Frank O'Sullivan: Oh, there she is, my archnemesis.
Amy: You're a cop, O'Sullivan. Shouldn't your archnemesis be a criminal?
Frank O'Sullivan: No.
Amy: Okay, what do you want?
Frank O'Sullivan: Well, I came here to reach a truce with you over your pilot program that persecutes the uniformed officers in my union.
Amy: Its aim is to reduce instances in which armed cops are needlessly interacting with civilians. It could save lives and restore trust with the community.
Frank O'Sullivan: That's persecution, plain and simple. But I don't want to fight with you. I'd rather be civilized and reach some common ground over a drink.
Amy: It's the middle of the day.
Frank O'Sullivan: Well, that's how business gets done in the real world.
Amy: Look, I'm not changing the pilot program.
Frank O'Sullivan: Okay, have it your way, but I got to say, you're going to be sorry.
Amy: Are you threatening me?
Frank O'Sullivan: No, I'm informing you that I hold a lot of power, and unless you're willing to play ball with me, I will wield said power against you. Again, not a threat, but go ahead and change your mind, or else. All the best.

Amy: [on the phone] Hey. I just got home. Where are you?
Jake: Sorry, I'm checking out the lot where the bus parks at night.
Amy: Ugh, but Holt told you not to. He's gonna be pissed when he finds out.
Jake: Not when I bust the bomber. Marzipan gave me the lot's address. He's actually helping me out because of our intimate shorthand.
Amy: You know, Marzipan's kind of a bad dude. We're desperately trying to fire him.
Jake: No, I did not know that! Why didn't anyone tell me that before I pretended to be friends with him?

Jake: I just had an epiphany.
Captain Holt: That you're fallible and you made an M word.
Jake: Absolutely not. This whole thing is a setup!

Jake: Okay, so here's what I'm thinking. The union set me up. Think about it. O'Sullivan told Amy if she didn't drop her pilot program, "she'd be sorry," and now suddenly, I'm being threatened with suspension?
Captain Holt: Sure, but he threatened her, not you.
Jake: We're married. We're a team.
Amy: Really? What about when I wanted to run a half marathon together and you told me to rot in hell?
Jake: That was clearly a playful joke.
Amy: So will you run the half marathon with me?
Jake: No, I would die!

Amy: Okay, so here's the plan. O'Sullivan likes to do deals over drinks. So I invite him to Shaw's and order us a couple beers. I nod along as he talks about how surprisingly cool his mom is. Order more beers. I also nod along as he talks about how horrible his ex-wife is. Order more beers. I also nod along as he kind of implies he wishes his wife was his mom.
Frank O'Sullivan: Nobody spoons like my mom.
Amy: But I'm not the only one who's one listening. O'Sullivan's a blowhard, so he just needs a little push. Get him drunk enough, eventually he'll just come out and admit that he set Jake up. The plan is flawless.
[later:]
Amy: So there's one flaw with my plan.
Rosa: O'Sullivan isn't even buzzed, and you're totally hammered?
Amy: I'm so hammered!

Frank O'Sullivan: What's going on here?
Rosa: Uh, nothing.
Frank O'Sullivan: Nothing? I distinctly remember you saying we were moving on to shots. And yet you bring us more beers? You got to do a better job than that, Santiago.
Rosa: Right, right, I guess we'll just have to shoot these, then.
Frank O'Sullivan: Yes, we will!

Sergeant Jeffords: I didn't do it! Boyle must have!
Charles: I would never do that. This is just what happens when you order candy from a candy child and not a candy man.
Sergeant Jeffords: I'll show you a candy man. [throws apple]
Charles: Hey, what the hell? Oh, you picked the wrong guy to get in an apple fight with.
Sergeant Jeffords: Why is that?
Charles: Because I was MVP of my fast-pitch softball summer camp.
Sergeant Jeffords: Wow, I'm so scared...
[Terry is knocked down by an apple Charles threw at his head]
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh! Ow.

Rosa: I'm so drunk. He's had beers, and he's not even slurring his words.
Amy: Well, I feel better. I had some floor pretzels. Let's switch places again.
Rosa: Yes, two of us can outdrink that son of a bitch.

Frank O'Sullivan: Well, now, what the hell am I looking at?
Both: Nothing.
Rosa: Oops.
Amy: You're drunk, and you're seeing double.
Frank O'Sullivan: Oh, give me a break. You can't really think I'm that stupid.
Rosa: I mean, we've been switching places for the last two hours, and you didn't notice, so...
Frank O'Sullivan: That's 'cause I don't look at women's eyes when I'm talking to 'em.

