Sergeant Jeffords: [on alarm app] Terry loves waking up. Terry loves waking up. Terry...
Sergeant Jeffords: Good morning, honey, time to... [screams] What the hell are you doing?
Jake: It's Holt and Amy's last day, so we're having a final heist! It's heist day!
Sergeant Jeffords: Couldn't you have just sent an email?
Jake: Nope, this was the only way. I have to go alert the others. See you soon!
[later, as Rosa opens her refrigerator:]
Jake: It's heist day, Rosa! [Rosa screams] Whoops, sorry about your milk. Gotta go!
[later, as Charles goes to wake Nikolaj up:]
Charles: Niko, it's time for school.
Jake: It's heist day, Charles!
Charles: Where's Nikolaj?
Jake: He's crying in the closet! Gotta go!
[later, as Amy walks into their bathroom:]
Amy: Babe, what are you doing?
Jake: I was hiding so I could surprise you. But if you're here, then who's in our shower?
Captain Holt: It's me, Captain Holt. It's heist day, Jake.
All: Oh!

Jake: Nothing makes sense anymore. The Vulture's not the Vulture, good is bad, up is down, there's a young pope, winter has come. That reminds me: I ordered some premium cable channels.

Jake: Hey, what happened?
Officer Rick: Someone lost control of their car, jumped the curb, went through the fence, and rammed into the transformer. Guy must have been drunk. There was an empty bottle of vodka on the floor of the car.
Jake: Okay, Charles, I see two possibilities. One, he was vaporized into a being of pure electricity, becoming a supervillain known only as "The Surge Freak."
Officer Rick: Seems unlikely.
Jake: Yeah, I know, Officer Rick, that's why I said there were two possibilities. He probably just hobbled off so he wouldn't get a DUI. Here, we'll follow this very obvious trail of blood. Happy now? Stupid Officer Rick and his stupid joyless approach to life. Come on.

Jake: What is happening?
Captain Holt: I'm defusing the situation.
Jake: Whoa dancing captain. Must capture image of a lifetime! Oh, why is my phone always dead? I paid $13 for it!

Captain Holt: We need to get that key. How are you at picking pockets?
Jake: Does this answer your question?
Captain Holt: Whose wallet is that?
Jake: It's mine. But it came out so smooth I barely even felt it. All right, fine, I'm terrible at pickpocketing.

Rosa: Hey, man. We gotta be cool, all right? I know you have some fantasy about being a movie star.
Jake: I don't fantasize about being a movie star. I fantasize about meeting one. And being invited to a party at George Clooney's villa, where he pranks me and then we prank Matt Damon together and then Damon's like "Peralta, you got the goods. You're gonna be the star of my next movie." Wait, maybe I do want to be a movie star.

Jake: Pimping out your kids? I hate to say this, but you two are acting like bad dads, and I should know. One time my father forgot to pick me up from school 'cause he was having sex with my best friend's mom.
Charles: Oh, my God. That's terrible.
Jake: Yeah. I was 15. I just walked to the mall and watched "Empire Records" by myself, but the point is, you're both acting ridiculous.

Amy: Why do we keep hurting each other?
Jake: I don't know. Maybe I'm overthinking it. It just feels like we're not-
Amy: On the same page.
Jake: Clicking. That was basically the same thing. I count that.

Jake: Thank you guys so much for coming. I can't wait to catch up with all of you when this is done.
Hitchcock: My dad died, and-
Jake: Again, when this is done, Hitchcock.

Jake: Great. That means he'll definitely testify against Figgis, and you know what that means: time for celebration candy bars! Stupid hospital vending machines didn't have alcohol for some weird reason.

Samuel Miller: Prosecution claims you stole $26 million, but they can't trace that money to you in any way.
Jake: Yeah, I have negative $73 in my bank account. Ba-boom!
Amy: I'm somehow embarrassed and proud of you at the same time.
Jake: Yeah, that's my sweet spot.

Captain Holt: Okay, welcome to trivia night.
Kylie: You said you would never bring him again.
Amy: Don't worry, it's gonna be fine, I promise.
Jake: Is it?
Captain Holt: Tonight's first category, by special request, the "Transformers" movies.
Jake: Yes!
Captain Holt: Question one. What is the name of the evil race of Transformers?
Jake: The robot bad robot. Oh, God, I don't know.
Kylie: Damn it, Jake!
Jake: I'm sorry, I can't take the trivia "presh"! Why couldn't you have just given me the three minutes?

Jake: I did, and there's been a change of plans. I'm gonna take a rain check on the champagne, but it was wonderful seeing you.
Gina: Why are you talking like a flight attendant?
Jake: This is how I always talk when everything is okay. Which it is right now. Please enjoy the rest of your day.

Gordon Lundt: I've been sent here to spy on you.
Jake: What? I am truly shocked.
Captain Holt: We are both shocked.
Gordon Lundt: Commissioner Kelly knows you're recruiting a team of captains to oppose him. He asked me to find out who they are. But I've decided I won't help him.
Captain Holt: Why not?
Gordon Lundt: Because I've fallen in love with you.
Jake: What? That is truly shocking. For real this time. What?

Jake: Look, even if we were lying about having a witness-
Philip Davidson: Which you are. The neighbor's dead.
Jake: No, it could've been a squatter, or a hunter, or a squatting hunter. Not all hunters have homes.