Captain Holt: It's over now. He can't hurt me or Kevin. Thank you, for titting my tat.
Jake: Well, thank you for tatting my tit.

Captain Holt: Oh, here she is. I guess you don't have time to take off those ridiculous suspenders.
Sergeant Jeffords: What?

Captain Holt: There's one thing I still don't understand. Did you know you had the wrong murder weapon?
Jake: Ah, excellent question, sir. Yes. I spotted the missing dental award when I first took the case. I asked around weeks ago. Turns out a cleaning lady knocked it over and shattered it.
Captain Holt: Then why did you run in there like that?
Jake: Because in talking to you, I realized what Philip's worst fear actually was: that we would think he was just some dummy that got lucky.
Captain Holt: Right. He had planned the perfect crime. And it killed him when you said he was sloppy and impulsive.
Jake: He needed us to know how smart he was.
Captain Holt: Right. Like someone else I know.
Jake: Yup. Kevin.
Captain Holt: [snorts] [both laugh] I'm proud of you, Peralta.
Jake: Thank you, sir.

Captain Holt: Then watch me chew, Gina. I'm a creature of the past. I'm a dinosaur.

Sergeant Jeffords: If we can figure out where he's going to be at the end of the night, we don't have to do any of his dumb puzzles.
Captain Holt: Right. Instead, we can spend the next six hours eating and drinking and talking about how we lost our V cards.

Captain Holt: Don't worry about me. I've seen you do enough of these harebrained schemes to know how to play along. If Charles asks what's wrong, I'll just put on a quaint smile and say, [high-pitched] "Nothing".
Jake: Amazing. That is actually perfect.

Charles: Now we get to the best part. Steaks and shots!
Jake: Ohh, more meat and alcohol.
Charles: "More?" What does that mean?
Together: Uhh...
Captain Holt: [high-pitched] Nothing?

Captain Holt: Fine, I was trying something, and it didn't work!

Captain Holt: Okay, before we get going, Sgt. Jeffords has suggested that it would improve morale if we started the meeting with some consensual non-work jabber.
Sergeant Jeffords: I just said it might be nice if you checked in on the squad's personal lives every now and then.
Captain Holt: Exactly, jabber.

Captain Holt: Look, I get that you're worried about your own mortality. Perhaps this fact will comfort you. As an NYPD officer, you're more likely to be crushed by scaffolding than to die on the job.
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, God. This is a city of scaffolding!
Captain Holt: No, no, Sergeant, I was only trying to point out that there are millions of potential ways to die. Do you know how common choking is?
Sergeant Jeffords: What are you doing, man?

Captain Holt: What's going on? Why are you fighting?
Hitchcock: Well, he punched me in the nuts, so I punched him in the nuts, so he punched me in the nuts, so I punched him in the nuts.
Captain Holt: But why? You still haven't told me why.

Captain Holt: Want to be a hero? You want to actually get something done? Your friends and colleagues right here are struggling, and they need you.
Jake: I did everything I could. I tried to distract me and Charles all day long, and it didn't work.
Captain Holt: They don't need to be distracted. They need someone to help them face their fears and deal with the reality of the situation.
Jake: Okay, great. So why don't you do it?
Captain Holt: I tried, but it didn't work. I'm not particularly skilled at emotional jabber.

Gina: Did you read the email? Are you the commissioner?
Captain Holt: I haven't opened it yet.
Gina: What?
Captain Holt: Today is Peralta and Santiago's wedding. I don't want to make it all about me.
Gina: So you're scared to open it?
Captain Holt: Don't be absurd. I simply want everyone to focus on the bride and groom, and not on whether my lifelong dream, which I spent decades working towards, has collapsed in front of my eyes, leaving me untethered in this world and unsure of my very future with the NYPD.

Jake: How did you get here so fast?
Captain Holt: You were walking. I was power-walking. [cut to] Roll heel, ball, toe roll heel, ball, toe.

Jake: What is this all about? I've been staying away from you; I got a job.
I'm trying to make the best of it, just like you said.
Captain Holt: Well, don't bother. Making the best of it sucks. I want to go home. This town is a crap circus.