Captain Holt: Hello, you've reached the office of Raymond Holt. I can come to the phone right now.

Amy: Okay, the topic today is whether or not we should have children. I will be taking the affirmative. You will be taking the negative. Each round will be individually scored by our judge, Captain Holt.
Captain Holt: Do you need to hear my credentials? Debate moderator license D as in delta, 8-1-0-
Jake: I believe you.
Captain Holt: Y as in Yankee, 4-1. J as in Juliet, J as in Juliet, 6.
Jake: Great.

Amy: So did they defuse the bomb?
Jake: Yeah, one of 'em. Oh, you didn't hear? There was a second bomb. Ya butt. Ya butt is da bomb.
Amy: Aww. On our anniversary.

Jake: Look, I get that you can't take any time off from work, but this is a loophole. It's still work. You know, we can hang out here and chat and catch up and laugh, and technically, we'll be doing our jobs. I call it a "casecation."
[singing] Casecation, all I ever wanted-
Amy: Ooh.
Jake: [singing] Casecation, had to get away

Captain Holt: This has become more about your employment status.As your supervisor, I feel I have a conflict of interest and should abstain from judging.
Jake: Okay, so do we both get a point?
Captain Holt: No. Kevin has been on the phone all this time. He's also a licensed debate moderator.
Kevin: [v.o.] License number J as in Juliet, 2-5-9-
Jake: This means nothing to me.
Kevin: [v.o.] H as in hotel. Z as in Zulu.
Jake: Oh, thank God he stopped.
Kevin: [v.o.] 3-6-9. Point to Amy.

Jake: All right, fine. Forget the study. I just don't want to lose what we already have.
Amy: Ask anyone with children and they'll tell you children bring meaning and love into your life. Yes, there may be some moments that you lose, but there will also be new moments. Take the water park. I would never go with you, but you know who would? Your kid.
Jake: Point to Amy.
Captain Holt: That's not your call to make, Peralta. [bell dings] Point to Amy.

Jake: Okay, fine. You want to know why I really don't want to have children? I had a crappy dad. I know what happens when you mess up as a parent. It's not great. And this may come as a shock to you, but I kind of have some dad issues with certain people.
Amy: Holt.
Captain Holt: Me.
Kevin: [v.o.] Raymond.

Captain Holt: Since this has become about me, I'm gonna have to abstain from this round as well, but Kevin is still standing by.
Kevin: Actually, I feel as though your personal relationship with Peralta affects me too. Luckily, I had Gail standing by as well.
Amy: [gasps] Oh, my God, you guys know Gail?
Jake: Who's Gail?
Kevin: Vice president of the Debaters Club.
Captain Holt: This is a very big deal.
Gail: [v.o.] Do you need to hear my credentials? License number U as in uniform, 7-

Jake: No! No more credentials, please. I don't want to have a structured debate.
It's an idiotic way to decide something.
Amy: What?
Captain Holt: How dare you?
Kevin: [v.o.] Is he insane?
Gail: [v.o.] Raymond, Kevin, I'll be reporting this.

Amy: It was the coldest night of the year, and you put socks on my feet while I slept. You never even took credit for it.
[present:]
Jake: But now I'm getting credit for that and for not taking credit. That's double credit, you fool.

Jake: This is about the fact that I don't want to bring a human being into this world unless I'm 100% sure that I'm ready to take care of it. Okay?
Gail: [v.o.] Too emotional. Point to Amy.
Jake: Okay, Gail is clearly biased. I think we need a new moderator.
Bob Templeman: [v.o.] Bob Templeman here.
Jake: What? How many people are on this phone call?

Amy: I'm sorry. The debate was a bad idea. I just- I felt ambushed by the fact that you didn't want kids, and I thought I could fix it with logic.
Jake: I mean, what if I had won the debate?
Amy: Jake, I'm trying so hard to be nice, but I don't know how to respond to that.
Jake: Cold-blooded but fair.

Jake: That's not a lot of time, Ames. I mean, that doesn't seem totally fair.
Amy: Well, now you know how I feel. Women don't have the luxury of waiting till we're 60 and then changing our minds and getting remarried and having a baby with some dumb 28-year-old.
Jake: Oh, come on. There's no way I'm gonna be rich enough that a 28-year-old is gonna want to be with me. Did that help?

Captain Holt: I have a variety of timers. Do you prefer a buzz or a ding?
Jake: Don't care.
Amy: Ding.

