Jake: I know Dean Allister humiliated us, but we can still have our revenge. I watched a ton of horny '80s comedies when I was a kid, and they're filled with ways of getting back at mean deans. So we are gonna throw the wildest party this campus has ever seen.
Captain Holt: No.
Jake: Okay, then we'll have a bikini car wash.

Jake: Which once again begs the question, what happened to those guys? I mean, when did it all fall apart?
[cut to young Hitchcock and Scully at Wing Slutz]
Young Scully: Hey, Donna, just want to make sure you're okay here working at Wing Slutz.
Young Marissa Costa: Yeah. It's a good job, and I'm excited about my new life. Thanks.
Young Scully: Our pleas. Well, we're gonna go hit the gym for the second time today.
Young Marissa Costa: Wait. You need some protein to fuel those hard bodies. It's on me.
Young Hitchcock: Ah, what the heck. One wing can't hurt.
[Berlin's "Take My Breath Away" playing]

Captain Holt: No, no, save your schemes. I know exactly how to get back at the dean. By arresting him.
Jake: For what? It seems pretty obvious that Port did it.
Captain Holt: No, no, that makes no sense. Why would someone steal something valuable and then leave it in their desk?
Jake: I feel like this is a veiled shot at me for leaving the crown in my desk during the third Halloween Heist.
Captain Holt: It is.
Jake: Oh.

Jake: Charles, are you okay? You hit your head pretty hard.
Charles: Oh, no, I'm fine. I don't have a concussion.
Jake: We'll see about that. How many musical numbers are there in the movie "Zootopia"?
Charles: Oh, just the one.
Jake: Yeah, he's okay.

Charles: So I told Nikolaj, "Who cares if you're bad at skateboarding? When you grow up, nobody thinks skateboarders are cool." What's cool is hemming your own pants.

Captain Holt: Allister planted the coin in Professor Port's desk. They're rivals.
Jake: Mm.
Captain Holt: Did you see the book Allister was holding back there? A biography of Macedonian general Parmenion. He was taunting us.
Jake: Again, I'm the Hitchcock here. You're gonna have to connect the dots for me.

Amy: You were defending my honor. And I'm glad you said something.
Jake: So should I go back and apologize to your mom?
Amy: Oh, hell no. We're sneaking out the back.
Jake: Oh, thank God. She is terrifying. See ya at Thanksgiving, Mrs. Santiago.

Captain Holt: I'm texting Kevin to bring the cummerbund. You'll see who the real winner is, you braggy breeders.

Sergeant Knox: Damn it, I tried to remove the server from the chain, but the hacker blocked the protocol.
Jake: Why don't you just unplug it? That's what I do any time I'm having computer trouble. And also I code a lot. Java, mainframe. This guy knows what I'm talking about.

Jake: But the point is, I planned everything, starting with Scully's bracelet. It had to be the prize because I have prepared the greatest reveal in heist history. Allow me to introduce you to Other Scully.
Earl: Hi, I'm Earl, Norm's twin brother.
Jake: [MIMICKING EXPLOSION]
Sergeant Jeffords: Why's Scully never mentioned he had a twin before?
Jake: Because no one talks about their siblings with coworkers.
Sergeant Jeffords: I've told you about my brother Lawrence.
Jake: Nope, and I don't want to learn about him and I already forgot his name. Now let's go. It's time to heist.

Dean Wesley Allister: I'm surprised you didn't know about them. Kevin must have gotten a pair. Oh, I remember what happened. You had to leave the Christmas party before they were handed out. Why was that again? Oh, yes. The kerfuffle.
Jake: But what about the autobiography of Persimminons you were taunting us with?
Dean Wesley Allister: I suppose I can see how holding any book would seem like a taunt to you.
Jake: I own a book.
Dean Wesley Allister: But I don't think Raymond is remembering the story correctly. Alexander didn't see Parmenion as a rival. He killed him over a dispute about his son.
Jake: Oh, no, it's Boethius all over again.
Dean Wesley Allister: At least you got one thing right. You do have a rock hard brain. Because that's bad. Everyone knows that a brain should be soft and wet.
Captain Holt: I wanted to say that, but Jake told me not to.
Jake: Yeah, because it's gross.

Jake: He's in a lot of trouble, you know.
Amy: Yeah, yeah, you're right. You're right. It's a terrible situation. Let's go bail him out.
Jake: All right.
Amy: Ooh, should I get my hair blown out first? I'm gonna have pictures from today for the rest of my life.
Jake: Are you a bad person?

Charles: It's Captain Holt.
Sergeant Jeffords: Captain Holt? He was the worst one! No offense, but Holt was so unconvincing. He kept referring to his childhood as a soot-covered street urchin.
Captain Holt: Yes, I gave myself a Dickensian backstory, which apparently made quite the impression.

Charles: I'm sorry, Sarge. Honestly, I don't think I'm the right director to bring your vision of Maxwell Blaze to life.
Sergeant Jeffords: What does that even mean?
Captain Holt: It means you blew it. Walk away, Jeffords. Walk away.

Jake: It was not a sexy nickname! It was a scarlet letter, and it ruined my senior year ... but luckily, I'm over all that now.
Charles: Not me. I'm gonna go to this reunion tonight and kick Brandon Bliss in the butthole.
Jake: Horrifying, but that won't be necessary, Charles, for my awesome life will do the butthole-kicking this eve.