Quote from the episode Bureau
Captain Holt: (After Jake completes a pull-up) Good job. Can you do it without screaming?
Jake: Pro-bab-ly.
Quote from the episode Ransom
Captain Holt: I need you to drop everything. Nothing in the world is important to me as this dog.
Jake: I wouldn't say nothing. For example, you and I are very close.
Captain Holt: We don't have time for this.
Jake: Okay.
Captain Holt: In kidnappings, the first 48 hours are the most crucial.
Jake: Right, and in dog years, that's only seven hours.
Kevin: Why would you say that? This is why everyone prefers that dog to you.
Jake: Everyone?
Quote from the episode Maximum Security
Jake: You're right. I'm 100% in the wrong. The truth is, I'm the one that's not tough enough to be in here. I mean, watching the woman I love, unarmed, locked up with all these murderers. It's just too much for me.
Quote from the episode The Slaughterhouse
Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: You tank the operation, and you put one of my men out of commission. I am this close to suspending the both of you.
Jake: Almost looked like your fingers were actually touching.
Quote from the episode Maximum Security
Jake: We need a new plan.
Amy: And I've got one. I need to step to her.
Jake: Step to her? Amy, this isn't "High School Musical".
Charles: Yeah, Amy, this isn't "High School Musical 2".
Jake: Yeah, and it isn't "High School Musical 3: Senior Year".
Amy: All right.
Jake: Point is, it's not a high school musical.
Charles: That's right.
Amy: I got it.
Quote from the episode The Box
Jake: Look, even if we were lying about having a witness-
Philip Davidson: Which you are. The neighbor's dead.
Jake: No, it could've been a squatter, or a hunter, or a squatting hunter. Not all hunters have homes.
Quote from the episode Maximum Security
Jake: Yeah, and guys, this isn't one of those women's prisons that we've all seen being all sexy on late-night cable. You know, with the ladies touching each other's bits, and there's kind of some lame jazz playing. When these chicks fight, it's for real. So be mature.
Captain Holt: Peralta is gross, but correct.
Quote from the episode Maximum Security
Sergeant Jeffords: Guys, if those two aren't here, I'm thinking we must be in the wrong place.
Jake: No, trust me, we're definitely in the right place. I'm 100% sure about this.
Scully: Well, guess who solved the puzzle?
Hitchcock: Who?
Scully: We did.
Hitchcock: Oh, we did?
Jake: Yeah, we're in the wrong place.
Quote from the episode Sicko
Caleb: You know what? There was some weird guy on the forum recently.
Charles: The forum?
Caleb: Yeah, it's a chat room for people who like to talk about eating human beings but definitely won't act on it. Wink. Yeah, it's hosted on-
All: Reddit.
Quote from the episode The 9-8
Jake: You know, I wish I was like Charles. He's a good cop and an honest person, and when we go on stakeouts, we do listen to Toni Braxton and it's super sad and it's awesome.
Quote from the episode Casecation
Amy: It was the coldest night of the year, and you put socks on my feet while I slept. You never even took credit for it.
[present:]
Jake: But now I'm getting credit for that and for not taking credit. That's double credit, you fool.
Quote from the episode The Last Day (Part 2)
Charles: Ah, Jake, I'm sorry you didn't get your perfect goodbye.
Jake: Yeah. This whole thing did kinda turn into a scalding hot mess. But to be honest, I think I just wanted a big dramatic moment so that I wouldn't feel sad. Because goodbyes are inherently sad. They mean that something's ending. And this one is especially sad because what we had was so great. But it's not all sad, right? We're moving on to things that we love. And we'll always have the memories of our times together, even though Hitchcock won the heist, which makes me so mad I wanna swallow my own tongue and die.
Captain Holt: It's a disgrace.
Jake: Anyways, I say we hang out, have a drink, and enjoy all of us being together one last time. To the squad.
All: To the squad.
Gina: You just drank cement! [all spit out]
Sergeant Jeffords: Why?
Quote from the episode Paranoia
Sergeant Jeffords: Listen up, everyone. While Captain Holt's out of town at his conference, I'm in charge, which means, Jake, I order you to throw out that gingerbread house. It's from Christmas.
Jake: Fine, but you're gonna be leaving a lot of ants with no home.
Quote from the episode Crime & Punishment
Amy: Should we talk about what happens if they somehow find you guilty?
Jake: That's not happening. But what we should talk about is how we're gonna celebrate when I win. I'm thinking we take a trip to Paris or London, Rome, anywhere Jason Bourne has driven a car down some stairs.
Amy: Paris sounds fun. Or we could just go somewhere we could actually afford.
Jake: Oh, we can afford it. Don't forget I robbed a bank. I'm sitting on $26 million, baby!
Judge Marinovich: Excuse me?
Amy: Oh! He's just kidding.
Jake: Yeah, I'm innocent. You'll see when we get in there. Nice talking to you, Judge.
Quote from the episode The Jimmy Jab Games II
Amy: Jake!
Jake: What is that?
Amy: Grab the top one and yank the bottom one!
Jake: Oh, thank God that's what you meant. Although, I'm open to whatever you wanna try.
Showing quotes 556 to 570 of 2,394. Sort by popularity | date added | episode