Jake: Hey.
Amy: How'd you find me?
Jake: January 14th, 2014. Detectives Peralta and Santiago conducted surveillance from a rooftop at 397 Barton Street. This is where we came the night I won our bet and you fell in love with me.
Amy: Jake.
Jake: The night that you flirted with me for 20 seconds and I became obsessed with you forever.

Captain Holt: I was already suspicious about your new positive attitude towards Florida, a state you once described as America's stinky butt. But then, after we met the marshal, you said something very strange.
Jake: It was "squirt-anly," wasn't it?
Captain Holt: No, something much stranger.
[cut to] Jake: [slowed audio] You were right.
Captain Holt: I knew then that you were up to something, so I followed you here. I guessed the combination on the first try: 69-69.
Jake: June 9, 1969, the day my parents got married.
Captain Holt: No, it isn't.
Jake: My mom's birthday.
Captain Holt: No.
Jake: The moon landing.
Captain Holt: Nope.
Jake: Fine, you're right. It's a completely random number.

Captain Holt: The Full Bullpen!

Captain Holt: That concludes our briefing. And now, on a personal note, I have some thoughts about Beyonce's "Lemonade" I'd like to share.
Jake: Oh, my God, sir, as much as I want to hear those thoughts, and it is so, so much, I think we should probably let Amy speak. [Amy is stood right next to Holt, facing him sideways, clutching a folder]

Jake: So, Adrian Working from home, hum? What happened to the office?
Adrian Pimento: Couldn't afford the rent. I'll be honest with you guys, this PI thing is not going great. Got a couple of bad reviews online, and that pretty much tanked me. I mean, what does "weird energy" even mean? Am I right?
Captain Holt: Well, my guess is that people find you somewhat threatening and erratic.
Adrian Pimento: Okay, yeah. That tracks.

Charles: It's okay. This isn't the first time I've been left out. At camp, nobody would be friends with me. I had to hang out with the lunch ladies. After summer ended, they never replied to any of my letters.

Jake: Hello, Lieutenant Hawkins.
Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: You idiots just ruined a three-month operation.
Jake: My name is Detective Ignatius Pennyfeather IX. That's I-G Nacious.

Captain Holt: Enough! He robbed my mother.
Jake: No, he didn't. He's her lover. He's your mother's lover. He's lovering your mother.

Captain Holt: Here at the Fun Zone, we live by one rule: when it's your birthday, you're always cool. Parents and kids are all the same. Watch as I do a dance to your name. [steady drumbeat] D-d-d-d-d-d-Derek. D-d-d-d-d-d-Derek.
Jake: Again.

Captain Holt: You got this.
Sergeant Jeffords: You got this.
Charles: You got this.
Jake: Charles, you're-
Charles: In a wheelchair, yep. My back gave out when I was dyeing my pubes. I was only halfway done. I'm like Cruella de Vil down there.

Adrian Pimento: Guys, I'm telling you. The fake snorting can work. Watch.
[sniffs] Oh. [coughing] Oh, I got so much that time. [laughs] Whoa, ooh, anybody wanna listen to Jamiroquai right now?
Jake: Okay, I'm just gonna move this away from your nose holes.

Jake: I know what's happening. I'm finally hydrated, and it's unlocking my brain's full potential. It's too much for me. I'm "Limitless" -ing.
Gina: I don't think water makes you jittery.
Rosa: It does if it's laced with caffeine.
Jake: You dosed my water?
Rosa: You just drank 960 cups of coffee.
Jake: Oh, that esprains why I no talk butter. [gasps] Me having stirk?
Rosa: [laughs] Good luck solving that case.
[Jake takes another drink]
Gina: [gasps] Why would you drink more?
Jake: My brain wants its fast juice.

Amy: Hey. I don't get it. Why did you decide to let me win?
Jake: I don't know. When we were back there racing through the Miranda Rights, I just looked over at you and thought, "You're awesome. And you're good at doing things." I mean, sure, I'll miss towel, but your happiness is worth way more than winning some stupid bet.
Amy: Are you sure about this?
Jake: Oh, yeah. Your apartment is better than mine in every way imaginable. You want to know what my first thought was when we dropped into the sewer? "Smells like home."
Sergeant Jeffords: He's lying, Amy. His first thought was about the Ninja Turtles.
Amy: Come on, Terry. We were in a sewer. He's gon'sta think about the Turtles.
Jake: Yeah, I'm gon'sta, Terry. Quit being such a Malfoy.
Amy: Yeah, Terry.

Captain Holt: Santiago's work acquaintance is correct. Tonight at 7:00 the committee is choosing between us and the Seven-Four, although the Seven-Four has a significant advantage. They house an elite gang task force.
Jake: Well, this is on you, sir. I begged you for a task force, but no, you wouldn't give me funding for Strike-Team Thunder-Kill Alpha, colon, Hard Target.
Captain Holt: You never told me what it was for.
Jake: It's a strike team that kills thunder and puts its colon on hard targets.

Charles: Hey there, jokers. I got a joke for you: What did one Estonian farmer say to the other? Our crop yields are so much smaller than that of mighty Latvia.