Amy: Whoa, Rosa! What happened?
Rosa: I touched poison oak. The doctor says I have to keep my hands bandaged for a week so I don't scratch them.
Amy: How did it happen?
Rosa: I was on a nature hike and I went off-trail to pick a pretty little flower.
Amy, Hitchcock & Scully: Aw.
Rosa: Shut up.

Captain Holt: And what do you hope to get out of this, Madeline? Let me guess, revenge on Dorothy... for killing your sister?

Amy: So did they defuse the bomb?
Jake: Yeah, one of 'em. Oh, you didn't hear? There was a second bomb. Ya butt. Ya butt is da bomb.
Amy: Aww. On our anniversary.

Jake: Okay, unlike Kooky Charles and Tearful Terry, I am healthy and don't need therapy.
Hitchcock: I hear that. I don't go to therapy either. Jake and I are like two penises in a pod.
Jake: Damn it, Hitchcock, we talked about this. It never helps when you back me up.

Jake: Behold, Brooklyn buddies, Boyle bullpen bottle bowling.
Charles: Beautiful.
Jake: Be brave, bro. Be brave. Bowl!
Rosa: Bam!
Charles: Bull's-eye!
Jake: Booyah!
Elderly Eastern European Woman: Babushka!
All: Babushka!

Captain Holt: Fine, but on two conditions we stay at least 4 inches apart at all times, and you tuck your tail back into your pants so I don't trip on it.
Madeline Wuntch: Deal.

Captain Holt: Ah, Boyle, there you are. I have a question for you.
Nikolaj: Daddy, wait up!
Captain Holt: Oh, your non-adult is at our place of work.

Jake: Yeah, and your new shirt is very aggressive and confusing. Is the pineapple the slut, or is it calling someone else a slut?
Captain Holt: Clearly the pineapple is the slut.
Jake: Huh.

Charles: Wanted to see me, sir?
Captain Holt: Yes, I wanted to talk to you about Nikolaj. How long have you known he was a genius?
Charles: I mean, I always knew he was bright. I just never realized he was that smart.
Captain Holt: Well, there's no sugarcoating it. You're a terrible father.
Charles: What?!
Captain Holt: You've been asleep at the wheel, man! What have you done to cultivate his incredible mind?
Charles: I read to him every night.
Captain Holt: Shakespeare? Tolstoy?
Charles: No, nothing that advanced.
Captain Holt: Egads, are you reading him Dickens?
Charles: Yes?

David Santiago: Everything I've said before just now is a lie. I'm being framed. I've been investigating these dirty cops who are being paid off by the Brazilian mob.
Jake: Oh, Brazilian mobsters are so good-looking. They're just a bunch of Giseles, the women and the men.
David Santiago: Yes, it's insane. They're all gorgeous.

Jake: So, we gonna talk about what happened back there? I haven't seen someone cry that much since Charles heard they were remaking "First Wives Club."

Jake: Ames, super important question. Which one of these shirts should I wear to dinner with your mom tonight?
Rosa: Those are exactly the same.
Jake: I have a signature look, Rosa.

Captain Holt: This has become more about your employment status.As your supervisor, I feel I have a conflict of interest and should abstain from judging.
Jake: Okay, so do we both get a point?
Captain Holt: No. Kevin has been on the phone all this time. He's also a licensed debate moderator.
Kevin: [v.o.] License number J as in Juliet, 2-5-9-
Jake: This means nothing to me.
Kevin: [v.o.] H as in hotel. Z as in Zulu.
Jake: Oh, thank God he stopped.
Kevin: [v.o.] 3-6-9. Point to Amy.

Captain Holt: What the hell is going on?
Jake: I can't let you quit.
Captain Holt: Yes, but why the candles and rose petals?
Jake: Wuh-oh.
Amy: Is that Mr. McClane I hear? 'Cause someone's about to Die Har- Oh, my God. Why is Captain Holt here?
Jake: Because he's gonna- Wait, are you dressed like Bonnie Bedelia in Die Hard?
Amy: I am.
Jake: For sexy reasons?
Amy: Yes.
Jake: Oh, boy.

Jake: Look. We can still stop John Kelly. All we need is some hard evidence.
Captain Holt: How? He won't let us anywhere near him or One Police Plaza.
Jake: I know, which is why I've assembled a team of powerful allies in the NYPD.
Captain Holt: No, that's too risky. How do you know they're not loyal to John Kelly?
Jake: Because these people aren't loyal to anybody. I made a suicide squad!