Justice of the Peace: We are gathered here to affirm the marriage of Raymond Holt and Kevin Cozner.
Kevin: We don't have to do this. Everyone who's not family has already gone home, and we need to hurry.
Captain Holt: No, this is important. Kevin Cozner... when we first got married, I thought of it primarily as a legal contract, which is why I memorized the entire federal tax code 301.7701-18, definitions pertaining to marriage.
Jake: And yet he can't remember Mac's name.
Captain Holt: But I finally learned what marriage really is. It's not something you can memorize or an equation you can solve for. It's the feeling you get when you look in your partner's eyes. And that feeling is all that matters. Which is why I will now purge tax code 301.7701-18 from my memory so that I will have room to remember this moment forever. It's done.
Kevin: Oh, Raymond.
Justice of the Peace: Raymond Holt, do you promise to continue to live in this marriage for richer or poorer, through sickness and in health as long as you two both shall live?
Captain Holt: I do. And, Kevin...
Kevin: Yes, yes, we're still married. We really have to go.

Sergeant Jeffords: You made me meet with a fake person just so you could trick me into sitting out the heist? That interview was important! It's my shot to become captain! I bought fancy new suspenders for this, with gold thread! I can't return them because I've already stretched them out with my pecs. They've been pec-stretched!

Kevin: I have an EpiPen back at the house. Would you call someone to have them bring it?
Sergeant Jeffords: There's no reception. I'll just run back. I haven't done cardio in 20 years. How hard can it be? [runs] It's immediately awful!

Scully: Sure, I'll watch Mac. Don't worry, I've padded all the sharp edges in here.
Jake: Wow. You already baby-proofed it?
Scully: Ah, it's my nap room. You can take a nap anywhere in here. Every surface is like a bed.
Both: Huh.
Jake: Works for us.

Rosa: Sir, if you wanna get a date off of these sites, you're gonna have to give me a little more from your profile photo.
Captain Holt: I just gave you a series of eight poses, each increasing in sexual provocativeness by one-eighth. If you wanted septiles or deciles of sexiness, you should've told me. [Amy groans] What? Why do you care so much, Santiago? I thought you didn't like the idea of me dating.
Amy: Yes, initially. But then I thought about your metaphor about how relationships are like a chess match.
Captain Holt: Mm-hmm.
Amy: And it really convinced me.
Captain Holt: That was a strong observation.
Amy: So why don't you think of this profile photo as an epic chess move?
Captain Holt: Like Vladimirov's Thunderbolt of 1987. Close the door, Diaz. I'm removing my collar stays.

Rosa: All right, let's go.
Adrian Pimento: Yeah. I gotta drop you off and then I have a plane to catch.
Rosa: What, where are you going?
Adrian Pimento: Ugh. I took this job protecting a diamond mine in Northern Canada that's being terrorized by a pack of wolves? Apparently it's "illegal to shoot them" so I have to tear them apart limb from limb.
Rosa: How long you going for?
Adrian Pimento: As long as it takes me to find the alpha, kill it, take control of the pack, and then completely decimate the diamond mine. [laughs] Total double cross. All right, let's ride!
Both: Bye, Amy. [drive off]
Amy: No, wait. Rosa, no, no, you can't leave me here! This wasn't part of the plan! Or was this exactly the plan?

Captain Holt: No, like the famed weapon of the sea, forged by the Cyclops for Poseidon himself. The trident has three prongs, like my approach.
Jake: Ah, not to interrupt, but Aquaman's trident has five prongs.
Captain Holt: That's absurd. The prefix tri means three. What this aquatic-man carries is better termed a "pentadent."
Jake: No, it's a trident. They call it that in the original theatrical release and the Snyder cut. So you're 100% wrong, and everyone's laughing at you.
Captain Holt: Well, regardless, Operation Trident has three prongs. Prong one, Boyle and Peralta.
Jake: Oh, nice, the most important prong.
Charles: Mm-hmm.
Captain Holt: Wrong. Prong two, the center prong, is the most important prong on a trident. It's the longest and straightest and breaks the least often.
Jake: Are you just mad because I questioned you about the Aquaman thing?
Captain Holt: Yes.

