Amy: What do you want, Jake?
Jake: What? Why would you assume that I want anything? What I want is to apologize to my girlfriend, who I hurt.
Amy: It's "whom."
Jake: Why does the word "who" even exist if you're not allowed to say it?

Jake: Okay, we need to make my main man Pimento look super murdered, like Tarantino disgusting murdered.

Jake: I can't see the tow-truck any more. Charles, how come you're so much slower than a car?

Jake: Great news, my friend. We have a bathroom pet. His name is Horace, and he's either a small rat or a large cockroach, and he's either sleeping or dead.

Captain Holt: Hmm, a poor winner. I never would have guessed.
Jake: Yeah, you would have.

Captain Holt: Hello, Peralta.
Jake: Ah, a human greeting. Nicely done.

Jake: I meant the money thing.
Gina: Oh. My first impression is that you have a debilitating spending problem.
Jake: Mmm-hmm.
Gina: You have six massage chairs.
Jake: Well, they don't make a massage couch.

Jake: RICO stands for Racketeering Investigative Cop Owesome.
Captain Holt: I have to ask. Do you think awesome beginst with an O?
Jake: Yes.

Jake: Well, well. If it isn't Captain Raymond Jacob Holt. Great to see you back at the Nine-Nine, sir.
Captain Holt: Yes.
Jake: There it is, that classic Jake/Holt banter. Zingers just flying around. It's like you never left.
Captain Holt: No, I most definitely left.

Jake: Well, looks like somebody's got a bad case of the funeral crankies.

Sergeant Jeffords: I just wanted to ask: If Sharon gets here before I'm back from Rikers, can you make sure she's comfortable? And also, um, keep Captain Holt away from her.
Jake: Really? Why?
Sergeant Jeffords: He's always weird around her and it stresses her out. She says he reminds her of those judgmental trees from Lord of the Rings.
Jake: (scoffs) They're called Ents. Get a life, dweeb.
Sergeant Jeffords: I don't care.
Jake: Okay.

Jake: Our objective is clear. Our parents will laugh, they will bond, and then when the time is right, our fathers will share a hug good-bye and it will be weird, but in the good way.
Amy: Oh, my God. What is that photo?
Jake: I did an image search for dad's hugging. I didn't have a lot of time to put this board together.

Jake: Now then, on the other side, we have the Peraltas: Karen and Roger. They are perfectly normal, no known flaws. All right, fine. My dad's a selfish drunken slut and my mom's a flighty weirdo.

Jake: Okay, the house is all clean. The wine is in the fridge. What is this pitcher of gray water?
Karen Peralta: I read an article that said when you wash vegetables, all the nutrients leech into the water and then you can drink it. They call it a super water.
Jake: Oh. Well, that's neat. I am gonna just hide it right over here.

Karen Peralta: Hola. Feliz Thanksgiving. Jake told me you were Cuban.
Jake: Yes, I did, and I regret it.