Captain Holt: Peralta, you can present the first argument from your, uh [scoffs] scribbled list of feelings.
Jake: I'll have you know that I have some data-driven arguments as well. According to a study I read, people with kids were less likely to report that they were happy in their lives than people without kids. Now, call me crazy, but being happy tends to make me feel, uh, pretty happy.
Amy: Where did you read this study?
Jake: Well, it wasn't something I read so much as told about.
Amy: And who told you about it?
Jake: Hitchcock.
Amy: Hitchcock?
Jake: Yeah.
Amy: That seems like a pretty intellectual thing for him to mention. What was the context?
Jake: He had invested in a NuvaRing competitor called Vag-a-Plug and was practicing his sales pitch on me.
Amy: This is your first argument? Your opening statement?
[bell dings]
Captain Holt: Point to Amy.

Jake: Yeah, but not just him. It's every male authority figure from my entire life.
[flashback to Jake working at a video rental store]
Craig: Hey, Jake, can you move "Legends of the Fall" from new releases into drama?
Jake: You got it, Dad.
[present:]
Jake: Craig was only six weeks older than me.

Amy: I get it. You're scared. I can't change that.
Jake: Yeah, but that doesn't mean I'll never change how I feel about it. I mean, I used to be scared of sushi, and now it's my favorite food. I got tuna sashimi from a pharmacy the other day.
Amy: You shouldn't have.
Jake: Yeah, it was very warm. I got so sick.

Jake: Maybe we can grab some Thai food and brainstorm baby names?
Amy: Ooh, I like that.
Jake: Now, I am a fan of the show "American Gladiators." How do you feel about the name Blaze Peralta?
Amy: Not great.
Jake: What about Laser?
Amy: No.
Jake: Nitro?
Amy: No.
Jake: Viper?
Amy: No.
Jake: Atlas?
Amy: Ooh, I do love atlases.
Jake: Mm, common ground.

Jake: Okay, why don't you two lock down the nurses' station while Amy and I secure the room?
Amy: Actually, I'd rather be with Rosa.
Sergeant Jeffords: Uh-oh.
Rosa: Damn, Jake.
Jake: [sighs] Thanks a lot, Sarge.
Sergeant Jeffords: You told me to sing!
Jake: Yeah, but what was all this?
Sergeant Jeffords: That's just Terry being Terry.

Amy: Hey, look, um I don't want you to get caught in the middle of this stuff between me and Jake. I don't want you to choose sides.
Rosa: Already chose. I'm with you.
Amy: Really? I didn't know you wanted kids.
Rosa: I don't know if I'll ever want kids, but you should have them. They're so cute. It's [bleep] up.
Amy: Aw, it is [bleep] up.

Jake: I don't want to watch kids' movies. I want to watch movies for adults. Adults and teens.

Sergeant Jeffords: And they are getting so manipulative. Yesterday, Cagney pretended to be hurt, I went in to help her, and Lacey snuck in the kitchen and stole two cookies.
Jake: Oh, my God. Your children are monsters.
Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, those are my kids, man. Back off.

Amy: And the crazy part is, I really do want to go to the water park, but I can't give that to him because it's the only card I hold.

Jake: Okay, Pam, I'm gonna cut you off, but it's not because I'm not interested.
Pam: I'm sorry, I'm nervous. I get chatty when I get nervous. This man who gave you the bomb, did he happen to mention whether or not it's on a timer or if there's a remote detonator?
Pam: I don't know. I'm terrible with electronics. I wish my son Bobby were here. He taught me how to iPad.
Jake: Okay, I also know how to iPad, so maybe I could take a look.

Pam: Stay where you are!
Jake: The man told me that when I got the bomb set, I should text him with this phone and if anything went wrong, I should push this button.
Jake: No, no, no, no! You don't want to do that.
Pam: Yes, I do. I have to.
Jake: Well, there's only one thing to do when two people have diametrically opposing opinions on a subject. Structured debate.
Pam: What?
Jake: Yeah, I just learned about it. All right, I will argue the negative: I don't want to blow up. And you can argue the affirmative: you do want to blow up, which I have to say, Pam, is a very tough stance to take.

Amy: Speaking of which, I requested next week off so we can take an actual vacation to the water park.
Jake: I've never been more in love with you in my entire life. And hey, I've been thinking, and I do want to have kids. With you.
Amy: You're not scared anymore?
Jake: Oh, no, I am so scared. Maybe even more so than before, but I was scared in there with Pam too, and you know, I didn't panic or mess anything up there.
If anything, I was sharper. I was a freakin' debate genius.
Amy: Debate genius? Oh, that's very hot.
Jake: Oh, that's an added bonus. Okay, keep that energy up.

Amy: Hey, what's up? I came as fast as I could.
Jake: Title of your sex tape. Nailed it.

