Jake: All right, there's no windows. You can go in. But leave the door open, and I'm hanging on to this [hairdryer].
Doug Judy: What in the world would I do with that?
Jake: Point it at my face until my eyeballs dry out and I lose my sense of sight. Then shove it in my mouth, so I can't yell for help, and finally run out the front door and disappear forever.
Doug Judy: Nah, I was just gonna use it to dry my undercarriage later.

Doug Judy: Since I'm going to jail, I wanna enjoy my time left on the outside.
Put me up in a five-star hotel like the Royce. Unlimited room service and minibar privileges.
Captain Holt: Three-star hotel like the Brooklyner. $60 a day meal allowance. No minibar.
Doug Judy: Four-star hotel like the Oneida. $200 on food. No minibar or alcohol, but I get to go crazy on candy and nuts.

Captain Holt: I just got off the phone with the DA.
And for aiding in the capture of George Judy, you have officially been granted immunity from all your past crimes.
Doug Judy: So I'm a free man?
Captain Holt: Mm.
Doug Judy: (INHALES DEEPLY) Nope, still smells the same.

Doug Judy: What is my least favorite thing?
Jake: Meringue because it looks so much better than it tastes.
Doug Judy: It's a trick food!

Trudy Judy: There's just one problem. I don't have the car. I already handed it off to a fence.
Doug Judy: Oh, Trudy Judy, you screwed me.

Doug Judy: Here's what I wanna say, though: I'm sorry I won't be at your wedding. But I did record you a CD of original smush jams that will consummate the marriage.

Doug Judy: Sorry, I just get so overprotective. She's such a good kid. I guarantee you, she didn't steal those cars.
Sergeant Jeffords: We caught her sitting in a Bentley with a power amplifier and a homemade override plugged into the CAN bus.
Doug Judy: Yeah, she guilty.

Jake: What the hell? I thought you went straight?
Doug Judy: I did. I'm a high-end car broker now. I procure luxury vehicles for the rich and famous and I do it legally. Last week I dropped off a Bugatti to the kid with the lisp from "Stranger Things".
Jake: You met Dustin? Was he cool? Do him and the rest of the gang hang out in real life? You know what? No. We are not chatting right now. You have three hostages.

Rosa: All right, big sugar. Four-star hotel room, you happy?
Doug Judy: Okay, okay. Okay, flat screen TV. King-sized bed. Hangers you can take off the rod? This is what's up. This place is nice. We should settle down here, Rosa. Now if y'all excuse me, I'ma go freshen up. I'm feeling stanky.

Jake: [on the phone] Well, look, I guess I'm happy that you're happy.
Doug Judy: Well, I owe it all to you.
Jake: What do you mean?
Doug Judy: I think you know what I mean.
Jake: Nope, no idea.
Doug Judy: Really? Because after we hugged goodbye, I noticed your pen was in my pocket.
Jake: Oh, that's weird. It was?
Doug Judy: Uh-huh, and then I used it to mind freak myself out of my cuffs and then out of jail.
Jake: Well, then I guess it's certainly lucky that it ended up in your pocket. Doug Judy: I wonder how it got there.
Jake: Yeah. Well, I guess we'll never know.
Doug Judy: Well, however it got there, I'm glad it did. I love you, Peralta.
Jake: Love you, too, Judy.
Doug Judy: Tigers and toucs!
Jake: Tigers and toucs.

Jake: Hey! Hey there, friends. I tried to flag down your taxi as you were leaving the police station. It was actually funny, 'cause we made a lot of eye contact, but you just drove off. Anyways, I'm here now. We can go.
Doug Judy: You want us to take you back to New York after you got my friends arrested?
Trudy Judy: Nuh-uh, you flying commercial, son.
Doug Judy: I hope you get a middle seat.
Trudy Judy: I hope they charge you for your carry-ons.
Doug Judy: I hope you sit next to someone chatty.
Trudy Judy: Someone going through something real hard.
Doug Judy: I hope the pilot makes an announcement during the emotional climax of the movie you're watching.
Trudy Judy: Ooh, you nasty!
Jake: Damn, Doug and Trudy Judy.

Chuck: It's just weird that none of us have ever heard of him before.
Nathan: And we're paranoid because Doug still has that cop friend in the NYPD.
Doug Judy: That dude is not my friend.
Jake: Yeah.
Doug Judy: He dumb as hell.
Jake: Yeah.
Doug Judy: I'm always tricking him.
Jake: Well, not every time.
Doug Judy: Plus, he's short.
Jake: Everyone's short to you. You're a giant.
Doug Judy: Probably never even had sex.
Jake: Seems unlikely. He's an adult. But the point is, I'm Sean. Tall Sean.

Doug Judy: About time you smiled, Jake. You've been a real tang in the mud.

Doug Judy: I'm so glad you called. Thanks for meeting me at my favorite establishment.
Jake: A place where you paint pottery?
Doug Judy: I find a hand-painted mug makes a thoughtful gift for any occasion.

Doug Judy: Oh, one last thing. Diaz has to be nice to me. I want her to call me big sugar.
Jake: Ha, hugh mistake, bud. She'll never agree to that.
Rosa: No, I'm in. Let's do this, big sugar.