Charles: Did you see those tears? No way he did it.
Jake: Are you serious? Anyone can fake cry. You just have to think of something sad. Like that episode of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles when Leonardo was in a coma.
Charles: And that works?
Jake: Yeah. Yeah, it does.

Sergeant Jeffords: Amy, he's your captain. You act like it's some romantic relationship.
Amy: You know what, Terry? You're right. It is like a romantic relationship.
Sergeant Jeffords: That's what you got from what I said?
Amy: Do you still have that relationship book from when you and Sharon were having issues?
Sergeant Jeffords: That book was about sex. And it's actually Scully's. But I bet Scully also ordered some relationship books when Scully got himself that sex book for Scully.
Amy: Just own the sex book thing.
Sergeant Jeffords: You want my help or not?
Amy: Fine. Can you please get Scully's relationship book that is obviously not yours?
Sergeant Jeffords: Weird that you're asking me to do it, but okay. I'll see what I can do.

Captain Holt: I'm gonna check those CompStat numbers right now. I'm just gonna click on this video link entitled "Handyman fixes squeaky door, [bleep] customer."
Jake: Oh, my God.

Jake: The plan was lure everyone to the Brooklyn Bridge and give you all gifts. So, here's yours.
Charles: Oh!
Jake: The dummy tubes just unscrew.
Charles: Okay. The most recent issue of Fancy Brudgom magazine?
Jake: You know how you always wanted them to do a Fancy Bedste Venner feature on us?
Charles: Yeah, but that's just for the fanciest best friends.
Jake: Turn to page 63.
Charles: Oh, my God, you didn't. You did! We're Fancy Bedste Venners!
Jake: We're Fancy Bedste Venners!
Both: We're Fancy Bedste Venners!

Jake: What did Kevin say? Is everything okay?
Captain Holt: No. We just had a knock-down, drag-out fight.
[flashback:]
Captain Holt: My calendar had the Lake House as free.
Kevin: Strange. Mine had it as unoccupied.
Captain Holt: Well, it seems we're at an impasse.
Kevin: I would call it more of a deadlock.
[present:]
Captain Holt: He gets in such good zingers.

Rosa: So you lost a Speed That sucks. At least you didn't have a Sister Act taken from you.
[flashback:]
Captain Holt: Bracco confessed. The undercover operation is over.
Rosa: But I just got a spot in the choir.
[present:]
Jake: Wait, is that the real reason you left the force?
Rosa: It didn't help.

Rosa: We wanted to apologize.
Amy: And if you wanna gloat about how you outsmarted us, go ahead. We deserve it.
Captain Holt: I won't be doing any gloating. I mean, I did last night. I went home and had a drink to toast to your humiliation. But it didn't feel right, because I had no one to toast with, no one to share my glee. I had won, but I was alone. And I realized, this is exactly what I'm doing to Kevin. Trying to win therapy. And it hit me. I care so much about winning that I've lost everything.
Rosa: Tell Kevin how you feel.
Amy: It's raining. You could run to him.
Captain Holt: This is the real world, Santiago. Relationships end in unsatisfying ways every day. People don't run to each other in the rain.
Kevin: [o.s.] Raymond! Raymond Holt!
Captain Holt: Kevin?
Kevin: Raymond!

Charles: Oh, my God. I'm too late. You're already seduced by Doug Judy's wiles.
Jake: Okay, I appreciate the concern, but Doug has changed. This was an old crime, and he's already owned up to it. He's not trying to escape.
Charles: He's already out of his handcuffs.
Jake: Just so we can do our sweet-ass outfit change.
Doug Judy: Tigers and toucans!
Jake: Tigers and toucans!
Charles: Obviously, they're fantastic, but Jake, by trusting him, you're putting your job on the line, which means you're also putting my job on the line.
Jake: How so?
Charles: Because if you get fired, I will swim out into the ocean until I'm too tired to swim back and I will sink to the bottom and then I won't have a job.
Jake: Oh, my God.

Charles: Really never seen Speed, sir? Keanu Reeves, Sandy Bullock, Jeff Daniels at the height of his sexual powers?

Justice of the Peace: We are gathered here to affirm the marriage of Raymond Holt and Kevin Cozner.
Kevin: We don't have to do this. Everyone who's not family has already gone home, and we need to hurry.
Captain Holt: No, this is important. Kevin Cozner... when we first got married, I thought of it primarily as a legal contract, which is why I memorized the entire federal tax code 301.7701-18, definitions pertaining to marriage.
Jake: And yet he can't remember Mac's name.
Captain Holt: But I finally learned what marriage really is. It's not something you can memorize or an equation you can solve for. It's the feeling you get when you look in your partner's eyes. And that feeling is all that matters. Which is why I will now purge tax code 301.7701-18 from my memory so that I will have room to remember this moment forever. It's done.
Kevin: Oh, Raymond.
Justice of the Peace: Raymond Holt, do you promise to continue to live in this marriage for richer or poorer, through sickness and in health as long as you two both shall live?
Captain Holt: I do. And, Kevin...
Kevin: Yes, yes, we're still married. We really have to go.

Jake: My point is, Kevin knew it wasn't a corn crake, but he went to it anyway.
Sergeant Jeffords: Because he was going to you, not the bird! He still loves you! Our plan worked!
Jake: Our plan?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah! Terry is off the hedge and on the ledge!
Captain Holt: Well, that means a lot, coming from you Jeffords, given how much you hate ledges.
Jake: People don't know about Terry hating ledges! This is new!

Sergeant Jeffords: You made me meet with a fake person just so you could trick me into sitting out the heist? That interview was important! It's my shot to become captain! I bought fancy new suspenders for this, with gold thread! I can't return them because I've already stretched them out with my pecs. They've been pec-stretched!

Kevin: You tricked us into coming to the Lake House at the same time. You did a Das Doppelte Lottchen.
Jake: What? I don't know what that is.
Captain Holt: Das Doppelte Lottchen!
Jake: I'm only half.
Captain Holt: It's a German novel about a set of twins who try to reunite their estranged parents.
Jake: That's the Parent Trap! I knew my stratagem had classy origins.

Captain Holt: So, you're leaving. That must've been a hard decision.
Jake: Honestly... [looks at Amy] It wasn't.
Captain Holt: It's funny. On my first day here, I asked Jeffords to tell me about everyone. He told me you were a great detective, but the one thing you couldn't figure out was how to grow up. Well... I think you've finally figured it out.
Jake: Well, thank you, sir. I couldn't have done it without you.
Captain Holt: Over the years, you've sometimes referred to me as something of a father figure.
Jake: Did I? I didn't realize that.
Captain Holt: But I want you to know if I had had a son and, uh, he had turned out like you, I would be very proud of him.
Jake: Thank you, sir. Wow. Wasn't expecting to get this emotional.
Captain Holt: It's not bad for an old robot, huh? Beep-borp. Zeep.
Jake: [chuckles] Sir, did you just make a joke?
Captain Holt: I believe I did, yes. I guess in the end, we rubbed off on each other quite a bit. Title of your sex movie. Did I do that right?
Jake: It was perfect. [both chuckle softly]

Charles: Anyway, thanks for coming with me to the funeral. I think we're all packed. I just got to go grab the coffin.
Sergeant Jeffords: Wait, why are you bringing the coffin?
Charles: I brought a coffin to my nana's funeral on a whim, and it was a big hit. So now, guess who's the coffin cousin?