Amy: So, a full year of marriage. What was your favorite part?
Jake: [gasps] Are you asking me to do a marriage highlight reel countdown ala "NBA Inside Stuff"?
Amy: I mean, that's not exactly what I was-
Jake: Number five! Ahmad Rashad. It's my best impression. Number five was the time that we accidentally got our contact lenses switched. I got to see the world through your eyes.
Amy: But our prescriptions are different, and the world was so blurry.
Jake: Yeah, it was crazy. I thought I was having a stroke.

Jake: So have you ever heard of a guy named Bruno Rojas?
Amy: Yeah, big guy in the Colombian cartel, right?
Jake: He was, until he got shot in the chest yesterday by his top lieutenant. Apparently, the bullet went straight through his nipple.
Amy: Whoa. Nature's bull's-eye.
Jake: Oh, my God, I love the way your brain works.

Jake: Anyway, he's in a coma now, and Captain Holt thinks if I'm here when he wakes up, I can get him to talk.
Amy: So what'd you call me for?
Jake: Because I need a partner.
Amy: What about them?
Hitchcock: Oh, we're not here for work. I brought Scully in because he needs some medical tests.
Scully: Yeah, I'm here all the time. I'm kind of the mayor of this place. Cheryl, baby, you got a fresh bag for me?
Cheryl: Saving you the biggest one, Scully.
Scully: You're too good to me. Anyway, I'll see you guys around. Dan, Dan, the enema man.
Jake: Well, I guess it's kind of nice to see Scully in his element.
Scully: Whoo!

Amy: Hey, sir, I'm just here at the hospital with Jake, and I think he could use some-
Captain Holt: Oversight? Agreed. [hangs up]

Jake: So?
Amy: [singing] Casecation All I ever wanted.

Jake: Prepare to be romanced. Voila. Bienvenue à Paris.
Charles: Bonjour, madame. Fromage?
Jake: Don't worry, Charles is leaving in a second.
Charles: I am?
Jake: Yeah, you were just helping me set up.
Charles: Fine. Enjoy your weird anniversary with just the couple, you selfish jerks.

Amy: Okay, number two. This might be my favorite moment of our entire time as a couple: January 6th.
Jake: Eddie Redmayne's birthday.
Amy: Why do you know that?
Jake: 'Cause he was weird in "Jupiter Ascending."
Amy: Oh, yeah.
Jake: I'm just a fan.
Amy: Yeah, that's not what I'm talking about.

Jake: Yeah, because she's a patient here. I'm assuming, because of your gown.
Pam: I am. I have a twisted bowel. I have a tube; I have a bag. Do you want to see?
Amy: Oh, no, no, no. But thank you, Pam.
Pam: Let me know if you smell anything. I don't even notice it anymore.
Jake: Well, I'm pretty sure I actually already smell something.
Pam: No, you'll know.

Amy: I don't understand. I thought we were on the same page about kids. We talked about this.
Jake: We did?
[flashback:]
Amy: Aw, look at these pictures my brother sent of Matthew.
Jake: Mm.
Amy: We should do this someday. What do you think?
Jake: Are you kidding me? Of course.
[present:]
Jake: I was talking about going to the water park. You were talking about having kids?
Amy: Yeah! I said, "Do you think we can afford it?" And you said, "We'll start saving right away."
Jake: So let me get this straight. All that water park money I've been saving, you want to spend it on kids now?
Amy: Yeah. Why would you want to spend that much money on a water park?

Jake: All right, so how do we handle this?
Amy: I mean, there's only one thing to do when two people have diametrically opposing views on a subject.
Jake: Talk about it lovingly and decide how to move forward?
Amy: Structured debate.
Jake: Oh. Fun.
Amy: High school format. Modified Lincoln-Douglas. Let's take one hour apart for research and prep. Yeah.
Jake: Great, I'll just do a Lincoln-Douglas.

Nurse Janet: You're playing music in here? You can't do that.
Jake: Why not, Nurse Janet? Is it gonna distract the doctors?
Nurse Janet: Yes, that's exactly what it'll do.
Jake: Okay, fine, I'll turn it off immediately.

Jake: Pam, what are we talking about here?
Pam: I'm sorry. I'm really nervous.
Jake: Wait, wait, wait, wait! I know it probably feels like you don't have a lot of options right now. In fact, this whole situation probably feels like like a twisted bowel, but it's not. There's still one end of this bowel that's open.
Pam: Which end?
Jake: The butt end.
Pam: I'm listening.

Amy: Are we the bad guys here?
Jake: Yeah, it seems very likely.

