Jake: What are you doing? You were gonna get promoted out of Missing Persons.
The Vulture: Your plan went to hell, tough guy. Wuntch she came to me with a much better one. Guess what she's giving me for betraying you? My dream job captain of the-
Jake: 69th precinct.
The Vulture: Bingo.

Madeline Wuntch: There's John Kelly. Twirl me into him, and I'll place the bug. Hello, John.
John Kelly: Right on time, Madeline. Did Raymond buy it? Did he think you were bonding?
Madeline Wuntch: He was smiling at me like an idiot.
Captain Holt: You've betrayed us, you coffin cave mold beetle!

Jake: Look, you're not gonna get away with this. You were a part of the whole thing.
The Vulture: First of all, Jake, there's no records that you and I teamed up together because you insisted that we only communicate through a beeper.
Jake: Stupid beepers. We're right to be addicted to our phones.
The Vulture: Eyewitness saw you. The DNA's all over the scene. And I caught you red-handed making a hostage video. Your [bleep] is cooked.
Jake: That's not a saying. It's "goose."
The Vulture: Who cares about a goose? I'm talking about cooking a penis.

Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: My name is Captain Jason Stentley. It's Friday night I think. There's no windows in here. This morning, I was kidnapped for real-
Jake: Stop.
Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: What? What was wrong with that?
Jake: You said you were kidnapped "for real."
Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: Well, I don't want people to think I was fake kidnapped. You know? I'm selling it.
Jake: Okay, let's just do it again. Say you were kidnapped and nothing else.
Amy: Now he's gonna add "nothing else."
Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: She's right.
Jake: Okay, fine, one more time. Take 12. Just say kidnapped.
Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: Okay. Kidnapped.

Jake: But he does have a point. Nothing bad is gonna happen to us.
The Vulture: Wrong! You turds are about to get flushed. Come on, Peralta. You're up first. Let's go.
Jake: Oh, cool. So, I'm the first turd to be flushed. Bye, you guys.

Amy: Does anyone have a good lawyer?
Hitchcock: I got a divorce guy, an alimony guy, a slip and fall guy, a pizza's too hot guy.

Charles: I can't go to prison. I couldn't even get through the scary parts of the musical, "Chicago."

Charles: I have an idea. So when my dad lost his flower shop, my Aunt Bruce-
Jake: Charles, we don't have time for a weird Boyle story right now. Just tell us your idea.
Charles: We make a scary hostage video where it looks like we're gonna kill C.J.
Jake: Ooh, I love that. Wait a minute. Your dad did that to save his flower shop? Was your aunt the hostage? What happened?
Charles: You said we didn't have time.
Jake: I didn't know it was the coolest story ever.
Charles: Oh, it is.
Jake: Well then, tell the whole thing and spare no detail.
Charles: Okay, so you know how Aunt Bruce can lactate on command?
Jake: Of course.
Amy: Guys.

Amy: Oh, wait. Before we decide Scully, what's your basement like?
Scully: Bunch of old Victorian wallpaper that came with the house. I tried to peel it off, but the wall underneath was covered with fingernail scratches.
Amy: Ooh.

Jake: That was our last obstacle, except for one other thing. I promised her that you would apologize for everything you've ever done to her.
Captain Holt: Including the Michelle Obama incident?
Jake: Yes, she mentioned that specifically. I'm very curious what happened there.
Captain Holt: Oh, it's nothing. But fine. I'm sorry, Madeline, for everything.
Jake: Hey.
Captain Holt: Especially for pushing you into Michelle Obama from behind and then running away.
Jake: What?
Amy: Sir!
Captain Holt: It was very funny.

Captain Holt: How do we get close enough without attracting attention?
Madeline Wuntch: Could dance. You must know some moves. You were mentioned by name in the "Monster Mash."

Jake: So, we can assume Kelly authorized stingray surveillance and we missed it, but if we ratchet up the pressure on him, we might get another chance.
Charles: How do we ratchet up pressure more than we already have?
Jake: By making him believe that the "kidnappers" are serious, and that C.J.
is in real danger.
Amy: Ooh, what if we send Kelly a severed finger in a box?
Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: No way! I need all my fingers. How else am I gonna do the hang ten sign?
Amy: Nobody's cutting off your fingers. I meant we would get one from the morgue.

Captain Holt: Fine, but on two conditions we stay at least 4 inches apart at all times, and you tuck your tail back into your pants so I don't trip on it.
Madeline Wuntch: Deal.

Jake: Hitchcock, can you top it?
Hitchcock: Mine has mother's hospital bed.
Amy: Okay, Scully?
Scully: I got this one red door I've never been able to open and I hear screams behind it sometimes. But it's probably just the wind.
Jake: Okay, that's actually too scary.

Jake: So we'll make a hostage video, but I don't think we should do it here. It's too nice. Do we know anyone with, like, a real creepy basement?
[cut to:]
Hitchcock: Yeah, it's just got one exposed light bulb and a couple of spent mattresses.
Jake: "Spent"? Oh, yeah. That sounds perfect.