Sergeant Jeffords: No, we won't. Help me get this paint off.
Jake: Okay, put your hands out and I'll squirt you with a little makeup remover. Hi-ya.
Sergeant Jeffords: No. You're betraying me again? Why?
Jake: Because of the banner.
Sergeant Jeffords: But I thought you said our friendship was more important.
Jake: Yeah, that was obviously a lie. The banner was very expensive! I don't have a lot of money, Sarge. All right, bye. Don't make a lot of noise.

Rosa: Howdy. I just got back from lunch with Charles, who is not here. I am real glad I skipped the heist. Say, who is winning?
Jake: I don't know, but I know that I am not winning.
Captain Holt: Interesting, it is also not me.
Amy: Uh, why are you guys acting so weird?
Jake: Gah, weird? Would a person who is acting weird laugh like this? A huh-huh huh-ha, carefree.
Amy: Yes.

Sergeant Jeffords: Jake!
Jake: Oh, Terry, you ripped yourself free.
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, maybe you should try cuffing me to a stronger metal next time.
Jake: Yeah, I don't know the relative strength of metals.

Amy: What's going on? Why does Terry look like an Oscar?
Jake: Doesn't he?

Jake: Okay, this is official getting hard to track. Who has the bracelet now?
Captain Holt: Santiago.
Amy: Yeah. And no of you are getting it.
Jake: We'll see about that.
Amy: [TASER CRACKLING] [GROANS] What the hell?
Jake: Remember that very fancy Swiss pen I got you for Christmas, the one that you keep in your pocket at all times? It's a taser, bro.
Amy: [BEEPING] Uuugh.
Jake: I'll take that. Amy, do not make me tase you again.
Amy: No, no, no, no, don't. I'm pregnant.
Jake: What?
Amy: I just found out. It's a girl.
Jake: Oh, my God.
Charles: Oh my God, it's happening. Quick, someone get a reaction video of me becoming an uncle!

Amy: Room 410 is this way. Okay, we got him here with one minute to spare.
Jake: Yes. I knew we could make it. All right, Sarge. You ready to go in there and ace this thing?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, I can't believe it, I'm gonna be a pilot.

Jake: Continue with your story, Sarge.
Sergeant Jeffords: I knew you'd suggest a heist as a distraction from my Lieutenant exam, then all I had to do was sit back and watch as everyone took things way too far.
Amy: But how'd you know we'd get so out of hand?
Sergeant Jeffords: I spent the last six months sowing the seeds of conflict.

Captain Holt: Don't apologize to him, Terry. It's his first heist. He needs to learn. Keep going.

Sergeant Jeffords: Well, after I got everyone acting like maniacs, all I had to do was make you feel bad by "knocking myself out."
Jake: The banner. But how did you learn my voice command?
Sergeant Jeffords: I didn't have to. I sold you the damn thing.
Jake: No.

Jake: I spent $1,800 on that thing.
Amy: You did?
Jake: Amy, stop interrupting. Terry's doing his big speech.

Dr. Oliver Cox: Anyway, most of the killer's incisions are very sloppy but then once he gets to the heart they become very careful. I mean, look at the vena cava. That's a clean cut. Game recognize game.
Jake: Hmm. I like your style, Doctor Cox.

John Kelly: Listen, you know what would help you catch this guy? I just launched a new app, HotClues. Are you familiar with it?
Captain Holt: The one that allows civilians to submit anonymous tips directly to the NYPD? Yes, I'm familiar with HotClues.
John Kelly: Great. You know, it's actually helped us solve 17 cases, so I think we should ask for the public's help with this one.
Captain Holt: No, study after study has shown that soliciting anonymous tips results in false leads and wrongful convictions.
John Kelly: Hmm. Tell me how you really feel.
Captain Holt: I did.
John Kelly: And I loved it. Such passion.

Sergeant Jeffords: So I found out where they're transferring me. And, you know, I'm feeling pretty good about it.
Rosa: Oh. Somewhere nice? Upper West Side?
Sergeant Jeffords: No, even better. Staten Island.
Rosa: [bursts out laughing] Good one, Loot. Where you really going?
Sergeant Jeffords: No, I'm serious. Staten.
Rosa: Wait, they're transferring you out of New York?
Sergeant Jeffords: It's part of the City!
Amy: Is it, though?

Captain Holt: Look, if you can't solve this case, I'll reassign it to someone who can.
Jake: Wait, no, no, no, no, no. I have an idea. We need to get into the mind of a sicko. And the only way to do that is with the help of another sicko.

Caleb: Jake. It's so good to see you! Come give me a hug, I'm not going to eat you. Also, don't hug me 'cause I will try to eat you.