Jake: Look, I spent the whole day denying the fact that there were signs, but I was wrong. They were actually there.
Adrian Pimento: So far, duh.

Adrian Pimento: Oh, is that right, Jake? Are we still friends? If that's the case, then when did I lose my virginity?
Jake: Oh, man, you've told us so many intense graphic sex stories.
Adrian Pimento: I have! But a true friend always remembers a friend's first.
Charles: Jake, we know this! It's got to be one of the swamps. Uh, Florida swamp, or Okefenokee Swamp, or oh, was it a bayou?
Jake: No, no, no! I've got it. Summer of '91, at a screening of "Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves".
Adrian Pimento: Well done. It was Bryan Adams' soundtrack and Kevin Costner's flawless British accent that put us in the mood to get gross.

Adrian Pimento: Could you stay out of your kitchen for the next, like, 48 hours? I'm gonna be skinning a deer than I shot.
Charles: What?
Adrian Pimento: Ooh, and put up some of those plastic sheets. I have no idea what I'm doing.

Adrian Pimento: Say it with me, Jake. You've been-
Jake: Denied!
Adrian Pimento: Butt-slammed!
Adrian Pimento: Wait, what?
Jake: Denied, like the stamp?
Adrian Pimento: Oh, that is so much better. "Butt-slammed" is so stupid.

Adrian Pimento: Anyway, you know that if you guys want to get in touch with me, there's easier ways than burning down your truck, right?
Charles: What? Burning down my truck?
Adrian Pimento: Yeah, it's obviously arson, you did it, you're not gonna get a dime and are probably gonna go to jail. So what's going on with you guys? Give me that juicy Nine-Nine goss, am I right?

Captain Holt: You know, I had a friend that had to retire from the force. He became a private investigator.
Adrian Pimento: Ooh, PI, huh? I like that. [laughs] "Hello, Mr. Branville, I found out where your wife's been going tonight. Have a seat, you're not gonna like this. She's cheating on you. What do you mean you knew that already? You killed her? And are framing me for the murder? I just left my prints all over the crime scene. Oh, you are an evil ge-" This, this I could get on board for.

Adrian Pimento: So is this a sexy stab in the face? Or an angry stab in the face?

Charles: Look, this morning, Pimento was screaming about someone trying to kill him. Has he said anything like that to you?
Dr. Jones: He has, but I've seen him every day for weeks, and I haven't noticed any new injuries, but the medication he's on may be making him paranoid.
Jake: Really? Because he doesn't-
Adrian Pimento: [screams] There's a bomb in my chest!
Jake: Right, he does keep doing that.

Jake: So what do you think caused Pimento's memory loss?
Dr. Jones: Probably years of repeated head trauma. I've been working as a neurologist for over two decades, and I have never seen a patient with more traumatic head injuries.
Jake: Well, doesn't look so bad.
Dr. Jones: The red is the good parts.
Jake: Oh, my God. Oh, I guess it does make sense. Pimento lives pretty hard.
[flashback:]
Adrian Pimento: I locked my keys in the car again. I guess I'll have to smash the window.
Jake: Actually, I got a hammer in my car.
[back:]
Adrian Pimento: Come on, everybody knows the skull is the hammer of the body.
Dr. Jones: Yeah, that's not true.
Adrian Pimento: What? Really? Okay, well, then this is on me.

Charles: Look, Adrian, we don't have a ton to go off on here. What else has been going on in your life?
Adrian Pimento: Normal stuff. Ooh, I got hired as a PI by the Countess Luann from "Real Housewives." I ended up sleeping with her in a tiny hotel Jacuzzi. I also microwaved a watermelon just to see if it would explode.
Jake: Okay, this is immediately unhelpful, but did the watermelon explode?
Adrian Pimento: It just cracked and got hot.
Jake: Oh.
Adrian Pimento: Total bust.

Jake: Hey, Charles, I know you're still mad at me for not telling you Amy and I are trying, but I could really use your help.
Charles: That's not all I'm mad about, Jake. I'm upset because you keep blowing me off. We haven't hung out in weeks. We don't talk on the phone anymore. I can't remember the last time we painted pottery together. Sorry, I know this isn't the time to talk about this.
Jake: No, no, no, keep going. It's helping to distract me from the fact that I could fall and instantly die.
Adrian Pimento: Oh, no, from this height, it wouldn't be instant. When you hit the ground, your ribs would shatter, puncturing your lungs. You'd start to drown on your own blood, gurgling and-
Jake: Okay, Adrian, I'm being distracted by Charles right now, thank you.
Adrian Pimento: Okay.

Charles: Hey, how's it been since you stopped taking those pills?
Adrian Pimento: Well, thankfully, my full memory has come back, even the things that haunt me. [silence followed by manic laughter] Hey, Jake, I saw that movie you keep talking about.
Jake: You watched "Memento"? And what'd you think?
Adrian Pimento: It's okay. [long silence as Jake and Pimento look at each other]

Rosa: You punching holes?
Adrian Pimento: Yeah.
Rosa: That's way too much paper.
Adrian Pimento: Not for me.

Charles: Where is that coming from?
Adrian Pimento: Oh, my God, there's a bomb in my chest!
Jake: What?
Adrian Pimento: They put a bomb in my chest!
Charles: What do we do?
Adrian Pimento: Wait a second, the sound's coming from my little watch.
Charles: You just assumed there was a bomb inside you?

Adrian Pimento: Shut up! Thank you for the presents. We're keeping them.
Rosa: All of them.
Adrian Pimento: Yeah, if you got a problem with it, come talk to us in the parking lot.