Scully: Oh my God, Jake, who's flying the plane?
Jake: Co-pilot, Scully, co-pilot.

Jake: Hey, you guys see the dude I brought in today The drug dealer? I think it's the oldest collar of my entire career.
Amy: I once arrested a 96-year-old for flashing. I was terrified he'd die in my backseat. Or flash me.
Rosa: My oldest collar was 78, but the PCP made her fight like she was 20.
Scully: What about two fifty-year-old twins? Does that count as a 100-year-old?

Captain Holt: What's going on here?
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm throwing Teri-with-an-I's party with my own money. I didn't know her favorite kind of ice cream, so I printed a photo of her and showed it to all the ice cream places within 30 blocks. Nobody recognized her, so I got every flavor, 200 pints.
Scully: This is the greatest day of my life.
Captain Holt: Have you considered this Teri-with-an-I might not be an ice cream person?
Sergeant Jeffords: I did think that. That's why there's a taco bar coming.
Scully: Yes!
Sergeant Jeffords: Plus barbecue.
Scully: Yes!
Sergeant Jeffords: Plus a popcorn guy.
Scully: [laughing] Yes!
Sergeant Jeffords: Plus vegan options.
Scully: Why?

Amy: Attention, squad.
Gina: Mm, pretty dainty way to make an announcement.
Amy: It's a workplace. I wanted to be respectful.
Scully: Well, as someone at a high risk for a spook-related death, thank you.

Jake: That machine's been here for ever. It's basically part of the force. Take Scully instead.
Scully: Yes, please. Take me to the land of vending machines.

Rosa: Are those thumbtacks? What the hell, Scully?
Scully: I thought they'd make good confetti.
Sergeant Jeffords: Why?

Charles: Anyway, sorry for calling you useless. I'm gonna make sure everyone knows you did good.
Scully: Boyle, please don't.
Hitchcock: The last thing we need is to suddenly be on everyone's A-list. The ones to watch. The golden boys.
Scully: A pair of red hot dicks.
Charles: No one calls detectives that any more.
Scully: People called detectives that?

Jake: All right, anyone else have questions? Hitchcock, Scully, you've been weirdly silent.
Scully: We didn't want to say anything that would get us uninvited.

Captain Holt: Detectives, our monthly crime statistics are due. I want all paperwork on your closed cases by tomorrow. Scully, you can just write "I didn't close any" on a piece of paper.
Scully: You got it.

Rosa: I got rifles, vests, flash grenades-
Scully: Chips, dips, ice cream sammies-
Amy: I'm pretty sure there's gonna be snacks in Florida, Scully.
Scully: Pretty sure? Do you arrest someone if you're pretty sure they're guilty? No, Amy, you wait till you get all the facts!

Scully: Oh, I could take that shift.
Captain Holt: The last time you worked a Saturday you watched cartoons the entire time.
Scully: Well that's when they're on.

Scully: Hi guys. There's good news and there's bad news. The bad news is my salt water taffy place was closed.
Captain Holt: And the good news?
Scully: Whitman's alibi checked out. Security footage from Torque shows he was there.
Jake: That's not good news. That's bad news.
Scully: Right, that is bad news. It's on me. Sorry.

Rosa: I'll be back. Don't move.
Scully: Not a problem. I hate moving.

Hitchcock: How dare you, sir? Do you really think we would leak information on purpose?
Gina: No. We think you're dum-dums and you did it by accident.
Hitchcock: Oh. Well, that's very possible.
Scully: Yeah, I could see that.

Hitchcock: Hey, Captain, something's going on with this heist. You tell us everything you know, and we'll tell you everything we know.
Captain Holt: I'd rather not.
Scully: [CHUCKLES] Jokes on you, we don't know anything.
Captain Holt: Well, good day then.