Charles: Bye-bye "Toxic". Bye-bye "Party in the USA".
Amy: Hey, Charles. What are you doing?
Charles: I'm deleting all the upbeat music off my computer.
Amy: I know you're down, but-
Charles: Bye-bye "Swish Swish Bish".

Reginald VelJohnson: Uh, do I still need to be here?
Jake: Yes, Reginald. We're all toasted and we need rides home! [SOFTLY] It's Reginald VelJohnson!

Amy: Can I buy a free man a drink?
Jake: I'd rather have a drink of that mouth.
Amy: Ugh.
Jake: I'm sorry, I just, I love you.
Amy: I love you too.
Rosa: Hello, I'm also back.

Rosa: Look, we've done like nine rounds of this, and you haven't drunk once. Maybe we should play something else that actually gets you drunk. I love you, dude, but you haven't had the craziest life.

Charles: Is that a Serbian accent? It is. Write that down for later. I'll see you in six hours.

Charles: But please hurry. They're torturing me like James Bond in "Casino Royale". It's all groin stuff!

Jake: All right, here's the deal. Terry's coin fell out of his pocket, and we lost it. We just didn't have the heart to tell you.
Charles: Oh, no. That cost $800. All right, Terry will pay me back later.
Sergeant Jeffords: What?

Jake: We cannot do this. We're way too drunk. But there has to be someone that knows where those coins are, right? Charles.
Captain Holt: Charles would know.
Jake: Brilliant! We just have to find Charles, but where might he be?
Sergeant Jeffords: He's probably digging up the gold coins. But who would know where the gold coins are?
Jake: Charles! Charles knows where they are. But where is he- No, wait we're stuck in a loop. We're super drunk and we're in a loop. We need to find someone who isn't Charles who knows where the coins are.

Amy: Okay, so I need to come up with 15 grand or my father/daughter dance is going to be performed by that.

Jake: I didn't like it because you got kidnapped right at the beginning. You were gone for six hours. I wanted to spend my bachelor party with you.

Charles: I can't believe you pissed off Reginald VelJohnson just to find me.
Jake: Oh, please. He'll get over it.
Reginald VelJohnson: No, I won't. You've made an enemy for life. And I'm telling Bruce Willis you suck.
Jake: [gasp] That's fine. I'm fine with that. It's good. What's important is that we made up, my best friend. Not Bruce Willis.

Amy: Hey, so I need to tell you something. I had to cancel the wedding band, because I kind of dated one of the dudes in it.
Jake: Yeah, I know. Man bun. He left me a very long message with a lot of details-
Amy: Oh, no.
Jake: He seems like a really passionate guy.
Amy: I'm never gonna live this down.
Jake: No, you are not. I'm just kidding. I'll never bring it up again.
Amy: Thank you. You're the sweetest. I love you.
Jake: I love you too, Turtle Bug.

Jake: The alarm went off before we could even talk.
Caleb: Aw, that's too bad, bud. But at least you have people that wanna come and visit you. My family hasn't been to see my since my trial. You eat nine people and all of the sudden they "don't know who you are anymore."
Jake: Wait, what? Did you say "eat people"? Are you a cannibal, Caleb?
Caleb: Well, that's not how I would define myself. If we're going by what I'm most passionate about, I would say that I'm a woodworker. Why did you think I was in protective custody?
Jake: I don't know, I guess I hoped you were another cop wrongly convicted of crimes you didn't commit.
Caleb: Nope, I did all my stuff and more. There's tons they can't even trace to me. The secret is eating the evidence.
Jake: Okay, this is just great. I don't see anyone from the outside for another three weeks and my only friend here is a cannibal.
Caleb: Woodworker.

Jake: I can't believe I went 0 for 16. I got rejected by my safety gang. I'm gonna die in here.

Jake: I can't believe we're going to gen pop. A cop and a cannibal? Everybody's gonna be trying to kill us.
Caleb: I know. What are we gonna do?
Jake: You're a psychopath. You can protect us in there, right? I mean, you killed and ate a bunch of people.
Caleb: They were children, Jake. Weak little children. One conk on the head was all it took.
Jake: Damn it. I can't believe I'm friends with a cowardly cannibal.