Jake: Now if you'll excuse me, I got to drive this Bee-otch back to work.
Captain Holt: What?
Jake: Oh, sorry. This is the Ikura Bee-otch 5,000. Brand-new model. Just came in. I was gonna go for the 10,000, but that Bee-otch is way too fancy.

Amy: You tased me!
Jake: You tased me first!
Sergeant Jeffords: Enough! Terry's had enough of this. This was supposed to be just a fun game but it's turned you all into terrible people. Betraying your husband, putting your friend in the mail. Jake and Amy, did you guys buy each other any gifts this year that weren't tasers?
Jake: No.
Amy: No.
Sergeant Jeffords: You all pretended that this was all about helping me with my test. But none of you cared one bit. You know what? You all suck!
Jake: [BEEPING] Oh no, my voice command. Terry, look out!
Sergeant Jeffords: [GROANS]
Jake: Okay. I know that was bad, but let's not jump to any conclusions about whose fault it was.
Band: [singing] Jacob Peralta, Jacob Peralta This was all his clever plan. Jacob Peralta-
Jake: Wow, what a fun improvised song.

Charles: "Extra ranch, no tomato, no cilantro." These are just a list of modifications on a signature salad from Panera.
Jake: Okay, this one says, "Buy toilet paper" in a truly gigantic font. I hate to think of the horrific event that led to a reminder of this size.

Jake: I hereby christen thee Snackie Chan.

Charles: So, it sounds like you're isolated and haven't had any chance to make new friends.
Jake: Well, my cellmate, Caleb, is okay.
Charles: Just remember he's in prison. No matter how small the crime, people don't change and don't deserve second chances.
Jake: Charles, relax. I'm not gonna replace you.

Doug Judy: [clears throat] Do you know who this is? This is Matt Daniel, the most popular male ASMR performer on Twitch.
Georgina: ASMR performer?
Doug Judy: Someone who speaks real soft.
Jake: [whispers] I also crinkle paper.
Doug Judy: We're trying to stream and the noise on the eighth floor is unacceptable.
Jake: [whispers] My fans can't hear my mouth sounds.
Georgina: I'm so sorry, I can't hear you.
Jake: [whispers] That's the point, Georgina.
Doug Judy: He says that's the point, Georgina. This is taking too long. Make a video. Tell your 25 million subscribers to never stay at this crap hotel.
Georgina: No, no, no. I'll take care of it. Let me talk to my general manager.
Jake: [whispers] You better run.
Doug Judy: Matt, don't yell. You'll strain your beautiful voice.

Jake: Okay, fine. You want to know why I really don't want to have children? I had a crappy dad. I know what happens when you mess up as a parent. It's not great. And this may come as a shock to you, but I kind of have some dad issues with certain people.
Amy: Holt.
Captain Holt: Me.
Kevin: [v.o.] Raymond.

Jake: So you risked everything to get me and Rosa out of prison? Oh, my God.
You did all of this for us? [EXHALES] I love you, Da-aptain. Daptain. It's the cool new way of saying Captain. It's from the world of hip-hop. Love you.

Jake: Captain, do I have a tell?
Captain Holt: No, you don't understand the game well enough to have a tell.
Jake: Yeah, that makes sense.

Jake: Holt went to bed early 'cause his big speech is in the morning.
Sergeant Jeffords: Well, how do you know he's in for the night?
Jake: Because his breakfast order is hanging on the doorknob. Water, comma, hot. Muffin, comma, English. And that means it's time for us to hard, comma, party.

Jake: What is happening?
Captain Holt: I'm defusing the situation.
Jake: Whoa dancing captain. Must capture image of a lifetime! Oh, why is my phone always dead? I paid $13 for it!

Amy: No, practice exams are worthless. The testing conditions are way too pristine. There's nothing to distract you. I mean, look around. A child could pass the frickin' MCAT in here.
Jake: I knew you would say that, which is why I've asked these officers to do their paperwork in here while you take the test. He writes way too loudly.
She's always yawning. He has a gross cold. IBS, IBS. She has a weird arm-stretching thing. IBS, IBS, and Hitchcock and Scully with two hours worth of potato chips.
Amy: Oh, my God, it's gonna be crinkle-city.
Hitchcock: Jake said we get to eat with our mouths open.
Scully: [chuckles] What a day!

Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, Gina's prepping inside. You get some rest last night?
Jake: Yeah, because I got home from our 9:30 drinks at 9:41. I was in bed by 10:00. Then I looked at my phone for another two hours, so actually I didn't sleep very well.

Jake: Judy wasn't lying. That's Halloway. We gotta arrest him.
Doug Judy: Jake, he's running.
Jake: Come on, man.
Dennis Cole: Only if I get the collar and 100% of the credit.
Jake: Are you negotiating right now?
Dennis Cole: Always.
Jake: Okay, that was actually a really cool thing to say. All right, let's do it.

Captain Holt: Now go get Valdano before you blow your covers. I'm off duty; what I do on my own time is my own business. Unlike you two who are still on the clock and are now being bad cops.
Jake: Wow, listen to you talking all smooth. But you can't fool us, sir. You might as well face it. You're addicted to math. Robert Palmer.