Jake: Okay, so where's this hitman, Judy?
Doug Judy: Look, I don't know who they sent, but he's on the boat. Check out this manifest. Somebody boarded in San Juan named Henry Coles.
Jake: Henry Street and Coles Street, that's the corner of your old chop shop in Brooklyn. This is an alias.
Doug Judy: Mm-hmm. And my porter buddy checked out Henry Coles' cabin, he hasn't been in it yet. He's hiding somewhere on this boat ready to jump out and kill me at any moment. Probably creepin' around in my closet.
Jake: Or stowed away in a lifeboat.
Doug Judy: Or hiding in a wall.
Jake: Or holed up in the engine room.
Doug Judy: Camouflaged in the shrubbery.
Jake: Predator style! No! We are not having fun. You will not suck me in with your wily charms.

Sergeant Jeffords: Did you clean your car?
Jake: I did, but it didn't really take, so I just rented a new one, but here's the best part: I printed out a sign especially for him using his favorite font, Garamond.
Sergeant Jeffords: Who has a favorite font?
Jake: The Santiagos do. All of them.

Jake: Okay, so it seems like they don't wanna get married. But is it even our place to say something?
Amy: No, right?
Jake: Right?
Amy: It's their decision, even if it's a bad one. They could always get divorced.
Jake: People love getting divorced! My parents got divorced, and all it did was scar our family for years and years.

Jake: Pimping out your kids? I hate to say this, but you two are acting like bad dads, and I should know. One time my father forgot to pick me up from school 'cause he was having sex with my best friend's mom.
Charles: Oh, my God. That's terrible.
Jake: Yeah. I was 15. I just walked to the mall and watched "Empire Records" by myself, but the point is, you're both acting ridiculous.

Jake: Ugh. Wario, why are you like this?

Amy: Thank you for doing this. I love you.
Jake: Noice. Smort. I love you too.

Jake: Also it probably goes without saying, but it's chill to whiz in this thing. I mean, I have been. You can if you want. I haven't been if you haven't. Have you? I haven't. Have you?

Jake: What's this case?
Amy: Oh, this isn't work. It's research on your mom since we're finally meeting. It's very thorough.
Jake: Just relax. She's gonna love you. You're both strong, accomplished women that have seen me naked.

Jake: All right, what I am about to say will make you very horny, but you have to try and remember that we're still at work. Do you want me to quiz you?
Amy: Oh, God, yes.
Jake: Wow.

Rosa: Listen to yourself. You're letting all of this cloud your judgment.
Jake: I love clouds; they keep the sun away on hot days.
Rosa: He doesn't want us to solve this crime, so he's buying us off. It's shady.
Jake: I love the shade; it keeps the sun away on hot days.

Jake: Okay, fine, I'll just leave you alone, then. I really quickly did want to introduce you to someone, though. This is Margo. She's a friend of Captain Kim's. And apparently she invented a new type of binder.
Amy: What?
Margo Hayes: "New type of binder" seems reductive. Would you call a car a new kind of horse?
Amy: No.
Margo Hayes: This is the future of organization.
Amy: Oh, my God. Tell me everything.
Jake: And you've been chaper-powned.
Amy: What?
Jake: Nothing. Love you. Binders.

Hitchcock: Ooh, and does this David have a sister?
Jake: Yes. Amy is his sister.
Hitchcock: And what's her deal?
Jake: You were at the wedding, Hitchcock.

Charles: Ah, Jake, I'm sorry you didn't get your perfect goodbye.
Jake: Yeah. This whole thing did kinda turn into a scalding hot mess. But to be honest, I think I just wanted a big dramatic moment so that I wouldn't feel sad. Because goodbyes are inherently sad. They mean that something's ending. And this one is especially sad because what we had was so great. But it's not all sad, right? We're moving on to things that we love. And we'll always have the memories of our times together, even though Hitchcock won the heist, which makes me so mad I wanna swallow my own tongue and die.
Captain Holt: It's a disgrace.
Jake: Anyways, I say we hang out, have a drink, and enjoy all of us being together one last time. To the squad.
All: To the squad.
Gina: You just drank cement! [all spit out]
Sergeant Jeffords: Why?

Jake: Yeah, and guys, this isn't one of those women's prisons that we've all seen being all sexy on late-night cable. You know, with the ladies touching each other's bits, and there's kind of some lame jazz playing. When these chicks fight, it's for real. So be mature.
Captain Holt: Peralta is gross, but correct.

Sergeant Jeffords: Guys, if those two aren't here, I'm thinking we must be in the wrong place.
Jake: No, trust me, we're definitely in the right place. I'm 100% sure about this.
Scully: Well, guess who solved the puzzle?
Hitchcock: Who?
Scully: We did.
Hitchcock: Oh, we did?
Jake: Yeah, we're in the wrong place.