Amy: We're gonna take a trip as soon as we have time. I promise.
Jake: Just like you promised we would see the "Bumblebee" movie?
Amy: I didn't promise that. I believe what I said was, "Isn't that a kids' movie?"
Jake: Yeah, and I believe what I said was, "It's for teens." [snorting laughter]

Amy: You okay?
Jake: Hey. Yeah, I'm okay.
Amy: Really surprised by Pam. I did not see that coming.
Jake: Right? You should have seen the look on my face when I saw it was her.
Pam: Your jaw just dropped.
Jake: Oh, she's right there.
Amy: Mm-hmm.
Jake: Good-bye, Pam. Good luck with everything. Kind of liked her in the end.

Jake: You did great, Pam. Thank you.
Pam: Now that it's out of my hands, I can see it really is a bomb.
Jake: Yes. Yes, it is.
Pam: Oh, my God, get some help!

Jake: Okay, if you hand me that bomb right now, nothing bad will have happened, and that'll be because of you, because you cooperated. Also, I'm sure a judge would understand how you got into this situation. I mean, you were asked to do this by an Antonio Banderas type. Who could say no to that? And even if you do go to prison, it is gonna be such a fancy prison.
Pam: With a lot of crafts?
Jake: Yes, with tons of crafts. Pam, listen to me. Let's untwist this bowel together. Let's clear everything out.

Jake: Okay, fine. New subject: work. We both work way too much. Why bother having kids if you never get to spend time with them? I mean, I love my job, and I know you love yours, and I don't think it's fair for either of us to have to sacrifice that.
Amy: Do you know why I want to become lieutenant so badly?
Jake: To prove your worth to your hyper judgmental parents.
Amy: Yes, obviously that. But also, the higher your rank, the more control over your hours. Plenty of people have jobs and kids, Jake, and they find a way.

Jake: But you're forgetting one thing. You're not just gonna be killing a mobster. You're also gonna be killing me.
Pam: He said the blast would only hurt people in the room. You could just walk right out of here.
Jake: Pam, you know I can't do that. Now, please, just give me the bomb.
Pam: And then what? Bobby doesn't get any money and I go to jail? I can't go to jail. Every roommate I've ever had has hated me. In college, I had a roommate named Mary-Ellen, and she was dating the brother of Steve Guttenberg-

Pam: I don't want to blow up, but the man said he'd give me $500,000. This is so Bobby can take care of my granddaughter. That girl means the world to me.
Jake: Fine, fine. Point to Pam. But if you care about her so much, how can you just blow yourself up? You'll never get to see her again.
Pam: Well, at least I know she'll be financially well taken care of.
Jake: Sure, but is this really how you want her to remember you? As a murderer?
Pam: I'd rather be remembered as a woman who blew up a mobster to help her family rather than a librarian whose bowels are tied up like a sailor's knot!
Jake: Okay, that's a very strong argument. Very strong.

Amy: Babe, this is so sweet, but do you honestly think that Holt's gonna let me just hang out here with you indefinitely?
Jake: Yes. Just tell him I need supervision. I've spent the last six years building up a reputation as an irresponsible goof for this very moment.
Amy: That is ridiculous. Holt respects you.

Jake: But the point that I was actually trying to make is, maybe it's a good thing that I'm scared of fatherhood. You know? Maybe it'll turn me into a freakin' dad genius. But we don't have to start trying right away, right? I mean, I don't know that I'm all the way there yet.
Amy: No, of course not. Whenever we're both ready.
Jake: How do you know when that is?
Amy: I guess we'll just have to have another one of these really fun, casual conversations.
Jake: Cool. Love that. Can't wait.

Jake: On it. Okay, Pam, so we're just gonna stay calm here and talk this thing through as friends.
Pam: This isn't supposed to be happening. The man said that I'd be able to sneak in here unnoticed.
Jake: What man? Who asked you to do this?
Pam: I didn't get his name, but he was very attractive. Antonio Banderas could play him in a movie. What has he been doing lately? You know what? He should be on "Outlander."

Pam: I'm sorry. You weren't supposed to be here. This wasn't part of the plan.
Jake: It's okay, Pam. No need to panic. We're just talking. Look, I'm just gonna put this away. No, Terry, don't open that, please.
Sergeant Jeffords: What's going on in there?
Jake: There is a woman in here with an explosive device.
Sergeant Jeffords: What? You okay?
Jake: Yep. Everyone is fine. I just need you to evacuate this entire floor, call ESU and the bomb squad right away, and jam all cellular and Wi-Fi signals.
Sergeant Jeffords: On it.

