Jake: Yeah, and your new shirt is very aggressive and confusing. Is the pineapple the slut, or is it calling someone else a slut?
Captain Holt: Clearly the pineapple is the slut.
Jake: Huh.

Jake: Ames, super important question. Which one of these shirts should I wear to dinner with your mom tonight?
Rosa: Those are exactly the same.
Jake: I have a signature look, Rosa.

Jake: Look, I haven't found anything, okay? Not a single email between Kelly and Gordon.
Captain Holt: So I whored myself out at that museum for nothing.
Jake: Not entirely for nothing. You know? We had fun. Sneaking around, bribing people, lying, stealing stuff.
Captain Holt: Coming home and having my husband ask me why I smelled like barrels?
Jake: Seriously? What did you say?
Captain Holt: I told him everything. He understood, until I showed him a picture of Gordon. The thought of me at a museum with that ten? He banished me to the guest room.

Captain Holt: Fine, but on two conditions we stay at least 4 inches apart at all times, and you tuck your tail back into your pants so I don't trip on it.
Madeline Wuntch: Deal.

Captain Holt: This has become more about your employment status.As your supervisor, I feel I have a conflict of interest and should abstain from judging.
Jake: Okay, so do we both get a point?
Captain Holt: No. Kevin has been on the phone all this time. He's also a licensed debate moderator.
Kevin: [v.o.] License number J as in Juliet, 2-5-9-
Jake: This means nothing to me.
Kevin: [v.o.] H as in hotel. Z as in Zulu.
Jake: Oh, thank God he stopped.
Kevin: [v.o.] 3-6-9. Point to Amy.

Amy: Okay, I've got something.
Jake: Oh. That's not Brandon's profile. It's mine.
Amy: I just want a quick peek at your attendance record. Zero absences. Oh, mama Printing this for later.
Jake: Keep it in your pants, Santiago.
Amy: Oh, that's exactly where it's going.

Hitchcock: We cooked that lasagna for nothing. Nothing!
Jake: Okay. But have you ever considered eating lasagna with no garlic bread?
Hitchcock: We've- Never done that before.
Scully: I guess maybe we could give it a try. What do you think, Hitchcock?
Hitchcock: What the hell. I had a feeling something crazy was gonna happen today.
Jake: There you go.
Scully: It's almost ready.
Jake: [microwave dings] Mama Magglione.

Jake: Okay, unlike Kooky Charles and Tearful Terry, I am healthy and don't need therapy.
Hitchcock: I hear that. I don't go to therapy either. Jake and I are like two penises in a pod.
Jake: Damn it, Hitchcock, we talked about this. It never helps when you back me up.

Amy: So did they defuse the bomb?
Jake: Yeah, one of 'em. Oh, you didn't hear? There was a second bomb. Ya butt. Ya butt is da bomb.
Amy: Aww. On our anniversary.

Jake: Actually, scratch that. We're not gonna use ski masks. We'll use cool rubber masks.
Charles: Ooh, we should be the ladies of "The First Wives Club." I call Keaton.
Jake: We're not gonna do "First Wives Club" masks.
Charles: Just because you can't be Keaton? Grow up, Jake!
Jake: No, because they don't exist. And also, yeah, Keaton is clearly the coolest one and I don't think it's really fair that you just "called her."

Jake: Behold, Brooklyn buddies, Boyle bullpen bottle bowling.
Charles: Beautiful.
Jake: Be brave, bro. Be brave. Bowl!
Rosa: Bam!
Charles: Bull's-eye!
Jake: Booyah!
Elderly Eastern European Woman: Babushka!
All: Babushka!

Captain Holt: As a matter of fact, I'd like to take you out tonight for a thank-you dinner.
Jake: Oh, I would love that, but I'm gonna have to take a rain check, 'cause Amy and I already have plans. Although I'm pretty sure you would approve.
[later:]
Jake: So this is a brine barrel. It's made by Josiah Wooldruff, who learned the craft from his father Jesiah Wooldruff, who in turn learned- You know what? This was a terrible idea. I'm sorry.
Amy: Don't you dare stop.
Jake: Oh. Okay. [clears throat] Josiah's cousin Joshua was a cooper, not a hooper.
Amy: Oh, mama.

Charles: All right, calm down. We're not accusing you of anything, right, Jake?
Jake: Kinda was.
Hitchcock: This is crazy! We're innocent!
Scully: IA is railroading us like Holt said, and you're joining in the witch hunt!
Hitchcock: You're fake news! Sad!
Jake: Yeah, that's definitely the language of the innocent.

Jake: Look. We can still stop John Kelly. All we need is some hard evidence.
Captain Holt: How? He won't let us anywhere near him or One Police Plaza.
Jake: I know, which is why I've assembled a team of powerful allies in the NYPD.
Captain Holt: No, that's too risky. How do you know they're not loyal to John Kelly?
Jake: Because these people aren't loyal to anybody. I made a suicide squad!

Captain Holt: What the hell is going on?
Jake: I can't let you quit.
Captain Holt: Yes, but why the candles and rose petals?
Jake: Wuh-oh.
Amy: Is that Mr. McClane I hear? 'Cause someone's about to Die Har- Oh, my God. Why is Captain Holt here?
Jake: Because he's gonna- Wait, are you dressed like Bonnie Bedelia in Die Hard?
Amy: I am.
Jake: For sexy reasons?
Amy: Yes.
Jake: Oh, boy.