Jake: Hello? Hello? Is there anyone here? Mlepnos?
Mlepnos: No.
Jake: What? Yeah. You played violin at my wedding. You're Mlepnos!
Mlepnos: No, my name is Jerry. Jerry Barfralatistan.
Jake: What? It doesn't matter. I need your help. Can you please hand me the keys that are down there?
Mlepnos: Yeah, yeah, yes. Thank you, I love keys.
Jake: Oh...
Mlepnos: And this is for you. [soft chirping]
Jake: What?
Mlepnos: As they say in my country, a chicky for a key.
Jake: Right. And what country is that again?
Mlepnos: Honolulu.
Jake: Okay. You know, if it's all the same, I'd really just rather have the key.
Mlepnos: You no want chicky? I don't want key.
Jake: Oh, perfect. Yes! Thank you, Mlepnos.
Mlepnos: No, it's Jerry... Barkakanatsan.
Jake: I feel like maybe you said it a little different the first time.

Captain Holt: We're adding intimidation to the charges against you.
Jake: I know, you're both mad and disappointed.
Captain Holt: I'm neither. I'm displeased.
Jake: Is that worse?
Captain Holt: Yes. Of my 16 potential reactions, only one is stronger, and you should be thankful you've never seen me huffy.

Charles: Really never seen Speed, sir? Keanu Reeves, Sandy Bullock, Jeff Daniels at the height of his sexual powers?

Sergeant Jeffords: Peralta, there's a call for you.
Jake: Oh, is it a casting agent from Double Dare? I submitted it as a kid. Maybe they're finally calling to put me on the show.
Sergeant Jeffords: You think they'd be calling 30 years later?
Jake: All right, fine. I also submitted to the reboot.

Rosa: Hey, did Kevin seem weird to you when we told him we were only there for that book?
Captain Holt: You think he didn't believe us?
Rosa: No, he seemed sad. I think he was disappointed that you were there for the book and not for him. Maybe you should let him know you've been missing him.
Captain Holt: Huh, well, it might be worth a shot.
Rosa: What did you just do?
Captain Holt: I texted him a picture of my penis, like you suggested.
Rosa: No. Ugh! I meant for you to call him and tell him you've been thinking about him.
Captain Holt: Why didn't you say that?
Rosa: I thought it was understood.
Captain Holt: Hold on. He's writing back.
Rosa: Well, what did he say?
Captain Holt: It's a link to a graph. It's a scatter plot with a very robust data set. Well... [chuckles] That escalated quickly.

Captain Holt: Peralta, we need to talk.
Jake: I know. You're not mad. You're just disappointed.
Captain Holt: I'm actually both mad and disappointed.
Jake: What? You can't be both! You are either Mad Dad or Sad Dad... pick a lane.

Charles: Ah, Jake, I'm sorry you didn't get your perfect goodbye.
Jake: Yeah. This whole thing did kinda turn into a scalding hot mess. But to be honest, I think I just wanted a big dramatic moment so that I wouldn't feel sad. Because goodbyes are inherently sad. They mean that something's ending. And this one is especially sad because what we had was so great. But it's not all sad, right? We're moving on to things that we love. And we'll always have the memories of our times together, even though Hitchcock won the heist, which makes me so mad I wanna swallow my own tongue and die.
Captain Holt: It's a disgrace.
Jake: Anyways, I say we hang out, have a drink, and enjoy all of us being together one last time. To the squad.
All: To the squad.
Gina: You just drank cement! [all spit out]
Sergeant Jeffords: Why?

Rosa: Well, that should keep him busy for a bit.
Charles: That was smart, but I don't think we should mess with Cheddar too much.
Rosa: Why not? He's an animal.
Charles: Animals can be very vengeful, Rosa.
Rosa: Is this about Lieutenant...
Charles: Of course it's about Lieutenant Peanut Butter.
Rosa: Yeah.