Charles: [attempting to impersonate Holt eating a marshmallow] Ooh, mm-hmm, mm-hmm-hmm-hmm!
Jake: That's your Holt impression?
Charles: I can hear him doing that.

Jake: Okay, so the neighbors say they haven't seen or heard any activity in the Buckleys' apartment, and- What is he doing here?
Charles: If we find James and he's unstable, Dr. Tate could talk him down.
Dr. Frederick Tate: Hello, Peralta.
Charles: Plus, on the ride over, he gave me a quickie.
Jake: A what?
Charles: A quick therapy session. We talked about so much. Did you know that I have a tendency to be unconsciously sexual?
Jake: Yes.
Charles: It's a real tough nut to bust.
Dr. Frederick Tate: Oh, you're doing it again.
Charles: Oh, okay, I think I hear it.
Jake: You think you hear it?

Charles: I'm just so sick of roller skating's dangerous image. We're not all bad boys.
Jake: Yeah, none.

Charles: I shouldn't have pushed for the fish ball machine. I should've just played it safe and gone for the fish cake machine.
Amy: So you don't think the fish part was the problem?
Charles: I don't.

Charles: If anything happens to Jake, I'll never forgive myself. My last words to him were, "No, you're the man."
Sergeant Jeffords: That actually sounds pretty nice, Boyle.
Charles: Nice isn't good enough, Sarge.

Captain Holt: Shh! It's a corn crake.
Kevin: Oh, no, I can't believe it. I finally spot a corn crake, and my eyes are swollen shut.
Jake: It's okay, Kevin. I'll describe it to you. Okay, have you ever seen a duck?
Captain Holt: Peralta, I got this.
Jake: Oh, okay.
Captain Holt: The beak color is Pantone 4685C.
Kevin: Mm.
Captain Holt: The wing is Pantone 2322C spotted with 4515C.
Kevin: Ooh.
Captain Holt: The tail is Pantone 7525C with bands of 419C.
Kevin: Oh, my, my.
Captain Holt: Oh, Kevin, the throat... Pantone 7528C.
Kevin: Oh, Raymond.
Jake: Those are some hot Pantones.

Charles: All these notes are from the same doctor.
Jake: Everyone got a blood test, and they all had mono. That seems really improbable.
Charles: Yeah, nobody gets mono at this age. You get it as an eight-year-old, and then you're immune.
Jake: Wait, you get it as an eight-year-old? Mono? The kissing disease?
Charles: No, it's the cousin's disease. You get it by kissing your cousins. Oh, I guess we're both right.
Jake: No.
Wait a minute... if you're immune, then you can tell the doctor you're from the Nine-Nine, and when he gives you a mono diagnosis...
Charles: We'll have proof that his notes are fake. [Jake snaps his fingers] Wow. I can't believe all those lazy childhood afternoons playing hide the yam finally paid off. [silence] You see, you take a yam...
Jake: I don't want to know!

Charles: My point is, I'm worried that Veronica will never forgive Terry. Is there anyone above her that you can appeal to?
Captain Holt: She reports to Deputy Commissioner Grayson. I've already tried to set up a meeting with him. He's on vacation with his family in the Poconos.
Charles: Okay, so maybe we find out where he's staying and just happen to run into him and accidentally strike up a little convo about the Nine-Nine.
Captain Holt: That seems rather underhanded.
Charles: Desperate times call for Desperate Housewives.
Captain Holt: What?
Charles: Measures. I said measures.

Jake: Here's what we're up to. Steal his kidney, burn down his house, replace his aloe tissues with regular tissues. Thank you, Charles.
Charles: You're welcome.
Jake: Leave a dead cat in his cedar closet. Note, he would have to own a cedar closet.
Rosa: He seems like he would.
Jake: Sneak into his apartment and burn popcorn in the microwave. Thank you, Charles. Uh, Scully asked for mashed potatoes, so I wrote that down. Well, I hate to say it, but I think, by default, Charles' motorcycle idea is the winner.
Charles: Yeah! Winning by default.

Jake: Wait, stop talking. I'm hearing something in the background. What is that, a train and a girl whimpering?
Charles: That's me; I'm so scared you're not gonna find me.

Captain Holt: Peralta, I have a case for you.
Jake: Uh, that's a no-can-do, sir.
Captain Holt: Excuse me?
Jake: Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to come across like a rabble-rouser. We're just simply unavail. We have a meeting at a new multi-agency, multi-state task force.
Charles: It's a double multi.
Jake: It's a multi-multi.
Charles: You're better at everything than I am.
Jake: Don't say that.
Charles: It is what it is.

Rosa: Black lights. What the hell?
Amy: Oh, my God. Our precinct is disgusting.
Charles: Dear God. Hitchcock and Scully's desk!

Charles: The Japanese make toilet seats which squirt a heated jet of water right up your-
Jake: I'm gonna stop you right there, bud.

Charles: Also I got this Flo-Tech performance polo with moisture-wicking technology. Kept me dry all morning. And a dry boy is a smart boy.
Amy: Ugh, he keeps saying that. Charles, you've gotten negative reactions from everyone who's heard it.
Charles: I needed to see what Jake thought.
Jake: Oh, I hated it.
Charles: Really? Ugh.

Gina: So things are going really good with the new roomie, it seems.
Charles: It's horrible. There's someone's blood all over the bathroom. He sleep-choked me twice. And the worst part this morning, he ate all of my cereal.
Gina: That's the worst part?
Charles: They were Nortfluskers bran circles! I had them shipped from Oslo.