Captain Holt: Very well. Let's throw something off the roof and then we'll get back to work. High five. I quite like them now.

Jake: You might wanna squat for this, Mr. Evaluator.
Captain Holt: I decide when the squatting is necessary. (slowly squats) This was my choice.

Jake: We're getting off track here.
Captain Holt: No, we're not, dog. Peralta's just trying to play the sympathy card so we all go easy on him. I'd rather send you back to prison than see you win.

Captain Holt: No, Terry, I'm not mad at you. I know you didn't mean to do it. You just got hungry, and that's the most natural thing in the world.
Sergeant Jeffords: I didn't take your pie.
Captain Holt: You're lying!

Jake: Then why'd you do it?
Captain Holt: I'm compromised. I made a decision a while ago, and now some people are holding it over my head. I'm afraid of what they'll ask me to do if I become Commissioner.
Jake: You're compromised? How did this happen, Mr. Prevailing Traffic and Road Conditions?
Captain Holt: It doesn't matter.
Amy: Seamus Murphy.
Jake: What?
Amy: Seamus Murphy, the gangster. He offered me info that would get you and Rosa out of prison, in exchange for a favor. And Holt told me to turn it down, because he said it was too risky. But you didn't turn it down, did you, Captain?
Captain Holt: No, I did not.

Captain Holt: So, did you make contact with Murphy's weak link, Diane Keaton's brother-in-law?

Captain Holt: Just got off the phone with the brass. It doesn't look good. They're still trying to decide on a punishment for your actions.
Jake: Well, did you tell them I feel so bad I have a tummy ache?
Captain Holt: I did. They were unaffected.

Captain Holt: My recommendation would be you start with a small, attainable goal something you can accomplish quickly, perfectly and publicly. The best way to lead is to always achieve all your goals.
Amy: Cool. That's not a ton of pressure.
Captain Holt: Well, it was meant to be. Pressure's an important part of success. Just remember, you represent all Latina policewomen right now.

Captain Holt: Oh, it's good to hear. Remember, failure is for failures.

Sergeant Jeffords: I'm totally fine. Here. I can prove it. [stands up slowly, groaning the whole way] I'm fine. See?
Captain Holt: You can't have thought that went well for you.

Captain Holt: Excuse me, sir, there's something I'd like to talk to you about.
Taylor: Uh, one second. I'm busy. [buzzer] Oh, at the buzzer! Suck it, Chase, you dirty, little hippy.
Captain Holt: Uh, yes, well, um, as you know, I've been here for four months, and I think I'm a model employee.
Taylor: Oh, no doubt. No doubt. You had the idea to install sinks in the bathrooms. I love that.
Captain Holt: Yes, what I'm getting at is, I'd like to be assistant manager.
Taylor: [scoffs] You serious? Oh, I just never expected you to be interested in management. I mean, you don't seem like the type of person who's really interested in leadership roles.
Captain Holt: Really? Anyone who knows me would say the opposite. I'm very hard-working.
Taylor: Yeah, when you're not totally blazed.
Captain Holt: I assure you that's not me.
Taylor: Okay, tell that to the Count Blunt-ula T-shirt that you were rocking last week.
Captain Holt: It was the only thing in lost and found. A child and his father threw up on me.
Taylor: Okay, I'll think about it. Management! Full of surprises, Greg.

Jake: The plaque will be held in this.
Amy: Is that my childhood caboodle?
Jake: It most certainly is, but don't worry. I removed the scrunchies, old report cards, and photos of young Al Gore. I'm better-looking than him anyway.
Captain Holt: We're talking a young Al Gore? [Holt and Amy laugh] Peralta, you do make me laugh.
Jake: Okay, stings a little bit.

Captain Holt: Who hired you? Who do you work for, pizza man?

Captain Holt: The important thing is you're safe and sound and back in Brooklyn.
Adrian Pimento: Thank you, Captain. [Pimento hugs Holt] Ooh, you smell good! Wowza.
Captain Holt: And end of hug.

Adrian Pimento: Pimento's here.
Captain Holt: Ah, Adrian. So you made it. Happy Thanksgiving.
Adrian Pimento: Is it?
Captain Holt: Something wrong? Feel no pressure to talk about it.