Frank O'Sullivan: Now, what's going on?
Amy: You set up my husband! You're using him to blackmail me into dropping police reform. We're getting you drunk so you can admit it.
Frank O'Sullivan: I'm not blackmailing Jake. When I blackmail somebody, you'll know it. I own my blackmailing.
Amy: Then what did you mean when you said I'd be sorry if I didn't drop police reform?
Frank O'Sullivan: I was talking about taking your snacks.
Amy: Huh?
Frank O'Sullivan: Oh, come on. Who do you think broke the vending machine that got Detective Flat Top all riled up, stole Detective Little Guy's candy shipment, and swapped out Sergeant Muscle Guy's candy for seasonal fruit?
Rosa: Your people.
Frank O'Sullivan: Bingo. And it's driving your guys crazy. Now, if your precinct would like to get their candy back. I'd be willing to negotiate.
Amy: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. So when you told Jake you could get him out of his suspension, that wasn't blackmail?
Frank O'Sullivan: If I am passionate about one thing, it's getting cops off without punishment. How dare you turn that into something dirty? Shame on the both of you.

Amy: [bell dinging] Jake, oh, thank God we found you in time.
Jake: We?
Amy: Me and Rosa, duh.
Jake: Rosa's not with you.
Amy: Right. I lost her when she rode down the stairs to the subway. [laughing] It was so funny!
Jake: Okay, just shh, 'cause my guy is in there.
Amy: By the way, I really like that hat. You look like a little narc.
Jake: And you enjoy that?
Amy: Oh, yeah.

Jake: Hey, man. What are you doing here? What a weird coincidence.
Amy: [Cockney accent] Do a British accent.

Jake: Wow. That was amazing. We beat him. I can't believe it actually worked out okay.
Captain Holt: You're suspended for five months.
Jake: Right, I know. But I deserve it. And I learned a valuable lesson from all this, so I'm counting it as a win.
Captain Holt: I get that, Peralta, but things will be a lot better when a man doesn't have to lose his job for you to learn a lesson.
Jake: Yeah, fair enough. Thank you, sir. It was crazy when you got huffy.
Captain Holt: I was so huffy.
Jake: I got scared.
Captain Holt: Wow.
Jake: Yeah.

Jake: Wait, so we have a wealthy patriarch who mysteriously died, a missing will, and a black sheep set to inherit everything? Am I the only one who suspects foul play here?
Sergeant Jeffords: He didn't die mysteriously. He was 93.
Jake: He was fit as fiddle, Terr. From all the nutria milk.
Charles: Don't be ridiculous. No Boyle would ever commit murder. Boyles don't even get mad at each other. Except in that rare instance of cousin-on-cousin jealousy.
Sergeant Jeffords: You're just bored from your suspension and desperate to find a case to work.
Jake: No. That's not it. I'm just telling you, something doesn't smell right here.
Sam Boyle: Oh, yeah. That's Pappy's body. Cousin Mel did the embalming in here, and I think she forgot to add something.
Jake: Well... that's a disturbing revelation.

Lyndon Boyle: Why am I back here? Like I told you, it was a typical night.
Jake: Right. Cousin kissing circle, everyone gets burped after dinner... Normal stuff. But let's talk about what happened after the burping, shall we?
Lyndon Boyle: What are you getting at? What exactly do you think happened that night?
Jake: I'm so glad you asked. I think Pappy called you into his study and told you he was cutting you out of his will. Tempers flared. Voices were raised.
Lyndon Boyle: What?
Jake: You were furious you wouldn't be inheriting the farm.
Lyndon Boyle: I don't even want the farm. I've always been more of a city boy. I live in Poughkeepsie.
Jake: Well, I guess that settles it. [chuckles] Except you didn't say I love you.
Lyndon Boyle: Excuse me?
Jake: When you left, you said "good night." You didn't say "I love you." Now, you may be a black sheep, but you're still a Boyle.
And a Boyle always says "I love you."
Lyndon Boyle: Not always.
Jake: Look around you. It's written everywhere.
Lyndon Boyle: Okay, fine. We were fighting. But not over the will. Pappy was mad at me for missing that Zoom call this summer.
Charles: I mean honestly, Lyndon, what did you expect would happen?
Lyndon Boyle: He said I was a disgrace to the Boyle name. So I didn't say "I love you." I just stormed out to the shed. I went to get the Grandmother Dough.
Jake: The Grandmother Dough?