Jake: Why do you think that guy is unarmed?
Sergeant Jeffords: Who knows? Maybe he was trying to smother Rojas or unplug his life support.
Jake: Or maybe he's a distraction, and someone else is going for the cookie jar.
Sergeant Jeffords: What?
Jake: [entering the hospital room] Hi, Pam.
Pam: Hi, Jake. Don't come any closer, or I'll blow us both up!

Pam: I'd be careful if I were you. Relationships are like bowels. Once you get them twisted, they can never untwist.
Jake: Pam, you're in here again.

Pam: Do you two have kids? Mixed race babies are always so adorable.
Jake: Oh, ... you said words.

Jake: So what do you think?
Amy: I love it. It's really romantic.
Jake: Aww.
Amy: I mean, except for the comatose body in the middle of the room.
Jake: Oh, yeah, just pretend he's part of Paris. Imagine we're on a walking tour of the Louvre, and he's a statue.

Rosa: Anyway, do you want me to talk to Jake? I'm a pretty good bully.
Amy: Thanks, but no. I've got this covered. I left him alone with Terry. That guy is a walking advertisement for the joys of fatherhood.
[cut to:]
Sergeant Jeffords: Do not do it.
Jake: What? Don't you love your girls?
Sergeant Jeffords: So much. I mean, you should have seen Cagney this morning with her little braids in.
Jake: Oh.
Sergeant Jeffords: But they are a ton of work, man. If you are not totally, 100% sure you want them, you won't survive.
Jake: Is it really that hard?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yes. I never get any sleep. I'm always sick. I never get to watch anything I want on TV. I still haven't finished "Breaking Bad," but I can recite "Moana" from memory? "Maui, shape-shifter, demigod of the wind and sea. I am Moana." Why do I know that?

Jake: Shall we, ma chérie? I asked the lady at the store what her favorite cheeses were, and those were all super expensive, so I got us a budget-conscious selection of local cheddars.

Amy: That's all you prepped?
Jake: Yeah, I just searched my heart and then wrote down how I was feeling.
Amy: I'm gonna eat you alive, you dumb son of a bitch.
Jake: Cool. And then we'll have kids together?
Amy: Yeah. It's gonna be great.

Jake: No, it's not a fight, it's just a devastatingly sad conversation about whether or not we should have kids or just start over, so you were totally wrong, Rosa.
Sergeant Jeffords: What? You got married without talking about if you want children?
Jake: Yeah, and we also got married without discussing whether or not we like water parks. A lot of new stuff has come up, okay, Terry?

Sergeant Jeffords: [singing] Casecation, all I ever wanted Casecation, had to get away Casecation- The vibe in here is really weird.
Rosa: I think they're having a fight.

Jake: Okay, your turn.
Amy: Number four!
Jake: Oh, is an old witch introducing this highlight?
Amy: That was exactly what you sounded like.
Jake: No.
Amy: Yes.
Jake: Agree to disagree.

Amy: Number four was when we played laser tag and we shot all those little kids.
Jake: Oh, yeah. We really messed up little Mason's birthday party. Mm-hmm. Deservedly so. He was a jerk.

Jake: Okay, what should number three be? Ooh, I know. It was that time we shared an UberPool with Michael Caine. ... I mean, obviously, Michael Caine was shooting a movie in London at that time, and also, why would Michael Caine be in an UberPool?
Amy: But it was still so cool.
Jake: It really was. We shared a car with Alfred.
Amy: We did.

Jake: And as you can see, Pam is here. She has some thoughts.
Pam: I was saying to Jake, before Bobby, I didn't think I wanted to have kids either. But he's the best thing that ever happened to me.
Amy: Hey, Pam, could you give us a minute?
Pam: Oh, of course. I'm gonna call my friend JoAnn. She's been waiting for a big update on all of this.
Amy: Great.

Amy: Hey, so Holt went to go smooth things over with Gail. He thinks we may just have to pay the Debaters Guild a small fine.
Jake: Cool.

Jake: Every other big decision I've made in my life I was sure about: becoming a cop, asking you to marry me, buying those Jordan 1s for $500.
Amy: Wait, you spent $500 on sneakers?
Jake: Yeah, they were so cool, and if I had never worn them, they would have kept their value.
Amy: So they lost their value?
Jake: Yes, all of it. I stepped in a puddle as soon as I left the store.

Pam: I'm Pam. I'm from next door. I was listening to the two of you talk and just had to get a look. [gasps] You're both very attractive.
Charles: [o.s.] Aren't they?
Jake: Boyle, go home!
Charles: Oh, Pam can stay but not me?

Amy: Yeah, we don't have kids yet, but we're gonna start trying soon.
Pam: I just have the one, my Bobby. He was such a cute little kid, until he discovered his wiener.