Doug Judy: I'm not trying to escape from you. I'm trying to escape from prison. Let me ask you this. Do you know why I stole that car?
Jake: Because you "love doing crimes." That's me directly quoting your catchphrase.
Doug Judy: First of all, my catchphrase is "slurp, slurp."
Jake: You've never once said that.
Doug Judy: I say it constantly. Second of all, me "loving crime" is classic empty bravado. The truth is I was arrested when I was 22 for something stupid. When I got out, nobody would hire me because I had a criminal record. My dreams of being a landscape architect were out the window.
Jake: That was your dream?
Doug Judy: I wanted to be the Black Edward Scissorhands.
Charles: Oh, that's great.

Charles: Here it is. Pappy Boyle's farm. I spent every summer here as a kid.
Jake: Got to say, it's nicer than I was expecting.
Charles: Pappy did well for himself. He went to business school in New York. He got a job in Wall Street. And one day his hand got caught in a subway door. And he was dragged from Times Square into Queens. Largest settlement in city history.

Jake: What did Kevin say? Is everything okay?
Captain Holt: No. We just had a knock-down, drag-out fight.
[flashback:]
Captain Holt: My calendar had the Lake House as free.
Kevin: Strange. Mine had it as unoccupied.
Captain Holt: Well, it seems we're at an impasse.
Kevin: I would call it more of a deadlock.
[present:]
Captain Holt: He gets in such good zingers.

Charles: Really never seen Speed, sir? Keanu Reeves, Sandy Bullock, Jeff Daniels at the height of his sexual powers?

Captain Holt: I'm gonna check those CompStat numbers right now. I'm just gonna click on this video link entitled "Handyman fixes squeaky door, [bleep] customer."
Jake: Oh, my God.

Charles: Oh, my God. I'm too late. You're already seduced by Doug Judy's wiles.
Jake: Okay, I appreciate the concern, but Doug has changed. This was an old crime, and he's already owned up to it. He's not trying to escape.
Charles: He's already out of his handcuffs.
Jake: Just so we can do our sweet-ass outfit change.
Doug Judy: Tigers and toucans!
Jake: Tigers and toucans!
Charles: Obviously, they're fantastic, but Jake, by trusting him, you're putting your job on the line, which means you're also putting my job on the line.
Jake: How so?
Charles: Because if you get fired, I will swim out into the ocean until I'm too tired to swim back and I will sink to the bottom and then I won't have a job.
Jake: Oh, my God.

Justice of the Peace: We are gathered here to affirm the marriage of Raymond Holt and Kevin Cozner.
Kevin: We don't have to do this. Everyone who's not family has already gone home, and we need to hurry.
Captain Holt: No, this is important. Kevin Cozner... when we first got married, I thought of it primarily as a legal contract, which is why I memorized the entire federal tax code 301.7701-18, definitions pertaining to marriage.
Jake: And yet he can't remember Mac's name.
Captain Holt: But I finally learned what marriage really is. It's not something you can memorize or an equation you can solve for. It's the feeling you get when you look in your partner's eyes. And that feeling is all that matters. Which is why I will now purge tax code 301.7701-18 from my memory so that I will have room to remember this moment forever. It's done.
Kevin: Oh, Raymond.
Justice of the Peace: Raymond Holt, do you promise to continue to live in this marriage for richer or poorer, through sickness and in health as long as you two both shall live?
Captain Holt: I do. And, Kevin...
Kevin: Yes, yes, we're still married. We really have to go.

Sergeant Jeffords: Amy, he's your captain. You act like it's some romantic relationship.
Amy: You know what, Terry? You're right. It is like a romantic relationship.
Sergeant Jeffords: That's what you got from what I said?
Amy: Do you still have that relationship book from when you and Sharon were having issues?
Sergeant Jeffords: That book was about sex. And it's actually Scully's. But I bet Scully also ordered some relationship books when Scully got himself that sex book for Scully.
Amy: Just own the sex book thing.
Sergeant Jeffords: You want my help or not?
Amy: Fine. Can you please get Scully's relationship book that is obviously not yours?
Sergeant Jeffords: Weird that you're asking me to do it, but okay. I'll see what I can do.

