Captain Holt: What's going on, Kelly? Why is your assistant submitting tips?
Jake: Because they already had the information. The tips aren't coming from the public at all.
John Kelly: Oh, cool theory. But if I already had the information, why am I pouring so much money into developing this app?
Jake: To hide where you're getting it.
Charles: Because you're using illegal wiretaps or something.
John Kelly: You got me! [laughs] You guys are good. I just love how you ping pong off each other.
Captain Holt: This is blatantly unconstitutional. I'm going to the press.
John Kelly: Yes, you should. But first, do you know what a stingray is?
Charles: Of course we know what a Stingray is. Tenderest meat in the ocean.

John Kelly: No, stingray is a portable cell tower. You drive it around the city. It captures data from any cell phone within reach. Like, oh, text messages, location history, voicemail-
Jake: Oh, my god. You have a "Dark Knight" machine.

John Kelly: Oh-ho-ho. Way worse. You wrote several people, "I would do anything to rid the NYPD of John Kelly. Sincerely, Raymond Holt."
Jake: You have got to stop signing your text messages.

Sergeant Jeffords: What do I do? Brian sounds terrible. I can't let him quit his job. He'll never get cast in anything.
Amy: Maybe he'll be one of those people on "The Voice" that's so bad they become an Internet sensation.
Sergeant Jeffords: That's not what they do on "The Voice", Amy, that's "American Idol". "The Voice" is purely a celebration of talent.

Jake: Gentlemen, may I present to you the Suicide Squad.
The Vulture: Hang on there, genius. You want us, your enemies, to help you bring down Commissioner Kelly?
Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: You guys consider me your enemy? You're some of my best friends.
Jake: We haven't talked to you in, like, three years, C.J.
Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: Wait, yeah. I'm thinking of different guys.

Jake: Look, John Kelly has to be stopped. He's spying on civilians. It's unconstitutional and it's wrong.
Captain Holt: Please. Do you think any one of these jackals cares about what's right or wrong?
The Vulture: I'll help.
Jake: See, sir? There is good in every person.
The Vulture: But I want it to be known it's for selfish reasons.
Jake: Why would you want that to be known?
The Vulture: 'Cause I've never met C.J. before and I want him to think that I'm cool.
Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: It's working. I mean, I love how you're taking over the room. Like that?
The Vulture: Yeah, it's awesome.

Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: You know, I actually wouldn't mind getting rid of John Kelly either. That guy makes up so many dumb rules. He told me I couldn't eat raw chicken.
Charles: And you think a new commissioner will-
Jake: Yeah, he's already on board, so yes, a new commissioner would let you eat raw chicken for whatever reason.
Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: It's healthier.
Jake: It sure is, Ceej.

Amy: Sorry. Sorry I'm late.
Captain Holt: Why is Santiago here? We agreed to keep this secret.
Jake: Well, it's hard to keep secrets when you're married to an ace detective.
Amy: He told me as soon as he got home.
Jake: I did. I'm so excited about the Suicide Squad.

Charles: I thought we were getting rubber masks.
Jake: Yeah, I couldn't find any. It's not Halloween.
Amy: These look like they're from "Fifty Shades of Grey."
Jake: Yeah, I got them from a sex shop, Amy, and we're lucky to have them. There were only three left.
Captain Holt: At least you're not wearing a gimp mask.
Jake: Look, there weren't a lot of options. It was a very awkward retail interaction.

Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: Guys, stop fighting. We did it. Let's just chill and play some "Madden."

Sergeant Jeffords: She's still standing there.
Rosa: Oh, since we got time, you wanna talk about your good-bye party? Will you eat a cake, or does it have to be boneless chicken breast?
Sergeant Jeffords: Sure. 70-year-old Terry can eat whatever he wants. You are talking about my retirement party, right? 20 years from now.
Rosa: Dude, you know I'm not talking about that. What do you think is gonna happen at the end of the week?
Sergeant Jeffords: I don't know, but I do know what's gonna happen right now. Topic change. You ever wonder where wind starts? I have. Wind is crazy.
Rosa: You need to face facts.
Sergeant Jeffords: About wind? I'm trying, but you won't engage. Why you in denial about wind, Rosa?

Rosa: You know, I know I just got here, but it feels like everything's falling apart.
Jake: No, everything's going great, Rosa.
Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, cool. I'm not the only one that's in denial. It's catching on.

Jake: That was our last obstacle, except for one other thing. I promised her that you would apologize for everything you've ever done to her.
Captain Holt: Including the Michelle Obama incident?
Jake: Yes, she mentioned that specifically. I'm very curious what happened there.
Captain Holt: Oh, it's nothing. But fine. I'm sorry, Madeline, for everything.
Jake: Hey.
Captain Holt: Especially for pushing you into Michelle Obama from behind and then running away.
Jake: What?
Amy: Sir!
Captain Holt: It was very funny.

Jake: So, we can assume Kelly authorized stingray surveillance and we missed it, but if we ratchet up the pressure on him, we might get another chance.
Charles: How do we ratchet up pressure more than we already have?
Jake: By making him believe that the "kidnappers" are serious, and that C.J.
is in real danger.
Amy: Ooh, what if we send Kelly a severed finger in a box?
Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: No way! I need all my fingers. How else am I gonna do the hang ten sign?
Amy: Nobody's cutting off your fingers. I meant we would get one from the morgue.

Sergeant Jeffords: From the morgue? Man, we are always getting into the craziest situations. If I were leaving this squad, I'd miss these moments, but I'm not, so I won't.
Jake: Okay, seriously. What's going on with him?
Rosa: It's a whole thing.
Jake: Is it gonna screw up the plan?
Rosa: It's more quietly self-destructive.
Jake: Sounds good. Terry, do you.