Carl Kurm: My boss is furious. You ruined my 25th birthday. I want those guys punished.
Amy: Understood. I'll talk to them right now.
[later:]
Amy: Without that witness, the DA has nothing. Kurm is pissed.
Rosa: It's true. He kept calling you guys the human centipede.
Hitchcock: Because we have our heads up our asses. Yes, we've heard that before.
Rosa: I never thought I'd say this, but you guys did the right thing.
Amy: Unfortunately, Kurm wants you disciplined. So effective tomorrow, you're each getting one week paid suspension.
Hitchcock: Like vacation?
Amy: You deserve this punishment!
Rosa: [whispers] It's punishment where you don't have to work.
Scully: And we can go anywhere we like?
Amy: You can go to hell for all I care!
Rosa: [whispers] Or to a resort where you're being scammed.
Scully: Figi. Good idea.
Amy: Now, get out of my face!
Rosa: [whispers] Have fun.

Captain Holt: But you would be wrong. This man has taught me something. He's taught me that music is about heart and soul. It's about perseverance. Despite everything I put him through, he showed up here today. And you would be a fool not to put him in your band.
Brenda Shawnks: Thank you, Captain. Lieutenant, what instrument do you play?
Sergeant Jeffords: The flute.
Brenda Shawnks: You're hired.
Sergeant Jeffords: What? I haven't even played.
Brenda Shawnks: You're the only flute who auditioned. Welcome to the band.
Captain Holt: Yes! I did it!

Amy: Hey. How's your dad doing?
Jake: Well, the doctor said he'll be okay, but his hands are basically claws now. I don't know why they think that's okay. Hey, listen, I'm sorry the cake was green.
Amy: It's okay. I'll love our little Shrek no matter what.

Jake: Oh, my God. That's right. You still don't know the sex of the baby. With all the craziness, I almost forgot. Emphasis on "almost."
Amy: What?
Jake: Well, I got another cake just for the two of us.
Amy: Jake, that's so sweet.
Jake: Here we go.
Amy: I'm so excited. It's empty. There's no cake inside.
Jake: What? Where'd it go?
[Scully enters with blue icing all around his mouth]
Scully: Hey, guys. Do you have any milk?
Amy: [gasps] We're having a boy?
Jake: We're having a boy!
Scully: [loudly] Hey, do you have milk or not?
Amy: Jeez.
Jake: God.

Jake: Terry?
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm out. Terry is retiring from heisting. I don't have anything left to prove after my win last year.
Jake: But we need you. What if one of us has a plan that involves a big, strong brute?
Sergeant Jeffords: Not a great sales pitch, Jake. Terry is going out on top.

Jake: Ugh, fine. I guess that makes it my turn, so I will pick my partner. And it is... [laughs] Raymond Holt. Well, well, well, it appears the original two heist champs are teaming up. Should we just skip ahead so everyone can bow down to us now?
Captain Holt: Yes, you all heard him. Bow down. Boyle, you first.
Amy: He is not gonna bow do... ugh, he's already doing it.
Charles: Well, they're gonna win. I'm currying favor.

Jake: I rigged the envelopes so that we could team up.
Captain Holt: But you chose Scully initially.
Jake: Only because I knew as soon as I tried to go first, Rosa would jump in, and then I made sure no one picked our envelopes by marking them with Cheeto thumbprints.
Captain Holt: Oh, so everyone would assume that they were Hitchcock and Scully's. Brilliant. These fools don't stand a chance against us.
Jake: Yeah, they really are fools, aren't they? Just like whoever Agnes and Alfredo beat at singing to get into the Olympics. I know nothing about opera.
Captain Holt: No, you're right. Amy's a real Teresa Berganza, huh?

Amy: Look, Jake and Holt are too stubborn and too proud to work as a team. Once they implode, we'll waltz in and grab the gems.
Charles: I do love waltzing.

Scully: [o.s.] Hey, Rosa, you brought headphones right? To drown out the sound?
Rosa: No.
Scully: Oh boy, I'm really sorry for what's heading your way.
Rosa: [o.s.] [screams]
Scully: [o.s.] I'm sorry!

Captain Holt: Oh, someone's making a move.
Jake: That's right. And that someone is us.
Captain Holt: Seems like a pretty sloppy plan.
Jake: You're just saying it's sloppy because you're jealous you didn't think of it. You don't even know what we're doing yet.
Captain Holt: Fog up the room until no one can see and then steal the gems.
Jake: Yeah, but I also got us little booties, so we can move through the room quietly. And I memorized the exact layout of the entire bullpen using a blindfold so follow me.

Jake: This is why you don't team up with a dog.
Captain Holt: It's better than teaming up with Bill like you do every year.
Jake: Bill is a human. He is able to use more than just his mouth.
Bill: Not if you don't want me to.
Jake: Bill, stop chiming in.
Bill: I'm just saying. I'm not that different from a dog.
Jake: You're not helping.

Captain Holt: We need to get Cheddar to a doctor right now.
Amy: Bravo. [slow claps] What a performance. Cheddar didn't swallow any gems. This is all a ruse just like my brilliant lie about the pumpkin costume.
Jake: That was good.
Amy: There is no chance in hell that any of this is real.
[cut to:]
Dr. Gabbie Wince: Yep, you can see the gems right here on the X-ray.
Amy: Okay, so it's real.

Captain Holt: Seems to me Cheddar has the gems, and he's my property, so we win.
Jake: Yeah, works for me. Time for the big wrap-up speech. I'm sure you're all wondering how we pulled this off.
Rosa: No, we continue the heist right here, right now. [picks up scalpel] I'm gonna open him up.

Jake: All right, the heist will pick up where we left off. There are six hours remaining and three teams left. The now-sterilized Infinitude Gems will be placed back into the care of Bill. Oh, wow, Bill, looks like you had a rough four months.
Bill: It was actually a great three months and then one really bad one.
Jake: Okay, but you're here, and you're happier than ever.
Bill: I don't know why you think that.
Jake: Let the heist re-begin!

Captain Holt: Okay, your smoke plan was a disaster.
Jake: Yeah, because your dog ate the gems.
Captain Holt: Because you tripped and dropped them.
Jake: Yeah, because someone put a chair in my way that wasn't supposed to be there.
Captain Holt: I'm sorry. Are you accusing me of something?
Jake: Was that not clear? Do you need me to say it in Latin? [in Italian accent] I think you sabotage me.