Charles: Urgh, I can't do this to my mouth. She's the love of my life.

Charles: Did you check out the videocamera?
Hitchcock: Yeah, I'm gonna take it home and videotape the top of my head. I think I might be thinning up there.

Jake: Hey, Rosa, just who I was looking for. Quick question, can I have your friend Katie's phone number? I want to ask her out.
Rosa: No, I don't mix personal and professional. You're never getting her number.
Jake: Never like, "we're never gonna have a black President" never? 'Cause that happened.
Rosa: A real never. Like if you ever ask me about this again, you're never gonna be able to eat without a straw.
Jake: Yeah, okay, well you are on the wrong side of history, my friend.

Jake: Guys, guys, guys. Three-hour delay with no Holt or Terry? Do you have any idea what this means?
Charles: Makeovers.
Jake: No, Charles. The Jimmy Jab Games!
All: Yeah!
Jake: The first Jimmy Jabs were held in 2008, when the King of Iraq-
Rosa: President, Iran.
Jake: Armen Jimmy Jab.
Rosa: Ahmadinejad.
Jake: Came to New York, and were on call for nine glorious hours in case there were protests. On that day, a young genius named Jake Peralta used the last piece of his bagel to create the first Jimmy Jab event.

Jake: As soon as Holt and Terry leave, we will commence with Jimmy Jab Seven, Circus of Fools. Jimmy Jabs...
All: [chanting] Jimmy Jabs. Jimmy Jabs. Jimmy Jabs. Jimmy Jabs! Jimmy Jabs! Jimmy Jabs!

Sergeant Jeffords: Sir, what are you so nervous about? There's a new drug in the precinct, and we need updated narcotics field kits. All we're asking for is $1,200. How could she say no to that?
Captain Holt: Sergeant, as long as I'm asking for it, Madeline Wuntch can say no to anything.
[flashback:]
Captain Holt: [sneezes] Ugh, may I?
Madeline Wuntch: Those are my tissues, Raymond. If you were planning on sneezing, you should have brought your own.

Jake: So Jimmy Jabs, huh? What do you say we make it interesting this year? Aha! We could play for Katie's number.
Rosa: No. Is this why you wanted to do Jimmy Jabs?
Jake: No. Yes. Why? What gave it away?
Rosa: You said, "aha" and snapped your fingers.

Jake: Let the games begin!

Jake: Welcome to the Jimmy jabs. We play for pride. We play for the phone numbers of Rosa's friends. But most importantly, we play to watch Amy lose.
Amy: Nope. This is my year.
Hitchcock: It's my year too.
Amy: Please don't align yourself with me.
Jake: Why not? Neither of you have ever come close to winning. You're exactly the same, just a couple of Santiagos.

Gina: Okay, guys, as usual, the loser of each event is eliminated from the games. The winner gets a bonus in the final round. Our first event is "The mouthathon." In front of you is month-old Chinese food from the fridge. Go ahead and eat as much as you can stomach. On your mark, get set, Wahlberg!

Captain Holt: Hello, deputy chief Wuntch. You've aged.

Madeline Wuntch: Stay seated. We can do this out here, since you've already made yourselves comfortable. Sergeant Jeffords, why don't you just lie down?
Sergeant Jeffords: I can't sit any straighter than this.

Madeline Wuntch: This paperwork is a mess. A semicolon that should clearly be a full colon? Was this prepared by a recent immigrant?
Sergeant Jeffords: It's just one typo.
Madeline Wuntch: It's gibberish. Request denied.

Hitchcock: There's one thing I want, and it's not that big. I just want you to make me cool in everyone's eyes.
Charles: Not that big?

Gina: The Jimmy jabs has claimed its first victims. Boyle, you made no impact. Also, Detective Scully has withdrawn due to food poisoning, which I think we all saw coming.