Kevin: Raymond, am I too late?
Captain Holt: Too late?
Kevin: My friend saw your dating profile and your photo without collar stays. I thought I'd lost you.
Captain Holt: You will never lose me. I'll do anything to keep you. I'll compromise on everything. The work, the... [Kevin kisses Holt]
Rosa: Nancy Meyers never fails.
Amy: Now that we're doing it, it feels kinda weird to be staring at your friends while they kiss.
Scully: Are you kidding? It's beautiful.
Captain Holt: I love you.
Kevin: I love you.

Kevin: You tricked us into coming to the Lake House at the same time. You did a Das Doppelte Lottchen.
Jake: What? I don't know what that is.
Captain Holt: Das Doppelte Lottchen!
Jake: I'm only half.
Captain Holt: It's a German novel about a set of twins who try to reunite their estranged parents.
Jake: That's the Parent Trap! I knew my stratagem had classy origins.

Sergeant Jeffords: Can't you see? You all want the same thing, a perfect goodbye. But you're all getting in each other's way. We are the Nine-Nine, and we work best together. And we're getting out of here together. So we're gonna find that tube and we're gonna be crowned Grand Champions of the Nine-Nine together!
Caroline Saint-Jacques Renard: Except for the ugly one that made fun of my cello.
Sergeant Jeffords: Not now, Caroline Saint-Jacques Renard.
Captain Holt: I agree with Jeffords. Read the room, Caroline Saint-Jacques Renard.
Rosa: Great speech, Terry, but we're kind of trapped in here.
Sergeant Jeffords: Not for long. I'm gonna Kool-Aid Man us the hell out of here.
Jake: I thought you said that was impossible.
Sergeant Jeffords: It's not, I just find it demeaning. It's actually very easy.
Jake: Ah!
Sergeant Jeffords: [crashing] Oh, yeah!
Jake: Oh, yes! Now go through that wall!
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm not doing any more walls, Jake, we're free.
Jake: Fair enough, I had to ask.

Charles: Anyway, thanks for coming with me to the funeral. I think we're all packed. I just got to go grab the coffin.
Sergeant Jeffords: Wait, why are you bringing the coffin?
Charles: I brought a coffin to my nana's funeral on a whim, and it was a big hit. So now, guess who's the coffin cousin?

Jake: What are you doing?
Charles: What are you doing? Why are you alone with a criminal who's escaped you multiple times?
Jake: Seems like a loaded question.
Charles: Oh, that's not even half my load.

Rosa: We wanted to apologize.
Amy: And if you wanna gloat about how you outsmarted us, go ahead. We deserve it.
Captain Holt: I won't be doing any gloating. I mean, I did last night. I went home and had a drink to toast to your humiliation. But it didn't feel right, because I had no one to toast with, no one to share my glee. I had won, but I was alone. And I realized, this is exactly what I'm doing to Kevin. Trying to win therapy. And it hit me. I care so much about winning that I've lost everything.
Rosa: Tell Kevin how you feel.
Amy: It's raining. You could run to him.
Captain Holt: This is the real world, Santiago. Relationships end in unsatisfying ways every day. People don't run to each other in the rain.
Kevin: [o.s.] Raymond! Raymond Holt!
Captain Holt: Kevin?
Kevin: Raymond!

Captain Holt: Why did I send Kevin an obscene picture?
Rosa: Relax. It's not a big deal. You were just flirting.
Captain Holt: No, if I were flirting, I would have sent him a scatter plot of educational attainment versus caloric intake in Jacobin France. This is as if I've sent him a bar graph.
Rosa: Are bar graphs bad?
Captain Holt: It reduces robust data sets to a single point. Get your head out of your ass!