Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, can I just scootch in there to the coffee?
Amy: You can scootch your ass back in line. My coffee needs are just as important as yours.

Jake: What is happening?
Charles: I got to do this or the bullet holes in my butt stiffen up.
Jake: No talking about your butt holes.

Gina: And I'm not a stone-cold bitch. I'm a natural, beautiful presence.

Captain Holt: We told you eight days was too long for a stakeout.
Jake: With all due respect, sir, it wasn't the amount of time. It's who I was stuck there with.
I could easily have done it with Scully.
Captain Holt: Really? You would've applied that cream to his back?
Jake: No, I would've put it on the floor and let him roll around in it.

Madeline Wuntch: For meritorious service, the NYPD bestows this award on detectives Rosa Diaz, Jake Peralta, and Captain... Raymond Holt. Raymond.
Captain Holt: Madeline.
Madeline Wuntch: You won. Go ahead and gloat, you toad.

Captain Holt: So how do you all blow off steam? Does anyone have any complaints about the work environment?
Jake: No, no, we usually just gossip.

Gina: Four drinks! Thank you, Terry's fanny, and thank you Poseidon, great God of the Sea!

Jake: Now they're destroying our technology. This is an invasion!

Jake: It's a regular paintbath.
Charles: Like bubblebath.
Jake: No like bloodbath.

Jake: No, look, I was the first one in on Wednesday.
Gina: This story is already full of holes.

Jake: Remember last Wednesday when I came in here with a bottle of sparkling cider?
Captain Holt: Setting off my sprinklers. Drenching my office. Destroying a paper crane folded for me by Kevin.

Jake: Ooh, you can interrogate one of my perps.
Sergeant Jeffords: No, he can't. Don't do that, Jake.

Jake: Fine, you can see my bank records. But I always pay my power bill. Often late. One time in person with Canadian pennies.

Jake: Take a picture.
Charles: Give me one second. This light is really unflattering for his complexion.

Jake: Man, I wish you hadn't read that Annie Liebowitz book.
Charles: Quit calling it a book. It was a visual journey. You probably think I should shoot this in colour instead of black and white.
Jake: Yes, shoot colour. Why would you even shoot in black and white?