Charles: Oh, Jake, I can't believe you're leaving. I mean, it's not the Nine-Nine without you.
Jake: I know, but Rosa's already gone and Holt and Amy are moving on too.
Charles: Is that why you're doing this? To fit in with that crowd?

Captain Holt: You want to know if it's real? Open your gift and find out.
Sergeant Jeffords: A bag of fish?
Captain Holt: What? No. It's supposed to be your captain's bars.
Jake: The fish are my present to Scully. They're the kind that eat the dead skin off your feet.
Scully: Ooh, they're gonna have a feast tonight.

Jake: Hey, great news, the perfect goodbye is back on and we have a new teammate.
Amy: Really? What even is "our team?" Because I know you gave me a dummy tube.
Jake: Ah, and did you find what was inside of it?
Amy: Yeah, an egg.
Jake: And do you know why I gave you an egg?
Amy: 'Cause eggs suck and you're still mad about that one time I beat you at Mario Kart?
Jake: It was beginner's luck! Just... open it.
Amy: A necklace with a little binder on it?
Jake: It has three tiny tabs. One for me, one for you, and one for Mac.
Amy: Aw! It really bothers me that they're not alphabetical but I assume that it's functional and I can correct them?
Jake: It is and you can.
Amy: Then I love it and I'll treasure it forever. Now tell me where the real tube is, you bastard!

Captain Holt: But wait, if that's not Terry's bars, what's in the real tube? Wireless headphones?
Amy: They're AirPods. They're my gift for everyone.
Jake: What? But you told me not to get people AirPods! You said everyone already has headphones!
Amy: Yeah, so you wouldn't buy them and I would get all the glory.
Scully: Wow. Great gift, Amy.
Jake: Come on!

Jake: Look, whether we work together or not, we're always gonna be best friends and partners.
Charles: Right. Life partners.
Jake: Best friends.

Jake: Okay, according to the tracker it's close. Let's just agree that we're gonna pick it up and head to the Brooklyn Bridge.
Amy: Yeah, I agree. That you can suck it! We will end up at Shaw's, which is actually a meaningful final location. [tires screech, horn honks]
Sergeant Jeffords: Are we too late? Did you get the tube?
Jake: No, it's somewhere in this building. Brooklyn Storage Solutions.
Amy: Wait a second.
Charles: I know this place.
Jake: Yes, this is where we worked our first case with Captain Holt.
Captain Holt: That's right, it's a meaningful location. Tonight is my victory lap. I planned the perfect goodbye.
Jake: You have gotta be kidding me.

Rosa: Anyway, with nobody watching me, I was able to figure out what Holt was up to and then I had my other partner intercept Cheddar.
Sergeant Jeffords: Who was that?
Bill: It's me, Bill.
Gina: Thurprithe reveal.

Jake: Amy, Amy, we've got a problem. Charles found out I was leaving somehow and he got so upset that he ran away. I don't know where he went and he's not answering his phone.
Amy: Don't you have a tracker implanted in his brain or something?
Jake: Amy, I would never do that. It's a serious medical procedure. Which is why I had a doctor do it eight years ago when they were operating on the bullet wounds in Charles' butt.
Amy: Smart, stick it in his butt holes.
Jake: Oh, I was expecting more judgment from you. And definitely a different phrasing.

Jake: Hello? Hello? Is there anyone here? Mlepnos?
Mlepnos: No.
Jake: What? Yeah. You played violin at my wedding. You're Mlepnos!
Mlepnos: No, my name is Jerry. Jerry Barfralatistan.
Jake: What? It doesn't matter. I need your help. Can you please hand me the keys that are down there?
Mlepnos: Yeah, yeah, yes. Thank you, I love keys.
Jake: Oh...
Mlepnos: And this is for you. [soft chirping]
Jake: What?
Mlepnos: As they say in my country, a chicky for a key.
Jake: Right. And what country is that again?
Mlepnos: Honolulu.
Jake: Okay. You know, if it's all the same, I'd really just rather have the key.
Mlepnos: You no want chicky? I don't want key.
Jake: Oh, perfect. Yes! Thank you, Mlepnos.
Mlepnos: No, it's Jerry... Barkakanatsan.
Jake: I feel like maybe you said it a little different the first time.

Rosa: So, my plan was simple. The best way to win is to sit back, watch everyone else, and then choose your moment. But to do that, I needed people to think I was gone.
Gina: It's a trick she learned from me. [lisping] During the fourth heist, universally considered the best heist.
Rosa: You were so eager to think I'd drop everything and chase after Adrian.
Amy: So you don't want to end up with Pimento?
Rosa: No, but you believed it because you all think for someone to be happy, their story has to end with marriage and kids.
Amy: I mean, I believed it because you told me and I trust you.
Rosa: Whatever, breeder.

Jake: [sighs] Well, I guess this is it. So long, Nine-Nine. [turns off lights]
Janitor: Hey!
Sergeant Jeffords: What are you doing? You can't turn off the lights at a working police precinct!
Jake: Right, sorry. Got caught up in my own thing. There we go.

Captain Holt: Are you sure he came back to the precinct? The tracker must be broken. There's no one here.
Hitchcock: Wrong, Captain! I'm here. Michael Hitchcock, the Grand Champion of the Nine-Nine.
Charles: Hitchcock?
Jake: Well, this doesn't feel right.

Rosa: All right, who has the real tube?
Bill: I do. [shutters close] [all shouting at once]
Charles: What are you doing, Bill?
Bill: [o.s.] I'm sorry, but this is your fault for ending the heists.They're my only source of income. You're still my best friends. Goodbye!
Jake: Bill!

Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, Boyle, I'm glad you're sticking around. I'm gonna be depending on you a lot.
Charles: You got it, Captain, for diet and exercise tips.
Sergeant Jeffords: What? No. To solve cases. My body's fine.
Charles: Nice, that's a very healthy attitude.

Jake: Wait, no. No, no, no. This... this isn't really happening. I'm dreaming. And because this is a dream, I'm in control. You know who's gonna walk through that door right now? Bruce Willis.
Teddy: [enters] Jake, you woke up!
Jake: No! Teddy? Amy, why is your ex-boyfriend here?
Teddy: Oh, you haven't told him yet, babe?
Amy: Uh.
Jake: Babe? He called you babe. What's going on?
Amy: I'm sorry, I know this is a lot.
Jake: No.
Amy: But the last seven years have been really hard. Raising Mac on my own, never knowing if you would wake up, and Teddy was a great friend to me. And a couple years ago, we went on a trip.
Teddy: It's not her fault. We were both seduced by the city of Tampa.
Jake: I can't believe this. You replaced me with Teddy?
Teddy: I could never replace you, Jake. I just wanted Mac to have a father figure in his life. I come over and we watch sports. We are obsessed with college swimming.
Jake: Hey, doc, can you put me back in the coma?
Dr. Midj: You're agitated, that's normal. Tell me how you're feeling. Pain?
Jake: I mean, just the pain of learning that my wife is married to another man.
Teddy: Oh, we're not married. I'm just here for Amy physically.
Jake: That's worse!