I also just told off Kurt for being a jerk to you, so who's to say which thing we should focus on?