Sergeant Jeffords: Release your sweets!

Sergeant Jeffords: My own office. With walls!
Charles: Did you tell him Terry doesn't love walls?
Sergeant Jeffords: No, Terry loves walls.

Sergeant Jeffords: Look, this screw has three pointy sides, and nowhere to screw it in! And there's wheels. What kind of castle has wheels?!

Sergeant Jeffords: That's better than my excuse. I said I had to go to my girls' bat mitzvahs.

Captain Holt: Sergeant, please tell me this malfunctioning copier isn't gonna sink our precinct.
Sergeant Jeffords: I figured out how to turn it on, but the screen just shows a cartoon turtle sobbing.
Captain Holt: Perhaps it's a paper jam.
Sergeant Jeffords: And what about when the little sushi roll comes out and cuts the turtle's head off?
Captain Holt: Toner issue.
Sergeant Jeffords: Why?!

Teri: Excuse me?
Sergeant Jeffords: I said, "Terry's got butt for days!"
Teri: Please stop talking about my body.
Sergeant Jeffords: What?
Teri: I'm Teri. You just said I had "butt for days."
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, I see what just happened. Terry's gonna regret this.
Teri: Are you threatening me?
Sergeant Jeffords: No! No, no. This is a misunderstanding. My name is also Terry, and I was talking about my butt.
Teri: So you were complimenting your own body?
Sergeant Jeffords: Well, I'm pretty proud of it. Do you know how old I am?
Teri: Okay. Apology accepted. Seems pretty arrogant, though.
Captain Holt: This might not be the right time, but talking about yourself in the third person has finally-
Sergeant Jeffords: Terry knows!

Sergeant Jeffords: Everything's spoiled. My lunch is ruined. My chicken, my potatoes, pasta, my meatballs, ham, my yogurt.
Charles: Wow, that's a lot of yogurt.
Sergeant Jeffords: I love yogurt.

Amy: I asked the captain what qualified as a gift and he said anything I spend money on. Then I realized, my time is worth nothing.
Sergeant Jeffords: Sounds like you're bragging, but that's just a sad statement.

Sergeant Jeffords: My girls are on the waitlist for their preschool, and it's twice as tough to get in with twins.
Rosa: Why don't you just get one of them in, and let them take turns going to school every other day?
Sergeant Jeffords: Diaz, that's crazy. I asked my wife and she said no.

Charles: I don't mean to overstep here, but you're looking a little fat.
Oh, boy.
Sergeant Jeffords: How dare you? You can't comment on my body. This is a workplace. Now I'm feeling objectified by your male gaze.
Charles: Absolutely not. Sir, just listen.
Sergeant Jeffords: No, I don't want to listen, Boyle.
You are trying to shame me, and that will not fly.
Charles: Okay.
Sergeant Jeffords: Now I need some more nibs just to calm down.

Captain Holt: Are you ready for your first briefing?
Amy: Yes, I am fully prepared. I just wanna establish myself as a leader right away.
Sergeant Jeffords: Just be confident, deliberate and firm. You'll know you have their respect when you can take a moment [pours a cup of coffee] and still keep their attention.
Amy: Amazing.
Rosa: That was captivating as hell.

Sergeant Jeffords: He's crashing! Push 10 ccs of corticosteroids, plus prep an ER for surgical decompression! Look, I don't know what any of this means, but I feel like Sandra Oh.

Charles: Hey there, Nikolaj. It's your papa. If you're watching this, something bad has happened to me. But I want you to know that I love you very much.
Sergeant Jeffords: You want to stop filming yourself and help me with these many items I'm carrying?
Charles: Sorry, I was making a video for my son. You know, in case I never see him again. Do you not do that for your kids?
Sergeant Jeffords: Of course I do. I make those kind of videos all the time.You know, in fact, I was about to do one right now. Hey hey, girls. It's me, Daddy.
If you're seeing this, I'm dead. But I want you to know that I love you now and forever.
Charles: Okay, time for a lullaby, sung in your native Latvian. Ligo! Ligo! Ligo!
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, yeah, lullaby time. Look. Go to sleep, Daddy's dead But his ghost's always watching-

Sergeant Jeffords: You want me to flex and make all the buttons pop off of my shirt?
Jake: Yes! You can do that?
Sergeant Jeffords: The challenge is keeping the buttons on.

Charles: I got the squad to volunteer a little bit of their off time to help you and your family out.
I'll make dinner once a week. Everyone else volunteered babysitting time. And Hitchcock offered massage sessions for your wife.
Sergeant Jeffords: What?
Charles: So I pepper sprayed him.
Sergeant Jeffords: You're a good man, Charles.