Dr. Ronald Yee: Well, the flies are not reacting. I can keep going, but I'll tell you now, it's very unlikely there are any traces of blood in here.
Rosa: Well, according to my timeline, this is the only place the murder could have happened.
Amy: Sorry, Rosa, looks like your timeline's wrong. Because the flies don't lie. You can use that if you want.
Captain Holt: He's not gonna use a cheeky slogan. He's a man of science.
Dr. Ronald Yee: I like it. The flies don't lie.

Sergeant Jeffords: All right, guys, this fanboy stuff is a little much.
Captain Holt: The only thing that's a little much over here are your scrawled-on eyebrows. Yeesh.
Sergeant Jeffords: Seriously? I thought they worked.
Rosa: They do if you wanna look like a mean drag queen.
Sergeant Jeffords: I knew I should have done a flatter arch. This is a nighttime look.

Jake: Charles, can I tell you a story?
Charles: Always.
Jake: All right. When I was 10, my dad started dating this woman, Leeza. My mom hated her. But my dad wanted us to bond, so one day he took me and Leeza to the mall and dropped us off. She proceeds to steal a ton of blouses from Ann Taylor and then immediately makes me go back in and exchange them for store credit. Then, to celebrate, I get to pull Leeza's Cinnabon apart because her nails are too long and curly to do it herself.
Charles: Ugh.
Jake: Point being, nothing has ever made me love my own mother more than the time I spent with Leeza. Gintars is Leeza. You are my mom.
Charles: I can't believe I get to be Karen. What an honor!

Sergeant Jeffords: Quinn, did you get the alert?
Officer Gwen: Yeah, but I haven't seen anyone unusual down here. I mean, other than 1,000 Kappa Gamma Kappas.
Sergeant Jeffords: At least you didn't have to deal with Lambda Nus. Those girls are savages.
Whitney Grubner: Right? We're the victims here. We have a nighttime event, and if we don't make our blowouts, then we'll all look disgusting, and nobody will give any money to the kids, or dogs, or whatever the charity is.
Barbara Arbara: It's to buy shoes for poor people so they can get jobs.
Whitney Grubner: Yeah.
Sergeant Jeffords: We'll do our best, but it's possible you're gonna miss your event.
Whitney Grubner: That's too bad, 'cause you could use some decent shoes.
Sergeant Jeffords: What? Terry got these at Aldo.
Whitney Grubner: Was it buy one, get one?
Sergeant Jeffords: No, it wasn't. It was a three-for-one Labor Day doorbuster.
Whitney Grubner: Makes sense.

Jake: This is bad.
Sergeant Jeffords: I know. He's been like that all day.
Jake: No, I was talking about your eyebrows. Whatever's going on up there is real, real bad.
Sergeant Jeffords: Well, it's better than having two bug hotels above your eyes.
Jake: But wouldn't they also be in your goatee?
Sergeant Jeffords: Don't do this to me, Jake.

Charles: I just don't want Nikolaj to see him again. I don't want him turning into a Gintars.
Jake: You have nothing to worry about. Nikolaj is already a mini Charles. He's an eight-year-old boy whose favorite movie is "Bullets Over Broadway".

Charles: Hmm. We could live in Gruyere, the fondue capital of the world.

Jake: Hey there, bud. I got you your favorite tea: duck broth.
Charles: Thanks. You know me so well. But I'm too sad to drink duck broth.
Jake: Wow, I never thought I'd hear you or anyone say that.

Jake: I want you to stay calm and just try to keep all of your blood inside your body.
Gina: Bitch, what do you think I'm doing?
Jake: Yeah, I don't know why I said that.

Dr. Ronald Yee: It tells the story of the first known use of forensic entomology. A farmer was slashed to death. A local judge asked everyone in the town to lay down their sickles. And though they all appeared clean, one attracted a horde of flies. The insects could sense the blood, even though it was invisible to the human eye.
Captain Holt: Wow, what an arresting story.
Dr. Ronald Yee: Yes, they did arrest him.
Captain Holt: Oh. Oh, my. [laughs] We made a joke together.[laughs]

Captain Holt: Squad, I want to apologize. I have been acting as though nothing mattered except my pursuit of justice, but seeing my people in danger today made me realize I was being short-sighted. I do give a hoot. I give a hoot about all of you.
Rosa: Are we gonna keep saying "hoots"? Is this forever?
Jake: I pray not.

Rosa: Hey, why is Yee still here?
Sergeant Jeffords: Holt wants him to hand in his case report in person. I think he's trying to trick him into going to lunch with him.
[in his office:]
Captain Holt: Wait. It's noon? If I didn't know better, I'd say that was lunchtime.

Jake: Okay, well, that was fun. Hey, why don't you go play over there, buddy? You can take this drug store receipt. It's very long and filled with coupons. You can fly it around like a kite.
Nikolaj: Whee!
Jake: Wow, kids are really basic. Is being a dad super easy?

Jake: Hey, man. I just want to say I'm sorry I didn't listen to you. I was wrong about Hitchcock and Scully.
Charles: No, you were right. I am too trusting sometimes. I did a little digging on Dragomir. Turns out, he's not 15. He's-
Jake: 103.
Charles: 34. But the orphanage confirmed he is actually Nikolaj's half-brother. Anyway, we're taking it slow. In a few months, he'll come out to visit.

Charles: Ooh, did something awkward happen? I can probably relate. Dish, bish.
Jake: Rosa got dumped out of the blue because she cares so much about her job and doesn't spend enough time with Jocelyn. [Rosa punches Jake in the arm] Ow! There's no winning with you.
Charles: Oh, so you got dumped, and you didn't see it coming. Oh, brother, you are in Boyle Country. Here's what you're gonna want to do.
Sergeant Jeffords: Come on, Boyle.
Charles: Beg her to take you back, and don't be afraid to cry. I'm talking tears and snot.